We all have a life story. In fact, we have many life stories. We have the story we tell in a job interview; the story we tell in our resume; the story our parents tell about us; the story we tell our friends. All these stories may be framed slightly differently and they probably change over time/life experience. These stories may include our upbringing, religion, obstacles we overcame, sports we mastered, influential figures in our lives and other critical information. The emphasis tends to be positive -- we're the hero of these stories.
There's another type of story we tell - one of self-doubt. It may be a story you tell a close friend or confidante. It may be a story you only tell yourself. It's a story which may be based on trauma, difficult relationships or an unpleasant experience of injustice or outright failure. This story and variations of this story are often rattling around in our heads and may come to the fore when we are facing a difficult challenge. These stories may come out to confirm a negative event that we just experienced. You may tell yourself, "Of course I didn't get that promotion, I'm really not that good."
We all have positive and self-doubt stories. The key is to be aware of them and to avoid being a prisoner to these stories. To do this, it helps to write them down.
Can you write down your positive/hero story? Can you write down your negative/self-doubt story? How have they changed over time? How do you frame and re-frame these stories?
Secondly, how do these stories impact your behavior? Many of us are not aware of these stories and the potent impact they have on our actions. They can help propel us forward or they can paralyze us and hold us back.
I was a bit of an awkward kid whose clothes never fit. Kids used to make fun of me about this. While I laughed it off, it made me feel awkward and anxious. Later, when I started to run large organizations, I had a fear of speaking in front of large groups. I wasn't aware at the time, but I now realize that the awkward/self-doubt story was in my head every time I had to give a speech. I eventually learned to be more aware of this narrative and find approaches to overcoming it.
Awareness is a powerful first step. Write down your stories. Think about how they impact your behavior. Discuss this with trusted friends and members of your support group.
You can't stop these stories from echoing in your mind. However, you can increase your awareness of these stories. You can put them in context and work to make sure you do not become a prisoner of these narratives. I will discuss this further in future columns. In particular, I'll talk more about techniques for processing these stories and reaching out to others in order to make sense of them.
Robert Steven Kaplan is a Professor of Management Practice at Harvard Business School and co-chairman of Draper Richards Kaplan Foundation, a global venture philanthropy firm. He is the author of "What to Ask the Person in the Mirror", a book published by Harvard Business Press (August 2011).
