The theme of loss is a fear that can unbalance us. I know about it personally, having faced many scary moments when I thought I might lose someone I loved. And it's a fear that's particularly relevant when you child has an eating disorder, when both the health and life of your child is genuinely at risk. While your role as a parent is providing help, support, nourishment and nurturance, parents struggle with their own guilt and fears. In the next post I will write about dealing with guilt, but for now: lets tackle fear.

ANXIETY and FEAR: Unfortunately, we are biologically wired to be fearful. To keep our primitive ancestors alive, safe from ferocious animals and enemies, our brains evolved the default setting of cautiously scanning the environment for trouble. Lions, wolves, enemy tribes and nature's dangers-floods, blizzards, tornadoes and hurricanes were actual threats about which our ancestors truly needed to be continuously vigilant. We beca me wired to fear. Unfortunately, this is our biological heritage, and for many of us, although these threats are no longer present, a chronic fearfulness is the background-the default setting -- of our mental life. Its a default setting that can be activated in a myriad of settings and seconds, especially when you child has an eating disorder.

We all know that chronic worry doesn't solve problems, and instead, wears us down, physically and emotionally. And yet, so often I find myself helping my clients cope with the "help me stop worrying syndrome."

Just recently I came across something Rick Hanson's blog, "Just One Thing" that excited me. Hanson, a neuropsychologist, blogs and writes a weekly newsletter suggesting exercises and simple practices that bring peace of mind and heart. I found this exercise so helpful that I thought I'd share it with you.

"So take a moment, take a breath, and another..... and just notice... how you are feeling right now. You may be feeling not much at all, which is how most of us feel most of the time. You may be able to notice: no one is attacking me, nothing particularly bad...or good ...is happening.....I'm just reading along, I'm alright right now."

Hanson suggests we pay attention to that phrase: "I'm alright right now." He suggests we repeat it, whisper it, breathe it in deeply. I suggest we can use it as a mantra. And what Ive noticed is accessing what he calls our "Fundamental Sense of Alrightness" is like a vitamen: it can build an inner resource that can combat an inner sense of worry and fearfulness. The exercise asks us to do something both profound and simple: simply leave both the past and the future. it asks us to stay with the present moment, this moment.....this moment

I introduced it to a worried parent who was skeptical. He asked me: "Is this simply slapping a bandage on a gaping wound?" I told him I didnt see it that way. We don't need to live in the darkest moment all the time. I quoted one of my heroines, Elinore Roosevelt, who, at the outbreak of World War II is quoted as saying: "It's better to light a candle than sit in the dark." Roosevelt wasn't diminishing the importance of the war nor do I think parents should minimize the importance of an eating disorder. But all of us need a respite. We need to remind ourselves that even in a dark moment, we can find a glimmer of peace. Consciously noticing moments when a sense of safety, peace or alrightness prevails builds resiliency, reminds us that this is one reality--not the entire pie, but certainly a piece of the whole pie.

What I've noticed, is that it's possible for me to access that sense of alrightness at moments when I might be doing nothing-- (which is ok too): when I wash the dishes, brush my teeth, tidy up my desk. Little moments of alrightness can be a candle. I'd love to hear back from any of you who experiment with this practice. Looking forward to your feedback, and next blog will tackle dealing with guilt.