We’ve been having a great conversation about whether confidence attracts bullies over at my You’d Be So Pretty If blog this week. The general consensus among my commenters seems to be that yes, it does. Sadly, there are those who feel compelled to tear down anyone who seems sure of herself. However, I made the point that while we may make assumptions about a person from her outer appearance, we can never know the whole story behind her behavior – or the confidence that she feels (or doesn’t feel) inside.
Interestingly enough, Lifetime television will tackle this very topic in a new show called Drop Dead Diva (premiering this Sunday at 9 p.m.). The premise? Frumpy, but brilliant lawyer dies on the same day that “traditionally” beautiful wanna-be model dies. The beauty’s soul is sent back to earth in the lawyer’s body, letting her experience life in an entirely new way (meaning: not beautiful).
The idea of spending a day in another person’s body has intrigued me ever since I saw the original version of Freaky Friday when I was a kid. I’ve often told friends that I’d like to experience a day as a tall person (I’m five feet tall), just to see the different perspective they must surely have on the world around them.
I got to experience a model’s “shoes” during my year as Shape’s Weight-Loss Diary columnist, when I had to pose for a photo shoot every month. I came away from the experience knowing that while the glamour of hair, make-up and styling is fun for a while, modeling isn’t a career I would choose for myself. Still, I’m glad I had the experience because it gave me a whole new perspective.
In my book, I wrote a chapter called, “Success Is For Skinny Girls,” in which I talked to moms and daughters about how their body image affected their self-confidence – and vice versa. I came away from writing that chapter intrigued by the idea that we can alter our body image, not with diet and exercise, but with changing what we think about ourselves. But we can also change what we think about others. That super-slender mom at soccer practice that we find ourselves envying? Would you feel differently toward her if you knew she was thin from not eating because she’s desperately worried about whether her sister will survive a battle with breast cancer? What about a co-worker who exudes confidence and uses her sex appeal every chance she can? Would you feel differently toward her if you knew she grew up being told that her looks were all she had going for her and that once they were gone, she’d be nothing?
I hope you see my point. We can assume…but we can’t know.
This is a strategy I use when people are unkind or when other kids are mean to my kids. We talk about what might be behind the behavior. According to one of the experts I interviewed for my book, strategies like this – examining the why – help keep us from “internalizing” the criticism we’re hearing. In other words, it’s about them – not us.
So, yes, confidence can attract bullies. But we can buffer those bullies by teaching our daughters to think about motives, and to know that when they’re being teased, it’s always about the bullies.
