Jeret Peterson killed himself Monday night, and I wonder.
Imagine growing up and dreaming of making the U.S. Olympic team--in Jeret's case, in freestyle aerial skiing, where he was best known for inventing the Hurricane, which involves five dangerous twists and three flips in one single audacious leap. Years later when that dream comes true, your dream changes. Now you dream of standing on the medal stand as the National Anthem plays, and feeling a tear crawling down your cheek.
Jeret Peterson realized that dream, too. At the 2010 Vancouver Games he won a silver medal; only one skier in the world outscored him. And when he stood on the podium, "Speedy" felt his tears come not in a trickle, but in waves.
But I wonder: Might Jeret have been better and happier with a bronze--and with one, might he still be alive?
Researchers have studied the first question, and the answer for many medal winners is "Yes." Gold medalists feel elated by the knowledge that they are the best in the world. Curiously, most bronze medalists feel happy, too. They know they came very close to winning nothing.
But what do silver medalists feel? Their primary thought is "If only." If only they had not made that tiny mistake, they'd have won a gold medal and the fame and fortune that follows.
I don't know what demons tore away at Jeret. He was sexually abused as a child, and lost his five year-old sister to a drunk driver and a best friend to a self-inflicted gun shot wound right in front of Jeret in 2005. But to reach a peak so high that only one skier in the world can reach you requires a relatively healthy mind, and Peterson reported last year, "I'm a different man now. You couldn't pay me $10 million to go back to who I was in 2006."
Something must have happened to Jeret after that interview. Something changed, because taking one's life is the desperate act of someone who sees nothing ahead but the grinding misery that keeps him in bed all morning, and in Vancouver, he beamed. Something had to happen to that 29 year-old boy, and, as I sit here tonight, I cannot help but wonder:
Was it that silver medal?
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No pain equals the agony of losing a child. So I pray for you in Jeret's family, and thank you for giving us that boy and the joy he gave millions of us who saw him soar.
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For more:
"Exploring the Silver Medal Psyche", http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12417868
"Olympic Happiness: Better to win Bronze than Silver Medals?" Published on February 25, 2010 by Allen R. McConnell in The Social Self, Psychology Today http://bit.ly/oHRHEo
