Wander Woman

Guidance for the goal-driven woman

How to Win an Argument

When you disagree with someone, they have to want to hear your point of view. There are four things you need to do for people to be open to hear you. Once you do these four things, they are more likely to accept your logic. Read More

What if...

What if the other person goes out their way to NOT set an emotion-based intention, does NOT trust your intent, does NOT hold you in positive regard, and does NOT manage their reactions? What good will you do by following these four principles if the other person goes out of their way to resist them?

Please don't say you'll feel better because you tried to do the right thing. Ifit was important and you failed by doing the right thing you still failed and will have to deal with the fallout.

No matter how you slice it " If they are open to hear you, they may come to accept your logic. " doesn't apply because arguements are usually all about feelings, opinions, ego, "respect" and being right and nothing at all to do with logic.

The argument is probably about something else

You are right, this article is written for people who have some level of respect or care for each other.

If the other person has no respect or care for you, then the argument is a lose-lose. I would either:

1. walk away because it is a waste of energy to convince someone who can't be convinced, or
2. ask the person if there is anything that could be done to change the dynamic of the relationship, where we both get a chance to hear and respect each others point of view. Either they would suggest a different process or let you know in some non-verbal way that it is not possible.

The question is then, what broke the trust in the first place? Does the person act this way with only you or everyone? And, what is it that you really need from the person to feel better about your relationship...can you ask for that?

The confrontational approach

Anonymous wrote:
No matter how you slice it " If they are open to hear you, they may come to accept your logic. " doesn't apply because arguements are usually all about feelings, opinions, ego, "respect" and being right and nothing at all to do with logic.

The author of this article is giving us the "non-confrontational" approach. For her, it is the only choice, since her personality type believes -- to the innermost being -- that talking things out is the only way to make true lasting changes. She's probably right in her mind.

But… I believe that sometimes a temporary change in position by the other party can also be desirable. It brings temporary peace. You'll have the same argument sometime in the future, but for a little while, you can gain some sense of victory.

The way to this temporary peace is through a "confrontational " approach. The author won't like this approach, but when you're at your wits end, this is an option.

Different definitions of "confrontation"

Interesting you would assume I am not confrontational. In fact, that is my style. The ideas I share in the article are what I have learned over time that work alongside my direct approach.

Using direct communication, clear feedback, and holding your own in a conversation doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to what the other person has to say, does it?

Yes, there are times where you state your case for the purpose of making it clear how you feel and what you want, period. And you have to be prepared for a likely negative reaction that could do permanent harm to the relationship. I have done that as well.

There are many options to handling disagreements as you point out, including just walking away if it's a lost cause. You will choose what is right for you. And if it doesn't work, I hope you consider the ideas shared in the post.

Wonderful article

Thanks for an absorbing article


A tip I learned a long time ago from fellow coaches is something I use still today.


W hy
A m
T alking

The moment you feel the urge to jump into the convo instead of listening, think WAIT.


I love that tip, Steve. I teach WAIT in my coaching classes, too. It's a good ping for the brain. Thanks!

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Marcia Reynolds, PsyD., is the author of two leadership books, The Discomfort Zone and Wander Woman. She is President of Covisioning, a leadership development and coaching firm.


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