I am in Los Angeles--anorexic and skinny people capital of the world. What this means is that I am fat and I need to lose five pounds right now.
You'd think that growing up in this environment, I would already be used to this weight-obsessed culture. Next door to every greasy hamburger joint is a gym and the number of billboards commanding you to "Change your life with Lap-Band" easily outnumbers the number of celebrities residing in Malibu.
I have always been on the thinner side, but let us rewind to 2010, and my year in Chicago, where I spent many days gorging on Lucky's sandwiches and feeding an obsessive-need-a-restraining-order-type addiction to Flub-a-Dub Chub's Chicago style hot dogs and I find my ass suddenly impregnated with an additional 10 pounds of fat.
What's a girl to do? I don't do diets, especially not crash diets, and I do not consume any good that is called, "Lean" or "Healthy Choice." I despise all weight loss books, nutrition experts and diet articles, because these things have never worked for me. Have they for anyone? And by the way, to the person who came up with "negative calories," or vegetables that contain so few calories that it takes more calories to digest them - I curse you and wish you to a gruesome death by a thousand razor cuts.
But I'm proud to say that in just three months, I lost the weight and have still kept it off. And what helped me was not eating buttloads of beef via Atkins, but my love for pop culture. Maybe these tips will help you too.
1. Watch "Maury Povich" as you run on the treadmill.
The best thing about my gym is having individual televisions for each exercise machine. And because I don't have a TV at my apartment, the gym is the only place I can go to get my fix of quality television programming. Choose Maury's show, and ideally, one of those "Who's my baby's daddy?" episodes, because Maury runs about an hour long, which means that you will also be running an hour long, desperate to find out who the real father is. "Jerry Springer" and "Steve Wilkos" are also good alternatives.
2. Every time you want to eat McDonalds or other bad fast food, watch "Super Size Me." I just watched Morgan Spurlock's stomach churning documentary again last week and its effects still haven't worn off. My personal weakness for Chicken McNuggets has been temporarily suspended, knowing that these nuggets are made from
geriatric chickens with giant Pamela Anderson-sized breasts.
3. Give up soda. All of them, even diet sodas. This is really easy for me, as I have never been a fan of any kind of burning sensation in my body. Soda is a waste of calories and has been known to increase your risk of obesity and type 2 diabetes. If you are in desperate need of carbonation, drink sparkling water or just blow bubbles in your unsweetened iced tea.
4. Find an attractive person of the opposite sex to motivate you and sustain your momentum. Imagine that they are the proverbial carrot on a stick in front of you, enticing you to reach your goal BMI. Current, past, and future love interests work great as do hot neighbors and good-looking coworkers.
5. Skip a meal. My mom might flip out knowing that I do not eat three nutritious meals a day, but I'm just not a huge breakfast person. In fact, I'm far more productive and energized when I don't scarf down a giant bowl of cereal or spaghetti before 9 a.m. As long as it doesn't make you overeat the rest of the day, foregoing a meal can actually be good for you, says researcher Richard Weindruch. His study on primate diets reveals, "that caloric restriction can improve survival." If you're starving, you probably shouldn't skip a meal, but don't eat for eating's sake.
6. Watch MTV's
"I Used To Be Fat" every time you need some motivation
. This reality show follows overweight teens over the course of a few months as they struggle to lose weight and build self-confidence. The show effectively captures how food contributes to self-destructive behavior and inspires people to live healthier lives. Just watching the promos gets me teary-eyed. But the real benefit is that it'll encourage you to get off of your lazy fat ass and go work out.
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