Many married people complain that their partner is reluctant to share feelings, or talk about the relationship in an emotionally supportive and close manner. Often such problems can be understood in terms of an incompatibility in the need for independence. The partner who seeks more emotional support may have a low need for independence, whereas the partner who avoids being emotionally close may have a high need for independence.
The need for independence can be thought of as a continuum of intrinsic motivation anchored at one end by the values of individuality and self-reliance and, at the other end, by the values of interdependence and support. Self-reliant people have a high/strong need for independence and may value their individuality, whereas interdependent people have a low/weak need for independence and may embrace emotional closeness or oneness.
Independent people devalue being in need of others, which for some includes not wanting to need others for emotional support. Some highly independent people even may be reluctant to express gratitude for favors (because they do not want to acknowledge they may sometimes need assistance). Many independent people dislike touchy-feely experiences because the loss of the sense of "I" may frighten them. Independent people are less likely to be religious, presumably because they do not want to rely on anybody, not even on God.
In contrast, interdependent people are comforted knowing they can rely on others to meet their needs. They may be motivated to be close to others, especially those on whom they rely to meet their needs. Many interdependent people value touchy-feely experiences or emotional closeness, or they may seek to become one with their partner. Some even pursue mystical experiences, or becoming one with a greater reality. Interdependent people are more likely to be religious, presumably because they experience emotional support from religion.
In a relationship, the independent and interdependent partners are motivated to gratify their own need, which necessarily frustrates their partner's need. The independent person is motivated toward self-reliance, which may include limiting the extent of emotional dependence on a spouse. Over time this person may minimize close emotional self-disclosures. The interdependent person is motivated toward emotional closeness in the relationship, which makes the independent person uncomfortable.
Because of self-hugging (see my post "Why Couples Quarrel"), the independent person thinks the interdependent partner is "weak" because he/she needs others. The interdependent partner thinks the independent partner has hang ups that wall off his or her feelings and need for others. Because of self-hugging, each thinks something is wrong with the other.
Everyday tyranny may occur between independent and interdependent partners. The couple may quarrel repeatedly over issues of emotional closeness, stubbornness, dependency, and not talking about feelings. The independent person may complain that the interdependent partner is too needy, immature, or burdensome, and the interdependent partner may complain that the independent partner does not provide sufficient emotional support, is too cold, or is insensitive.
Most people show both independent and interdependent traits. Sometimes they are self-reliant, but other times they rely on their partner or significant others. Needs theory holds that showing both traits is typical of average need. It is only when a person's need for independence is strong that he/she exhibits a general avoidance of closeness. It is only when a person's need for independence is very weak that he/she exhibits a general neediness.
This is the fourth in a series of weekly posts (on Friday mornings) on how the 16 human needs play out in relationships. The first post in this series was "16 Human Needs," followed by "Why Lovers Cheat," and then "Why Lovers Quarrel." Next week I will talk about why couples argue over work. To learn more about human needs, including relationships, consult my books "Who Am I" and "The Normal Personality", both available from amazon.com.
