I've become somewhat of an advice guru lately. People have been coming to me, seeking advice about relationship woes, familial problems and mid-20s crises. I feel like a really unqualified Dear Abby or Dr. Drew.
I think people mistake my three month PT internship as a degree in psychology, but it's cool- because, I know my way around WebMD and Wikipedia pretty well.
The best part about administering advice is knowing that it's actually "really good." Being outside of a particular situation provides you with a surprising objectivity that makes any problem and solution blatantly obvious. You don't get mired in potentially confusing feelings that may distort the facts. I can say, "Darling, if that leopard thong you found in his bed is not yours, then yes, he's cheating on you," and be a 110 percent right.
If I were a love-sick girl in denial, however, it would be a completely different story. I would create some elaborate scheme where the underwear was actually planted by Glenn Close, who happened to be cooking rabbit stew in the other room.
Still, the worst part of dispensing advice is that NO ONE actually follows through with it. When most people ask a question, they already have an answer in mind-which is usually, the answer they would like to hear.
Oftentimes, the answer they would like to hear is the antithesis of reality.
Therefore, when I give them good advice or an answer that conflicts with what they were expecting, they usually resist and fight my rationale with a quick and simple response: But, I can't.
Oh, what would President Obama think?
The truth? Most people simply don't want to.
No one wants to be inconvenienced or do things that might hurt them, even if it's temporary or for their own good. They would much rather suffer in a familiar situation interminably than experience something new and potentially better.
That's probably one of the major reasons I hate going to the doctor. I panic just thinking about it, because whenever I have gone to the hospital, something terrible has happened or something terrible will be diagnosed. (I rarely think about the times those trips have actually saved me.)
What baffles me though, is why we still seek advice from outside sources, even when we don't actually want to use it?
Clinical psychologist and prolific author Laura Smith says, sometimes people aren't really seeking any help at all. Oftentimes, they're just venting or not really serious. She contends the best advice is none at all:
"Silence is indeed golden in many situations. You might wonder how, as a psychologist, I can endorse the idea of being silent. Most people think that the job of being a psychologist must involve giving advice all day long. Actually, the opposite is true. The best therapy involves guiding clients to discover their own solutions. That's because people change when they choose to. And change is more likely when people believe that they have figured out what they want to do on their own."
Instead of offering ostensibly good solutions, like I was doing, she advises (ha!) that people should not give advice unless specifically asked, and even then, don't expect anyone to follow it.
Smith also suggests that you come up with several alternatives and brainstorm with the advice seeker so it's more of a collaborative effort-meaning your friend may feel more compelled to act on her accord, because it's her idea, not yours.
And finally, she urges: "Don't give advice in areas you are not qualified by profession or experience," which means I should only be dispensing advice on how to deal with hate mail and reruns of "Charles in Charge."
I love that she said that people change only when they choose to. Nothing is truer. If people could just realize the significance of this statement, I don't think there would be any people left seeking advice. Don't you think? After all, we would all realize that we cannot ever change anyone or make another person behave in the way we would like, which, let's face it, is the reason why most people are seeking advice in the first place!
One of my favorite adages is by Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
It's brilliant, don't you think? Oftentimes, this is what I tell my friends who are seeking some kind of life guidance. Unfortunately, I think discovering one's bliss is more difficult than it sounds. The fear of "what if" usually shrouds the potential for bliss, especially, if it means the end of a relationship or admitting a painful truth.
It's hard. It really is. You'll cry and pout. And you'll scream at God for making your life so miserable. But sometimes, I think a temporary struggle is the only way to finding a lasting bliss. Not that I'm giving any advice or anything...
P.S. Many thanks to the readers who have been so supportive of this blog. Thank you for allowing me to make my sometimes silly observations about life and realizing that I am just a "blogger," not a licensed professional nor someone who claims to be an expert in anything (except 80s movies and bad puns).
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Sources: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2010/04/giving-and-getting-advice/
