I still can't get used to the term, widow, though my husband has been gone for almost three years. I remember visiting a new physician after my husband died. I had to fill out the usual personal history form. After writing my name, I was given a choice: single, married, widow. I was about to circle, married, when I reluctantly moved my pen to the right. That little move brought me up short. I had never given myself that title, nor do I now. I prefer to think of myself simply as me, without my husband. Semantics, maybe. But there's more to it than that. Maybe because of history, in fiction and the real world...the widow this, the widow that, widow's walk, always conjures a dark, solitary figure and existence. That is not me and that is not my life. This will be the last time I use that term as a caption or to refer to myself.
I've been thinking long and hard about the New Year. I will be 73 in this coming year, daunting to think about because if I don't look in the mirror I still feel 16 in my head. I have a High School reunion coming up next summer and am still trying to decide if I want to go. There'll be a lot of "old" friends there too and it will take a few minutes for us to recognize each other, and then our young faces and memories will surface and we will all have a grand ‘old' time. A friend of mine from High School recently said to me regarding the reunion: "If we looked old to each other at our last reunion, (our 45th) what are we going to look like at our 56th?" Indeed!
But that aside, I have been giving a lot of thought to this new year, 2010 and decided to write down what I am grateful for having reached this year and what I wish for in the coming 12 months.
My gratitude:
For my continuing good health and ability to move around in the life I lead, despite some aging aches and pains.
For my sweet little dog, Pooh, whose little warm body pressed next to mine and his nightly snores have helped me through many a dark night of the soul. It is my blessing to be able to care for him and keep him healthy and happy.
For my beautiful family, my son, Bruce, and my daughter-in-law, Kristen, my daughter Lizzie and my grandchildren, Carlee and Sammy, and my daughter Rachel, all of whom are my constant cheerleaders and whose affection for me makes me know that I did a few things right in my life.
For my wonderful friends who stay connected, some far from me in miles and some close by.
For my work at Carnegie Hall, a place I have loved all my life and in which I now have the opportunity to share that love with the hundreds of visitors who stop by each Monday.
For my ability to play my piano even with arthritic hands.
For the ongoing solace and pleasure that writing gives me, and for the printed words of other authors who give me courage and strength and lend my personal world greater beauty.
For my husband's love which lives inside of me. I remember him every day.
For his foresight in making it possible for me to live independently without him.
For New York City and all its magic... theatre, music, ballet, museums, Central Park and even the constant noise and hustle. It gives me energy and sustenance every day.
For the doormen in my building who have become family and who treat me with such kindness and consideration each and every day
For my physical therapists who take this aging body and gentle it into working order with their magical hands.
And now for my wishes for the New Year. They are personal and global.
That my good health continues. Without it nothing else will be possible.
That my work, my book, and my outreach will continue to help those who, like me, have lost their beloved partner and are trying to create new lives.
That those who are so filled with anger and hate will put away their agendas of terror and understand that we must all care for and about each other or be destroyed.
That I will continue to appreciate what I have and not look to what I don't have.
That I will live in the now and not worry about the future.
That people who abuse animals will be removed from society for the remainder of their lives.
That those who abuse children will be accorded the same.
That people who are hungry will be fed
That those who need shelter will find it
That peoples of the world will find compassion and love for all struggling with the most critical of problems.
That I will continue to help those I can each and every day.
That my home and my friendship will be a haven for those who walk through my door.
That I will be able to be with my little family more this year than last and that all of us will celebrate 2011 together.
May the blessing of peace be the world's gift in the New Year.
Wishing you all a Happy, Healthy New Year.
