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November 12, 2009, Sport and Competition

Fed Bail Out of Michigan Football

UM's Wolverines To Play Obama-Ball

Although the University of Michigan Wolverine football team is in last place in the Big Ten, fans should stop worrying. Athletic Director Bill Martin has placed a call to the White House and arranged for a bailout. Here are the details:

1. With a zero percent loan from the Federal Reserve, The University of Michigan will buy the University of Notre Dame's football team for $8 billion. The combined team will be known as the "Irishwolves" and will split home games among Ann Arbor, South Bend, and Washington, D.C.

2. Using the Troubled Asset Relief Fund (TARF), the U.S. Treasury will buy the contracts for Coach Rodriguez and Coach Charlie Weis. They will become football czars in the White House. Coach Weis will issue a new federal plan to do over the NFL, and coach Rod will issue a new federal plan to make over college football. Presdient Obama says he will not support either plan if it costs more than one trillion over the next 12 years. Replublican leaders already have said they would not support the new plans.

3. Kenneth Feinberg, Special Paymaster for President Obama, has determined that the new Irishwolve coaches cannot earn more than $37,500 annually.

4. High school players who accept UM football scholarships will earn a $6,000 tax credit.

5. Nancy Pelosi will enroll the UM Athletic Department in the U.S. government's new health insurance plan. The catch: Female athletes must promise not to seek any abortions. UM's athletes will be required to get sick not less than two times a year but not more than five. Any athlete failing to meet this requirement will face fines.

6. Fox News will be barred from reporting the results of all games played by the Irishwolves.