Nearly all couples tend to have the same quarrels over and over again. Some quarrel over money; others over keeping up appearances to impress the neighbors; and still others over household tidiness. These quarrels rarely resolve; it is not uncommon, for example, for couples to have the same quarrels for years, decades, or even a lifetime.
I think I know why couples have repeated quarrels, and what can be done to minimize their impact on an otherwise loving relationship. My analysis is based on three concepts: self-hugging, everyday tyranny, and human needs analysis. Virtually all repeated quarrels arise because of unmet needs.
This is the first of three blogs discussing why couples quarrel. Here I will briefly explain the three concepts that are keys for understanding relationship compatibility and quarrels. In the remaining blogs, to be posted on successive Friday mornings, I will discuss common examples that are easy to understand.
16 human needs make us individuals. Everybody embraces these needs, but not to the same extent. One partner, for example, may have a strong, or high, need to socialize, whereas the other partner may have a weak, or low, need to socialize. The partner with a high need is motivated to socialize often, whereas the partner with a low need is motivated to minimize social activities. With respect to social life, partners with high and low needs are incompatible, but they may be compatible with respect to other needs.
Partners incompatible for social needs tend to quarrel repeatedly over friends and social activities. They may never reach a compromise because, according to the principle of self-hugging, they are motivated to misunderstand each other's needs.
Self-hugging is a natural tendency to think our values are best, not just for us, but for everyone. The gregarious partner, who usually experiences socializing as fun and solitude as unpleasant, concludes that a social lifestyle leads to more happiness than does the lifestyle of a loner. Thus, gregarious partners wonder what is wrong with private partners because they do no enjoy social life. The gregarious partner wonders if the private partner lacks social skills. Or perhaps something happened in childhood.
The private partner experiences solitude as pleasant and socializing as unpleasant. He/she wonders what is wrong with the gregarious partner for not being able to enjoy solitude, or at least quiet evenings at home. Maybe the gregarious partner is superficial. Maybe something happened in childhood that keeps the gregarious partner away from serious matters.
Since people believe their experiences above all else, gregarious people are convinced that socializing leads to intrinsic joy, whereas private people are equally convinced that solitude leads to intrinsic joy. Each has confused their own individual nature for human nature.
Everyday tyranny is trying to change a loved one to embrace your values, not for your benefit, but rather because you believe that your loved one would be happier with the lifestyle you value. Gregarious people quarrel repeatedly with private partners because deep down they believe that their private partner would be happier being more social. Private people quarrel repeatedly with gregarious partners because deep down they believe that their gregarious partner would be happier spending more quiet time at home.
Partners quarrel repeatedly because they underestimate the extent of human individuality. They think their partners can learn to enjoy what they enjoy, but their partners have different natures and will rarely enjoy what they enjoy. Everyday tyranny (effort to change your partner's values) doesn't work.
Nearly all repeated quarrels arise because one partner is high, and the other is low, with regard to one of the 16 human needs. Couples who are high/low for need for saving will quarrel over money; those high/low for need for power will quarrel over work hours; and those high/low for need for tranquility will quarrel over risk.
Next week: Why some couples quarrel repeated over talking/not talking about feelings.
