How do you know you're recovering from eating disorder? It's never either/or, clearly STOP or GO, but are there signposts? During Lisa's years of anorexia and bulimia, we've had some of our worst scenes in restaurants, and now, one of our best. Here is Lisa's version:
I just had one of the best meals of my 25 years of life, on my dad's birthday. Now, I've had the privilege of experiencing some of the world's top culinary delights, but this spectacular dinner was about more than food:
I went out, I tried everything, I didn't restrict myself and I enjoyed every bite.
This proves a milestone for me and my family considering the last 8 years of hills and valleys, tension and tears over meals. Since moving home with my parents, I've had a hard time with family meals. I often eat alone.
Although I have been able to venture back into the world of dining out, my menu options remain focused on greens and protein rather than what might actually sound incredible. I tend to play it safe. With every bite, an automatic mental calorie counter kicks in. But the other night at La Folie I enjoyed a truly decadent French meal in San Francisco -- to my surprise and to the delight of my parents and Grandma. I'm hoping this won't just be a fleeting moment.
I've had so many glimpses of health and recovery that suddenly got swept away as if they never really happened. Can I hold onto the feeling this time? The ability to enjoy food is such a new and exciting sensation. Not that I have any plans to indulge often or to test my limits. I'd rather not get pushed over the edge or teeter on the brink of purging. I'm just trying to stay fully engaged in the dining experience and allow myself to appreciate the edible wonders that such talented chefs create. With eight years of self-torture over food and body image, I feel the most at ease with myself but I'm trying not to get carried away or declare victory too soon.
I completely own my past, wrought with failures, falls, battles, wrongdoings - and the occasional triumph. I am trying to do whatever I can to rectify these acts. I can't go back and change anything that happened. I can't take back anything I said or did that wronged someone or an act that was taken badly. I have many memories I wish were just dreams. If I could just take those experiences back I would, but all I can do is own up to my mistakes and faults, hope to be a better person and keep going.
I was horribly sick for a while, and some people gave up on me. I am so incredibly grateful to all those friends and family members that have stuck by me and who are able to see me now, thriving, engaging and most importantly, smiling. Oh how often I can't smile enough. It feels a bit silly but mostly it feels AMAZING.
Also amazing, I finished college and got my best grades ever, including an A+. Embarrassed as I get for having taken an extra three years to finish school (2 2/3 to be exact) I realized I came back stronger and more determined than when I was just charging through, after high school. Now I have passion and a deep respect for my small, liberal arts major. I came back just to graduate, and get on with my life. But I found my niche once again and I wrote my little heart out and much to my surprise, produced phenomenal work. I feel so elated and motivated and honestly look forward to what lies ahead.
I finish this as I sip homemade peach sangria -- perhaps not the healthiest choice, but soon to be followed by a homemade dinner (without restrictions) and a good night spent with friends.
Thank you so much to all who have stood by me. You mean the world to me. All I hope for is years of health and happiness ahead. Life is so truly wonderful and I am grateful to be able to enjoy it to the fullest again.
Cheers,
Lisa
