With a few breaks for Facebook and other minor diversions, I've spent the last eight hours preparing for Christmas. I know, I know: it's November 16th, for goodness sake. I try to stay ahead of the game. I never do, but I try.
One of the saddest things about being single in late middle age is the lack of Christmas presents I receive. I'm not greedy but I like to be thought of. Besides, I give my father a nice pile of gifts and then write out a check to myself for him to sign, usually on about the 28th, as I'm packing ornaments away. My only financial aim right now is to pay off credit cards so I won't use that check to "buy something nice for myself". I'll use it as an act of rebellion against JP Morgan Chase.
On the other hand, that act of rebellion will give me more satisfaction than receiving another of what I think of as Fat Lady Gifts. If you're giving an overweight woman a gift this Christmas, or if you want to discourage certain repeat offending items, I encourage you to take this advice to heart.
Here's a short list of items with which fat women are often shockingly overstocked. If she happens to collect one or more, disregard my prohibition but do as well as you can by her fetish. Stick to her taste, make sure you're not duplicating and go for the good stuff.
The aforementioned scarf. Especially the Big Scarf, the kind she can twiddle and bundle and hide in. Exceptions: has she bought a new coat that is different from previous coats? Is she going to a particularly fancy party? If she loves scarves, stick with real fabrics not synthetics. She should have to dry clean a winter scarf.
Perfume and bath products. Smelly stuff is one the first things people think of when it comes to trying to make us feel feminine. Take a look at what she's got in stock. If she's low on a perfume, it's a safe bet, as is a bath product you know she uses. (I love grapefruit soap, for instance.) Don't, however, go out and grab, even if it's expensive or trendy. I have enough body lotion and shower gel to keep Canada smelling of ginger. If you want to pamper her in the bathroom, think about ridiculously high-count cotton bath sheets or a gift certificate that will cover a mani/pedi.
Jewelry. No woman has enough jewelry, but fat women have enough of the oversize, chunky (i.e., distracting) jewelry. Earrings the size of dinner plates are not going to make a 300-pound woman look smaller so maybe you want to think about the more inexpensive precious stones or pearls - these come in every quality and price. (Remember: zircon is your friend.) If you buy her a necklace or bracelet, you may want to buy a stretchy or longer chain.
Clothes. Most of us love clothes. It may be difficult, however, to find out what size she's wearing, and it can be difficult to imitate her taste. On the other hand, the clothing industry has started to realize that 34% of Americans are overweight and another 34% is obese and clothes have gotten a lot better. Think gift certificates if you're unsure of her statistics and preferences. I'd like to provide a list of great websites but I don't know how Psychology Today would feel about that. I'll get back to you.
Bags. Pocketbooks. Purses. Whatever you call them, we love them and can't get enough of them either. When I worked in publishing, the three items of clothing we took stock of when meeting someone was coat, shoes and bag. Again, however, really take notice of what she has and what it's like. Fringe People are one sort and Pop Art are another. The good news is that bags are probably easier to scout than clothing. The bad news is that they can be pricey. You might need to do some bargain hunting. (The really good news for us, however, is that it's no more expensive to buy a purse for a fat woman than a thin.)
No media gifts that are about weight, exercise or nutrition unless she has specifically asked for it. If you just have to get all point-making, look for inspiration that will never mention weight - travel guides or stories or Hindu wisdom. Scientists are now looking at the relationship of obesity to stress so you might consider general meditation or stress-busting CDs or that magic gift certificate for a massage or aroma therapy session. Do not be any more overt than that.
Boyfriends, husbands and moms: this advice is particularly applicable to you! Think pretty, romantic, I'll-save-this-forever. Or think goofy. It's easier to guesstimate glove and hosiery sizes and I'd kill for a pair of midnight blue velvet gloves or purple tights.
And zip your lip when it comes to holiday noshing, Okay? We know we shouldn't. You can eliminate a lot of sneak eating by discussing that cake you had at Aunt Martha's house or asking if she can get Sally's recipe for paté.
Oh, and my sisters? The digital age now makes you part of this process. Many sites have wish lists. You can often Tweet or post an item you crave. When my mother had passed her shopping days, I used to mail her an outrageous pile of catalogues I'd carefully marked. I didn't expect everything or even much, but it gave her the fun of selecting and I had the fun of being surprised.
Happy shopping! I think I'll go polish up my own online wishlist....
