This is a common occurrence as we are drawn, in what seems to us an inexplicable manner, toward individuals who are familiar to us in some deep way.  One tragic example is that of the abused woman.  First, her father abuses her, and then she seemingly inexplicably chooses man after man who abuses her.  However, with each new man, she swears to both herself and often to those concerned about her that his new man is completely different from her father or previous boyfriend.

We all have hidden relationship templates.  The person whom we feel most strongly drawn to, who gives us the biggest "rush", is not always the best person for us.  Usually that person embodies to some degree someone from our past, not necessarily those of the romantic sort.  The rush of feeling welling up within us in response to this figure is the siren song that draws us to try to resolve the pain of a past relationship with this new "dream" partner.  Unfortunately once we are side-by-side with this person, we may find someone who causes us to re-experience many of the old, problematic issues we thought we had moved beyond.

So, when the dream partner materializes, step back and consider things for a bit longer.  Make sure that you are seeing things clearly.  If you are, you will avoid reliving the past over and over again, and start working toward a new future of great possibilities.

Now, once you do step back and consider this person more objectively, what criteria should you use to evaluate his/her "true" character?  What defines a person's character?  Character is made up of those qualities that have consistently defined a person's beliefs and actions across all domains in his life.  Qualities such as being empathic, hardworking, gentle, or funny are a combination of innate temperament, developed value systems, and habits of behavior in life.  These qualities tend to remain fairly stable throughout a person's life.  For example, a man does not over time just stop having a good sense of humor, lose his sense of empathy, and stop feeling responsible for his actions towards others. If these qualities do change relatively quickly in a relationship, it is probably because the person was not being entirely genuine in the beginning of the relationship, in an attempt to "keep up appearances."

Character can be defined as the very essence of a person.  I cannot overstress how important it is to discern the character of your mate.  Does he behave with others as he does with me?  Does he respect my friends?  Does he value family and friendships?  Does he almost always try to do the right thing, even at risk of personal expense?  These are the kinds of questions you should consider.  If he frequently contradicts himself and shows questionable character in some circumstances, call him out on it and ask him to explain himself.  His explanations should not be excuses!

No one is perfect.  The point here is not to seek someone with perfect character, but rather to find someone whose character you respect and who, when he contradicts himself, can recognize it, accept feedback, and acknowledge he does not want to behave in that manner.  If your partner is always defensive in such situations, or apologizes but does not make changes in his behavior, be cautious.  He may not have the insight or intent to become a person of greater character.  Remember, his character will be with you forever, a constant in the sea of life's unpredictable demands and changing social circumstances-and it absolutely can improve, but only by means of awareness, desire, and hard work.

* This blog was based on Chapters 3 & 4 in my book " 51 things You Should Know Before Getting Engaged" (Turner Publishing, 2009, www.the51things.com).