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Anorexia Nervosa
A Former Anorexic Enjoys Food Again
It's about health, not weight or body image
Posted August 2, 2011
Four years after being hospitalized, ten years after starting anorexia in high school, my daughter, Lisa, is enjoying food again, on her terms. Here is her news from the front:
I have come to the conclusion that I am a foodie. Maybe I've always been. Even through the years of eating disordered hell, as much as I most often feared food, I was fascinated by it. Whether I obsessively researched super-foods and nutrition facts or partook in a current diet trend (Atkins included, I confess), I was awed by the visual representations and literary descriptions surrounding the bountiful culinary wonders produced locally, nationally and globally. I follow restaurant reviews and oral interviews on TV shows, even though most of what's featured I can't eat.
I'd like to call myself a "visual" foodie. I eat with my eyes most of the time because I have to, but I can still enjoy the culinary adventures available to my food-loving friends and family, who also happen to have well-operating gastrointestinal systems. I am a foodie with food restrictions that are not self-imposed.
One evening this spring, over glasses of locally made organic sauvignon blanc, a dear friend of mine and I sat in the lounge of a Palo Alto hot spot, catching each other up on our lives. As often happens, our conversation turned to food; she asked about my GI issues and their seemingly ever-increasing dietary restrictions, and wondered how I have so much self-control and am able to deal with missing out on the majority of foods most of us love so much. I've been gluten-free now for two years and recently diagnosed with severe IBS (unfortunately titled Irritable Bowel Syndrome) imposing a strict dietary plan and lifestyle upon me.
One might assume these restrictions could cause food to continue to be an unpleasant issue for me, after all these years coping with the triple threat of eating disorders: anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating. Would the new restrictions turn into a new disorder and downward spiral?
As opposed to the old days of self-loathing and guilt, I have taken the positive route, researching what I CAN incorporate in my gluten free, soy free, limited dairy, no acidic, fatty, greasy, overly sugary, salty and acidic foods diet. In a sense, I'm developing a healthy relationship with food to improve my general well-being.
The need for explanation behind my ordering salad or eating produce by the plenty is for the most part erased. I have conditions that require stringent dietary rule. I'm not ordering salad to be restrictive and people no longer need to question or wonder in the back of their minds "Is she on a diet? Is this an eating disordered behavior?"
Am I completely recovered? Of course not; I may wax and wane about weight, food and body image for many years and possibly forever. Yet, I do feel on more solid footing toward the issues we all struggle with than I have in a long time, if not ever.
The need for thinking when making food choices has gone from a state of panic to a mainly a question of "Is this gluten-free and IBS friendly?"
I realize it sounds like a complete headache, but honestly I don't find it all that difficult. Perhaps living in the San Francisco Bay Area provides a greater scope of restaurants and grocery stores catering to dietary restrictions/food allergies, allowing me to broaden my menu and recipes. At restaurants, I ask about my menu options politely and always with a smile and am continuously impressed and comforted at how prepared many servers are for their diet-restricted guests. More restaurants nowadays offer a gluten-free menu or are glad to suggest substitutions. With the addition of my IBS, I don't have to spell it out. I just ask about non-soy, non-spicy items.
I could easily feel like I'm missing out, especially in the Bay Area and in my family, where fabulous Tartine bread and pastries are just about always in the house. However, I remember the taste and texture of fresh country bread and flaky croissants, and can still appreciate their existence. Sometimes I do crave a toasted bagel or my all-time favorite Thai curry. But the end-result is not worth the indulgence, so I resist and let my eyes do the eating, my mind the appreciating of culinary masterpieces, and my old favorite dishes and my stomach can remain separate but settled.
In sum, I'm fairly content with where I stand regarding food and body image and recognize the positive strides I've made. I'm not going for perfect; for what exactly constitutes perfection? In future posts I will continue to explore my experiences as a "visual foodie" and hope to be able to provide tips and substitutions in regards to my specific dietary restrictions for other's reference. I wish everyone health and happiness!
-- Lisa Himmel
