"Who is that?" my cousin asked my son as the family gathered at our house for Passover, the springtime Jewish holiday celebrated at home with a ritual meal.
"Um, that's Lisa," Jake had to say. His sister.
That was eight years ago, when my daughter was in the depths of her struggles with anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, you name it. My cousin hadn't seen Lisa in maybe six months. She did not act or look like the Lisa our extended family had known for 18 years. Silent and very skinny, this young woman made no effort to hide her anger at being forced to sit at the table for hours with a bunch of people who had known her forever, so depressed, withdrawn and certain she was that all they were doing was evaluating her appearance. We were at our house, though, so she could make frequent trips to her room.
As Lisa later told a reporter interviewing us about Hungry: A Mother and Daughter Fight Anorexia, "I hadn't been sleeping, my body wasn't working right, and everyone else was enjoying their time together while I sat there debating how many carrots I could let myself have."
"I was just totally disconnected from everyone."
This year we celebrated the first night of Passover at my cousin's house. The holiday that commemorates an enslaved people's escape to freedom has a new personal resonance. With lots of bumps along the way, Lisa is in recovery. There are surely bumps ahead, but our family can breathe while Lisa gradually breaks free from eating disorders.
So much has changed.
This year, Lisa came directly from work, not a treatment center or the prison cell that her bedroom had become, to join us for the Passover meal. She is working hard at the offices of large nonprofit, taking well-deserved satisfaction in being part of a group that contributes to the community.
She arrived late, so everyone did look at her when she came arrived. No problem. She waved hello and sat down, read and sang along with familiar tunes and some quirky new versions. Passover rituals are very malleable. Lisa's self-conscious paralysis at family occasions was evolving into graceful participation. Not that she doesn't still have issues with food, but now it's more about wheat gluten than fat and calories. Not that she didn't slip out early. But that was because seders tend to go long, she has a long drive and gets up very early for work.
This year, the larger Jewish community is taking more notice of eating disorders among teenage girls. As the New York Times reported:
"There is an amazing stigma attached to eating disorders - this is the real problem," said Rabbi Saul Zucker, educational director for the Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America, the organization that issues the all-important O.U. kashrut stamp for food. "But hiding it is not going to make it go away. If we don't confront it, it's going to get worse." http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/12/health/12orthodox.html?_r=1&emc...
This year, as well, I am appreciative of families sitting down to Easter dinners, the recent Persian New Year (first day of spring) and other cultural celebrations with rituals rooted in food.
As Lisa told the reporter, "It's not easy but it is possible to get over this. For a while, I had trouble believing that if I gave it up I would be OK, because for a lot of people it becomes an identity, and we're scared of who we'll be without it. But I've found out that life is a lot better and more enjoyable when you're not consumed with your body and food."
