Research indicates that for someone who struggles with sexually compulsive behavior, disclosure of these behaviors to their partner is a key element of recovery. Also, it is ultimately the healthiest thing for their relationship - to break the pattern of secrets and compulsion. But this process of disclosure and discovery is typically incredibly painful for the partner. Coming clean may be the beginning of freedom for the discloser and ultimately best for the relationship, but for the partner the discovery is often a step that is shocking, causes great distress, and takes a great deal of time and effort to heal from.

In spite of this emotional and psychological upheaval, many partners are reluctant to get the help they need. "Many partners and ex-partners of sex addicts are particularly resistant to getting treatment for themselves," says Mavis Humes Baird of NYTimes.com. "They have the highest dropout rates of any major 12-step program." Why partners of people struggling with their sexual behaviors have such a particularly difficult time getting treatment is not fully clear, although from experience working with this population one could certainly speculate:

Partners of individuals who engage in these sexual behaviors often feel tremendous shame - even though the actual behavior is not their own. The partner can feel as if the behavior is not just a reflection of the actor, but is a reflection of the partner as well. Sometimes partners feel that they are partially responsible for the behaviors. Often partners feel isolated, and feel that people might think there is something wrong with them that they still want to stay in the relationship. Before something like this happens to someone, they often have thoughts like, "S/he would never do that to me," and "if s/he ever did that to me, I would just leave." But they find themselves much more ambivalent when the time comes.

Additionally, partners often don't want to tell anyone because they feel protective of the person they love, in spite of how that person has behaved. Sometimes the partners feel angry and betrayed and feel like it is not their problem - the person with the behavior issues needs the help, not the partner. Or partners don't want to tell anyone because they want to keep up the image people have of their "good marriage." Of course, the famous don't have this luxury of keeping things secret; but most couples do.

Regardless of the difficulty getting it, help for both members of the coupls is essential. Studies indicate that most couples ultimately do stay together, in spite of what they may think they would do before something like this happens. However, these same studies indicate that relapse of the sexual behavior is not prevented simply by disclosing the behavior to their partner. Additionally, the "if you ever do this again I'll leave you" threat also proves to be ineffective. Instead, both members of the couple require support and help acquiring new tools for recovery and moving forward in their lives and relationship in a new way. This forward movement is not easy. It takes tremendous work to examine one's habits, thoughts, emotional responses, and ways of being in life and relationship. It is also incredibly challenging for a couple to unlearn many of the ways of interacting and being together that they have been participating in for many years. But most couples find that the relationship that results from that work is ultimately more intimate and deeply fulfilling than the one they had before, and as individuals, they are leading a more deeply satisfying life.