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When I was young I distinctly remember being afraid of a nuclear attack from Russia. I also remember being afraid of the killer bees that were on their way from Africa. What if we get bombed? What will happen to my family and me? What if killer bees attack me? Will I die? These are not comforting thoughts when you are a child. They are scary. We didn’t get bombed and we weren’t attacked by killer bees.
Fast forward to 2014.
Last night at the dinner table with my wife and three children, my high-schooler says, “Did you hear about the person who got it in Texas?” My elementary schooler says, “Got what?”, and my middle schooler, nicknamed Mr. Science, replies, “Ebola.” “What’s Ebola,” my youngest asks. As my wife (a nurse who is good with explanations) starts to respond when Mr. Science says something to the effect of – “a disease that kills you by blood pouring out of your skin.” Oh great, that is helpful I think as my youngest child’s face pales, her eyes widen, and she blurts, “Can we get it?”
Game on.
Fortunately, my wife and I are veterans at helping to manage our children’s worry. We have an unspoken game plan based on years of experience with them. We don’t even have to look at each other anymore as we quickly move into information management and damage control. We know that each of our kids is at different developmental stages, and each gets worried about different things in different ways.
Our oldest is very good -- now -- at putting big scary things out of her mind and focusing on what’s in front of her – a Japanese test, home-coming, and cross-country. Our middle guy isn’t scared because he has already deduced the facts about how the disease is spread, how it could get to the U.S., and what is done about it. Further, he is focused on freaking out his little sister far more than getting Ebola. Our 10 year-old, however, is starting to get scared.
My wife and I are calm. She explains that Ebola is a virus that is in Africa. “Not anymore” my son says. Again, very helpful I think. Deep breathe. Ok, first we are also aware that this is how our son is managing his worry about it – to be the expert and mess with his sister. While I am getting frustrated with him about his comments, we proactively counteract his statements – “A man in a Texas has it. He came from Africa after helping a woman who was very sick. He allegedly lied about being exposed and was let in our country.” My wife is talking very calmly and I am remaining calm. Our oldest, who is very intuitive, is looking at us to get a read about how serious this is. We are doing a good job – she is starting to think about home-coming again. Our youngest asks a few more questions about how you get it. My wife calmly responds through contact with others fluids – not just through the air. I calmly say the likelihood of us or anyone we know getting it is so small it isn’t even worth thinking about. She is satisfied (for now) and goes back to her book. My son sees the door has closed on scaring her and we go back to our evening.
With the news of Ebola dominating the news, similar scenarios are taking place at dinner tables, bedtime, soccer games, and at the lunch table in school.
Being afraid of a nuclear attack or killer bees was very upsetting to me. These events were out of my control and there was nothing I could do about it. All my time worrying about them was for naught – fortunately.
Today, our current situation with Ebola is the same for children and teens. It is very scary to think about but there is nothing we can do about it. Our job as parents is to help our children deal with worrisome information by understanding how they think and process information at this formative time in their lives, and by giving them information they need to manage their thoughts and worries and while remaining engaged in life and sticking to regular routine living.
Based on my work with families and my own personal experiences, I suggest:
• Think about how your children think about “worry” events based on their age and maturity
• Filter information based on their age and maturity level
• Minimize watching the news, listening to the radio, screen time and monitoring internet news and images
• Respond to their questions calmly and with the minimal amount of information necessary
• Give facts that are helpful and reduce fear such as the likelihood of the event occurring and how it is transmitted
• Offer reassurance as needed
Whether it is nuclear attack, killer bees, SARS, economic collapse, war, or Ebola, there will always be something that can cause worry in young people. The goal is to give our children (they way our parents did) the tools to deal with the worry right now and shut down the fear. The unexpected curve balls of life will keep coming but we can win the fear game.
