Every year, it seems, records are broken at Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest. http://www.nathansfamous.com More people watch and more hot dogs are speed-eaten.
I can’t watch the event, but I know what happens: Seriously determined competitors stuff their faces, scarfing down hot dog after hot dog to the fast tick of a stopwatch.
Why do they do it? Drown their bodies in sodium and who-knows-what meat products? This year’s winner swallowed 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. It must be for the allure of glory and the pride of achievement.
As a recovering bulimic, I can’t watch any eating contests. I had enough of that. In a way I held my own competition each time I binged: I stuffed my face at a rapid pace, grabbed whatever was in eyesight and definitely felt a rush.
But, I had a different goal at the end and it had nothing to do with a prize or feeling like a winner. Quite the opposite. After each binge, I was overcome with guilt and shame. I bolted to the nearest bathroom and purged, often violently, all that I had so wrongfully consumed. Finally, only stomach bile swirled in the toilet.
I had no good intentions. I was not on a stage in a row of fierce contestants, chowing for glory. My binges had everything to do with shame, guilt, anxiety -- any emotions that felt too big to deal with, I stuffed them down with food. Binging gave me an escape from any harsh reality and yet, after purging I'd end up feeling more alone than ever.
Even worse, purging left me weak, dehydrated and completely depleted of necessary vitamins.
It has not been an easy fight to get better. I've relapsed many times but often kept them to myself mainly out of embarrassment. The truth is however, even though I don't binge any more and my purging episodes (though not totally gone) have decreased tremendously, I deal with often-painful side effects. My stomach often hurts. I have more food allergies now than I did as a kid and find myself having unpleasant reactions to dairy, soy and anything too rich or creamy. In a way I have to retrain my body to take in food and keep it there. Digestion is a challenge.
But this is what it’s like to recover from an eating disorder, and this is where I’d rather be.
It has taken me about a year to regain a sense of hunger, flip-flopping between extremes (overeating and under-eating) to find my balance. I'm definitely not a perfect eater, but then, who is? We just have to find what works best for us.
Most important for me, I now listen to myself! What do I really want to eat? Guess what? If I stop and think about it, I know. Sometimes it's salad or fruit and other times it's chocolate, but when it's chocolate, I don't shame myself for allowing a treat. I let it happen and enjoy it.
I think everyone would be more at peace with food if we erased the notion that some foods are bad and some are good, listened to our internal cues and satisfied our cravings.
In my first blog post for Psychology Today, I wanted to give you an idea about where I am since writing the book, Hungry: A Mother and Daughter Fight Anorexia (Berkley Books, August 2009). As I conclude this, I'm enjoying some gummy bears and thinking about what to make for dinner. I'm feeling good and content and happy to simply be living.
