Verified by 
A few weeks ago I was picking up my three boys at an afterschool activity. It was about 4 p.m., and I had arrived early to avoid the parking lot chaos. I sat down and grabbed a few papers out of my bag to grade while I waited. The stack had been growing as the semester was winding down and I figured that if I could just get through another five papers, I would not feel as guilty spending the night playing Rummy Cube with the boys and enjoying our Wednesday evening tradition of “Survivor night.”
Once I got settled with my papers and red pen in hand I quickly found myself distracted by the two dads talking rather loudly on the other side of the waiting area. Here is what I overheard.
“Hey Joe, how is it going over at ABC company?”Joe replied, “Oh, work is crazy busy, but that’s a good thing.”
“Say Joe, I saw a guy from your firm present some months ago and he had a stellar presentation on ABC Products. I was really impressed with it. Do you think I can get a copy of that?”
“Oh yeah, well I would love to get it to you but that guy is on paternity leave, so I’m not sure I can get in touch with him. He’s been on leave for weeks now which is really frustrating because I need him back at work. I can’t believe how long our paternity leave policy is – what an annoyance!”
“Yeah Joe, I know what you mean. We have had similar issues and have a few guys that have been gone way too long. I don’t know what our firm was thinking allowing for this crazy about of time off. I can’t stand it.”
As an advocate of family friendly work policies, I felt my blood begin to boil. I’m not one to sit back and say nothing. but I didn’t know these men and sitting a few feet away from the sanctuary of our religious institution made me think twice about causing a ruckus. Before I could think for another second about how to react, a flurry of kids came pouring into the waiting room. I watched as the two men welcomed their children into their arms with a big warm smile.
After my night of defeat in Rummy Cube (my eight-year-old twins are good!) and watching “the most surprising tribal council yet,” I put the kids to bed and got into my own bed. As my head hit the pillow, I thought back to the conversation I overheard and my own research on fathers. How ironic, I thought….here you have these two men picking up their kids at an afterschool activity (on the early side no less!) yet they somehow have the gall to mock other fathers taking paternity leave as if a dad’s responsibility to their children is just getting out of work a little early to pick up from an afterschool activity! Times really have changed as men have become more involved at home, but to what extent does this involvement really imply that traditional notions of what it means to be a good father are a thing of the past?
The conversation reinforces my own research findings that many dads are of two minds when it comes to being an involved father. At the same time they enact involved fathering they are espousing an “organization man” mentality where by parenting and other life roles should not interfere with one’s work.
Is this progress? We need men supporting, applauding and respecting other working dads, rather than ridiculing those who make family a priority. Dads: you can’t have it both ways.
_______
Note to readers: This is my first blog post for Psychology Today. My research is largely focused on the experiences of mothers and fathers in the workplace. I will be writing about pregnancy in the workplace, returning to work after maternity leave, women’s careers, fatherhood and work and family needs and family-friendly work practices. Please email me: j.ladge@neu.edu if you have specific topics you would like me to discuss.
