How Not to Raise a Brat

Although most parents are vigilant about how their kids treat others, many parents unintentionally allow their children to treat them poorly. Not raising a brat starts with paying attention to how your child interacts with you.

You can see examples of this on a daily basis: kids who interrupt their parents, kids who ignore their parents, kids who speak disrespectfully, kids who yell or push or pull their parent’s hair.

Parents unintentionally “allow” this poor behavior for a number of reasons:

• They are not paying attention to the situation and don’t notice the disrespectful behavior
• They have gotten used to the behavior
• They aren’t sure how to change the behavior
• The behavior fits their expectation of how kids behave

Whatever the reason, “allowing” your kids to treat you poorly not only establishes a dysfunctional pattern of behavior (aka a bad habit), it also makes it more likely that your kids will treat others that way too.

Here’s a common example: a loving mom who is considerate of her son and watchful of his behavior with others. She treats her son with respect and kindness, but often doesn’t notice that he interrupts her, ignores her requests, and yells at her when he is tired or frustrated.

When he does these things, she usually stays calm and patient, and she will often tell him that his behavior is not okay. Staying calm and patient is always a good thing, but in these situations, only telling kids that what they are doing is “not okay” is often not enough.

Since children are attentive both to what we say and what we do, we also need to DO something differently in response to their problematic behavior.

For example, don’t continue the conversation while your child is yelling at you, or speaking disrespectfully. Don’t just give up when your child ignores what you are asking her to do.

Instead, try these six steps:

1. Stop the action and matter-of-factly point out the behavior (“Sweetie, I can see you want my attention, but you are interrupting me right now.”)
2. Describe why the behavior is problematic (“Interrupting is not nice manners.”)
3. Suggest an alternative behavior (“Please wait until there’s a pause in the conversation, or say ‘excuse me.’”) This suggested alternative should be one that you think your child can successfully do.
4. Above all, do not gratify the behavior. Do not address the issue your child is trying to bring to your attention until they use an acceptable alternative.
5. Ask for a replay ("Let's try that again. You need to get my attention--how can you do that with nice manners?")
6. Only resume the activity or conversation once the problematic behavior has been replaced by a more appropriate behavior.

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Dr. Erica Reischer is a psychologist, author, and parent coach. She is available for consultations and media commentary. More information at www.DrEricaR.com

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© Erica Reischer, Ph.D. 2014.