What Fat Women Want

I pulled your book off the shelf yesterday to see if you could give me some words of wisdom to clean up my food and from there I found you online. My 79-year-old mother died in Feb 2009 while undergoing open heart surgery to replace a mitral valve that was not functioning. We thought she was in excellent health and that she would live to 100 as her own mother did, she had never been overweight, not diabetic, no high blood pressure. She had cared for my 80-year-old father who has had metastatic prostate cancer for the last 2 years. My relationship with my mother was in turn prickly, loving, hateful, accepting with a ton of ambivalence. She was a narcissist who grew up in alcoholic family. As children, my sisters and I were secondary to her and her issues that were always more important than any thing we felt. She 'abandoned' me emotionally when I was 4 or 5 and I told her about the neighborhood child molester and what he did to me. She blamed me! I can't even say I miss her--I feel bad for her because she didn't want to die. But I've discovered that because of her I was able to keep my weight in check--only reaching 211 lbs once and hovering around 175-180 for most of my adult life. Just fat enough to be different but not fat enough for the fat lady stores. I found OA in 1988 (lost 50 lbs) and became gorgeous and beautiful. I was off sugar and flour for 6 years before I went into a tailspin after getting married for the third time. I married a man who wouldn't look at me if I wasn't a size 10. For 15 years I've been back and forth and up and down. I hate OA. Today I am abstinent and yesterday, too. I attend AA and have been sober for 23+ years. Giving up booze was easy compoared to food. I'm an eatie who loves Joyce and cats.
Well, thanks for reading this. I need to write more on my rebelling against my mother and now my husband by overeating and staying just fat enough to hate myself for my appearance and my overeating. I'm grateful my mother died so I could really see that getting back at her all these years was so tragic. I'm 59 now and regret so much.