Under a Friendly Spell

How friends influence us, for better and for worse, throughout life.

Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother

How to get over a narcissistic mom. Read More

Great article!

I am going to recommend the article and the books to my clients.

Joe Kort, LMSW is a psychotherapist and author of several books on gay and lesbian identity and relationships. He keeps an updated website at www.joekort.com

narcissistic and borderline

Sounds like good advice.

There's a lot of overlap between narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, so readers might also be interested in this PT article about getting over a borderline mother.

Narcissistic fathers?

How about narcissistic fathers? Any information on that?

You know, in looking at the criteria for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one cannot help but think of George W. Bush.

yes...

... Or having a mother that cannot see through the window, no matter how much you clean it!

narsistic moms

i too grew up with a n.m...she abandoned me and my we are her caregivers...tryin to blame us for her condition...i just laugh in her face...i was always the rebel....i definately dont fall for her tricks...shes been gone for 40 odd years....dont eveb try that nars ,,,when i was 17.....now shes back still tryin to manipulate ...shes also got alz...iyou have to beat them at their own game///wish my sis would realize this...shes still letting moms call the shots...tried to make her see the light...mom isnt the boss...hasnt been since we were kids...my self esteem is strong...makes my mom mad....wow its bizzare////she can try all she wants...bottom line is she needs us ...we dont need her///i love and support my kids...no matter what..and vice versa...the cycle has been broken...THANK GOD...cause HES what really matters...not mom//

thank you for writing this comment

I just discovered in the past 24 hours that my mother is this to the "T". I've been going through all these emotions and seeing how confident and strong your words sound gives me hope. Seeing you having gotten over it and moving on with your life makes me think I can do that too someday.

Thank you.

Wow, I've been trying to

Wow, I've been trying to figure out the Christian approach to a narcissistic Mom. I am approaching 60 and have just realized why my family is SO DYSFUNCTIONAL! My mom and sister are narcissistic and I don't know quite how to deal with them. Mom is 81 now and is staying with me and 2 sisters. I have read a lot about severing relationships and contact and this really appeals to me in achieving peace in my life. But what is right when it comes to my Christian faith? What would Jesus do?

Wow, as a Christian woman

Wow, as a Christian woman with a narcissistic mother and possibly a sister, I have been wondering the same thing. If you have any insight, please share. Thanks!

Detach with ompasion, this is

Detach with ompasion, this is what I do and it works for me. Forgiveness is the key, then move on in peace. God Bless, love and light to you.

http://www.luke173ministries.

This is where I first got

This is where I first got started. It has a section on scripture and what the bible says about narcissism.

http://postcardstoanarcissist.wordpress.com/children-of-narcissists/

Jesus would follow the

Jesus would follow the instructions given by God the father. God is very clear on what we are to do about evil, especially evil within our families and church. Separate ourselves from it! He knows that evil is contagious and destroys everyone around it. We are not to support evil in any form. We are to run away from it. Spend time reading the bible about evil and you will see what you are to do. I separated myself from my mother a long time ago when I finally realized that she was indeed evil. Narcissism is evil, it is hell on earth. I would encourage you to get your mother and sister out of your life and start recovery.

I do not understand why you

I do not understand why you think that narcissism is evil. This is a disorder we are talking about. These people can not help the way they are unless they undergo successful treatment methods. Nowhere in the bible does it say "Narcissism is evil". I do not think that completely ridding oneself of their mother or sister is a solution to the trouble this person is having. That could possibly bring more negative emotions into her life by no longer having family members in her life. I personally think that the best way to overcome the emotions this person feels towards her mother and sister would be to just accept that this is the way they are. Like the author of this book said, she needs to set boundaries of her own. Possibly a short separation period would be good just to clear the air and give her some space but completely removing those people from her life is not going to be a long time solution.

I disagree with you. It is

I disagree with you. It is evil. The look in my mother's face while she was choking me screaming she was going to finally kill me, was evil. Letting her husband sexually, mentally and physically abuse me as a child and into my teens, was evil. Not feeding me, providing clothes for me when I hit 16, that is evil. I am 48 years old and just finding out about narcissism and let me tell you, she is evil! Her husband, the narcissistic sociopath, he is as well. They are upstanding people in the community. He is now a priest!!!! Can't tell me that's not evil.

Sick or not, their actions are from hell. I am sick too, I live with mental disease from all of that mess. I take responsibility if I hurt someone. Always ask forgiveness and am always working on myself to be better, happier, true.

Yeah, it's damn straight evil.

