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Just as with the Christmas/New Year holidays, Valentine's Day, set aside to celebrate love and lovers, can be a particularly sad time if you have lost your love. I remember in Sex and the City, the movie, when Miranda and Carrie celebrated together at a restaurant. The evening ended badly because of what Miranda had said to Big that heightened his fear of matrimony, which she had not confessed to Carrie before then. The ending of that evening is not what is important. It's the idea of friends, who are not in partnerships, whether young, middle aged or way past it, sharing a time of year that celebrates... love.
Widowed, widowered or simply not in a relationship...we still love. We love all kinds of people, dogs, cats, birds, art, music. Love is worth celebrating whether we are given a box of chocolates a bunch of flowers, a ring to seal a proposal of marriage or...just because we are alive and can love. If we think that Valentine's Day is the only day to celebrate it, we are out of touch with what the true meaning of love is.
Despite so many miseries in my life from childhood on, I can still love and love deeply. Though I've lost my husband and my ability to receive his gentle, romantic love, I still love him, the memory of him and our lives together. I love my children and grandchildren fiercely and without reservation. I love my friends who are chosen family beyond the one I am fortunate to have. I love my dog profoundly. He and I have aged together. He now has diabetes, high blood pressure and cataracts, but I am still able to provide him with a happy life and he, in turn, shows me the kind of uncomplicated love and loyalty that only animals seem to be able to show consistently... no strings attached. I love life, as harsh as it can be at times, as complicated, as fearful and anxiety-provoking some of its parts can be. I love it. Every day I wake up and think: I'm so lucky. I have another day to be, to see a sunset, to feel the sun on my face, to walk in the park, to talk to people, to hear music and the voices of my children and friends, to eat good food, to take care of my dog, and hopefully to do some good for someone I don't even know. To love. Another day to love, to feel that great surge of gratitude for life and my part in it.
So, for those of you who are alone on Valentine's Day I say, count...literally count your blessings. Count the ways you love and the ways you are loved by others. Then here are several more things you can do:
• ***Celebrate Yourself: This is so important to your well being, not only on Valentine's Day or special holidays that bring up sad times, but every day of your life. Sometimes we prefer to be alone rather than in the company of others...too much noise...too much gaiety...too much talk when that's the last thing we want to have to do. So, stay home and treat yourself as beautifully as you would a guest. Buy yourself that bouquet of roses, that heart shaped box of candy (you can eat it all!) Cook yourself a lovely dinner. Bake yourself your favorite cake. Put on your favorite music. Dance. You are alive! This is the time to concentrate on you and give yourself the love and attention you would give to someone else. You are the most important person in your life, the only person who will always be with you. Celebrate your courage and the fact that you can still make your life beautiful.
• Go out to dinner with a friend or friends or a family member who is special to you. Celebrate the love you have for each other.
• Have a Valentine's Day party. Invite people who you know are alone, too. Have them each bring a dish they ‘love' to share.
• Bake or make something for someone else...maybe cupcakes..everyone loves cupcakes. But you will think of what suits the person or persons you are baking for. Take it to them and tell them how much they mean to you.
• Try to stay out of the past. Stay in the moment you're in where you are only you, celebrating love and what it means in your life.
• Let out the feelings. If Valentine's Day has particularly poignant memories for you and you cannot shake the sadness, or even the anger that you have lost the one you love... let it out. Not at people, of course, just in the quiet of your own space...in whatever manner that comes to you. After you have vented your sadness, anger, hurt, rage...there will be room to let in some joy.
• Rent your favorite funny movie. A hearty laugh is as therapeutic as a good cry. My friend loves ‘Meatballs' and ‘Sleeper.' I tend to the Marx Brothers or the silliness of Monty Python. Whatever movie you love. Watch it and laugh. It may be the first time in a long time that you have.
• Create a ritual that has meaning for you. For instance: write a note or a blessing to your loved one, or one for yourself and your new life. Put it in a balloon and let it fly. Whatever ritual you create will be the best one.
• Concentrate on gratitude. Keep a positive attitude about all the love you do have in your life and focus less on what you have lost. It brings great rewards in terms of your well being. Write down what you are grateful for and keep it where you can see it.
• Get out in Nature. Take a long walk. Hug a tree if you really want to feel stability and strength. Or drive to a spot that gives you comfort and peace. It helps us realize that there is something much bigger than our own pain.
• Give yourself permission to be happy. Sometimes we feel disloyal to our lost loved one if we are having a good time, even in our own company. Allowing ourselves to enjoy the life we have paves the way to a fulfilling future.
Whatever you do, I wish you love and joy on the day we take time to celebrate what we should be celebrating every day of our lives.
Love.
