A woman emailed me recently about my new book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own. In her email she wrote, "I really want to read your book, but I'm afraid to. My daughter has real issues with eating and I feel guilty." I wrote back to her, reassuring her that my book is not at all about blaming moms for our body issues; instead, it's a reminder of how strong the maternal role model really is in our lives and a guide to consciously choosing the example you want to set for your own daughter. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about her email. Guilt is a powerful thing in the lives of mothers.
As a mom, when I think about the emotions I most often feel about mothering my children, it's these: Love, pride and guilt. Love and pride are the easy ones -- I adore my kids and I think they're great, so it's easy to feel proud. Guilt is the trickier of the maternal emotions though, isn't it? When things go wrong, I often ask myself, "What did I do? How could I have prevented this?"
I think that's one of the scariest moments that a mom confronts: The knowledge that she can't control and orchestrate and direct her kids' lives through the sheer force of her love for them. It's humbling.
Guilt also comes into play for many parents when we recognize behaviors and attributes of our own personality -- particularly the ones we don't like or wish were different -- in our children. Too often, we feel like we "gave" our kids certain traits that we wish could change about ourselves, like shyness, a quick temper or a tendency to give up too soon. Sure, some things have a genetic link, like body shape. We can't always choose those things. But we can always choose how we react to them.
That's what I came to learn along my own body image journey. During my year as Shape magazine's Weight-Loss Diary columnist in 2007, I learned exactly how much my body could change -- and the point where it couldn't. That was the moment that self-acceptance was born for me, and the moment I realized that I could consciously choose to model it for my children. I've made mistakes in the past -- and I'm sure I'll make more -- but self-acceptance also means forgiving myself for those mistakes and trying to do better.
Happy guilt-free Mother's Day to my potential reader, and to all the moms out there doing their best to raise happy, healthy kids!