Bad deal

Sorry you had such a bad time. At least you're aware of what was behind the troubled life you had. I think Narcs have evil 'in them' for sure -as it is a self regarding sense of right they have which is unsustainable in 'normal' company.
That sounds like evil to me. OK, in Christian terms we should forgive but at a distance- waiting for the repentance needed.
I fear that most, if not all, narcissists get adequate 'supply' in their formative years and adult [family] life that they never need to really question themselves.
I've not seen my daughter for 25 years due to brainwashing from her mother, so feel much empathy here.
Not sure if my daughter is now of the same mindset, but I fear so.
All heavily into born again stuff, too.

In Lisa's defense...

Evil and its Synonyms per Merriam Webster: adverse, bad, baleful, baneful, damaging, dangerous, deleterious, detrimental, harmful, hurtful, ill, injurious, mischievous, nocuous, noxious, pernicious, prejudicial, wicked

The best thing to do is get

The best thing to do is get out of a narcissistics life. They will destroy you. Your right they can't help it but the other thing they can't do is admit they have a problem and seek help. I have a daughter-in-law from HELL......she is evil. She is trying to destroy her 11 year old daughters life. It's impossible to help a narcissist because they think there is something wrong with everyone else not them. Dealing with a person like that is exhausting. You truly begin to hate them and have not sympathy for them at all. I think the best thing to do is get out of their lives and let them figure it out. If they don't they will most likely be alone the rest of their lives as no one can deal with such a disturbed person.

Jesus would follow the

Jesus would follow the instructions given by God the father. God is very clear on what we are to do about evil, especially evil within our families and church. Separate ourselves from it! He knows that evil is contagious and destroys everyone around it. We are not to support evil in any form. We are to run away from it. Spend time reading the bible about evil and you will see what you are to do. I separated myself from my mother a long time ago when I finally realized that she was indeed evil. Narcissism is evil, it is hell on earth. I would encourage you to get your mother and sister out of your life and start recovery.

Hi Lisa, I completely agree

Hi Lisa,
I completely agree with you! You need to seperate yourself from these mothers. It is not a loveing thing to do to yourself to subject yourself to that abuse. xoxo Melissa

Hi Lisa, I completely agree

Hi Lisa,
I completely agree with you! You need to seperate yourself from these mothers. It is not a loveing thing to do to yourself to subject yourself to that abuse. xoxo Melissa

Will I Ever Be Good Enough

Hi Lisa, For years I tried to rid myself of the guilt of not having a loving relationship with my mother. I could never seem to quite understand what it was that she was doing or even be able to explain it to anyone. I am now FREE! I finally understand why our family is so dysfunctional. I will love my mom as she gave me life, but that is the end of it. I had to completely separate from her and this freedom has been life changing for me.

Narcissistic mothers

this is an old post but I must agree that I had to let my abusive narcissistic mother go as well.Forgive her but vanish from her.

Narcissistic mothers

this is an old post but I must agree that I had to let my abusive narcissistic mother go as well.Forgive her but vanish from her.

thank you, freedom is LOVE

AHO <3
For years I tried to rid myself of the guilt of not having a loving relationship with my mother. I could never seem to quite understand what it was that she was doing or even be able to explain it to anyone. I am now FREE! I finally understand why our family is so dysfunctional. I will love my mom as she gave me life, but that is the end of it. I had to completely separate from her and this freedom has been life changing for me.

Helpful Book

Hello, I've read so many books on narcissism being in the same boat as you, although I stumbled across NPD quite a few years ago. As a Christian, I understand your concerns regarding honoring your parents. If you choose to maintain contact with your mother, the best "How To" instructional manual on the market as far as hands-on practical every day type guidelines for dealing with NPD is: The Complete Idiot's guide to: Coping With Difficult People. I just finished that book, and so wish I found it years ago. There are tons of books on narcissism. I've read most every one out there but, "Coping With Difficult People" has helped me most with "managing" narcissists, which of course makes my world a little better. A wonderful website with very informative, free blog material is: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com. And a book that may help you establish boundaries without feeling guilty is: "Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide To Navigating The Schemes, Snares, And No-Win Situations Unique To Abusive Families". The best recommendation I can give you is to learn as much about NPD as you can and treat yourself to therapy and a really good support system! You are not alone, and you are never to old to re-define yourself! Despite what the narcissists in your life think, you are worthy! Sending Soul Healing Vibes Your Way... God Bless, Cathy

I Have a Disability & I’m Living With My Narcissistic Mother

I have been ill off and on since I was a child. Now my illness is constant. I have chronic pain and rely on social security disability to survive but that is not enough to be on my own, so I must live with my mother. I believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’ve always been the scapegoat, the one at the bottom of the pecking order. My mother is one person when it is just her and I, and then turns into a different person each time a new person enters the room. The dynamic always changes. The only thing that is constant is the fact that I will be the one in the room who suffers, the one who is blamed. Even if I’m not in the room there will be a manipulation forming. She will be telling all my siblings different stories in order for it all to explode at my expense. It all ends with me behind closed doors in my room fighting back tears while they laugh and play games. Meanwhile I’m forced to wait a few days in my room while my family visits my mother’s home and tries their best to get in as many mental floggings as possible (since my mother has gotten them all worked up by telling them how worthless I am). And of course they don’t actually think I’m ill or suffering from pain even though I’ve had several surgeries and I have the medical files to show for it. Besides the fact that I used to work two jobs and go to school full time and now I don’t. People don’t just do all of that and then Not—because they feel like taking the rest of forever off.
They're not always a logical bunch. But they feel it is their job to punish me since I am unproductive and am taking up needed space on earth that should go to someone else. I feel bad bashing my family, especially since they probably don’t know my mother is manipulating each of them. I don’t think my step-father is aware of it either. He’s not one to look too closely at things.
I pretty much just try to ignore everyone. I go to my room. My mother and step-father get mad if I don’t properly socialize, but then I get manipulated into some mental flogging if I do participate. I get blamed for something almost immediately. I hate getting up in the morning because I dread what will be said to me. There will always be at least some veiled comment at my expense meant to wound me or send direct message. I try to wait until they have left the main living area before I use the facilities. I avoid them at all costs. It is just easier that way. I usually try to sleep during the day and stay awake at night to avoid them. Today they are away during the day.
Does anyone have any advice or know of any other resources? Perhaps for low or no income individuals with mental health needs in rural areas? The “Helpful Books” look like they might be useful. But I’m wondering if there is any help out there for someone in my situation?
Thanks.

Good wishes

I have just read your comment here, and there is probably nothing at all I can say to assist you in a practical way. I would just like to say - although yours is a horrendous situation, you have articulated it so well, and have obviously given so much thought to the motivations and behaviours of your famiy, it's a shame that such a sensitive and intelligent person as yourself isn't appreciated and loved unconditionally. I am so sad to think about your situation, and I wish I could help you more than to just send you this message of support.. I notice from the date that this is a few months later, so I hope you have managed to find some practical assistance and advice. Cheers from Australia.

Good wishes

I have just read your comment here, and there is probably nothing at all I can say to assist you in a practical way. I would just like to say - although yours is a horrendous situation, you have articulated it so well, and have obviously given so much thought to the motivations and behaviours of your famiy, it's a shame that such a sensitive and intelligent person as yourself isn't appreciated and loved unconditionally. I am so sad to think about your situation, and I wish I could help you more than to just send you this message of support.. I notice from the date that this is a few months later, so I hope you have managed to find some practical assistance and advice. Cheers from Australia.

I read your story, and wanted

I read your story, and wanted you to know, that I understand, because I felt like I was reading my own life story. I care for you! We will probably never meet, but I wanted you to know, that someone in this world is on your side!!! Do not give up. Whatever you do, never, ever give up on believing in yourself. You see clearly what is going on, and this will be your source of power, your inner strength, that no one can take away, that noone can break down. Be kind to yourself first and foremost. Please, please, only say good things to yourself about yourself. I wish I would have known this 'secret' sooner. Life will fall into place. It just does. Dream of what you want your life to be. Just picture it in your mind. Every little act of hope will build on itself. The Universe loves you. Everyday do something for yourself, to build health and strength. I think this emotional torture from your family is of course what caused your body to breakdown. Heal your heart. You can do it. I know you can. I am on your side! Have deep kindness and compassion for yourself. It will begin to heal you. Your life Will move forward and you will breathe clean fresh air again, and you will feel the sun on your face. I can hear in your words your strength. You are a kind soul, much kinder than your family members. And kindness and goodness always wins! Hugging you with a smile, in support, Monica.

there is hope

I hope you read this reply as your post is a while ago. I have been in your exact situation, and want to share hope. For 13 years of hell, I lived with, or next door, to my narc mother, while sick and on disability. For 7 of those years, I lived WITH her and her enabling husband, my father, who I adore. (He can also be controlling too, though, but I love him dearly as he TRULY loves me, and will work on change if you ask him to.) Then the next 6 years I lived next door on their property in a mobile home my father helped me to set up. I had been sick the entire 13 years, with chronic fatigue syndrome and irritable bowel syndrome. The year I moved away she read all my journals about her and her abuse, and she made it her goal for the next 10 years to destroy me, my confidence, my marriage, and my happiness. It's an ongoing struggle to keep her at bay, but she has not succeeded and NEVER will. However, my advice to you is two things: both of which worked to get me out of that hell. 1)Keep reading and learning- doing this and doing a lot of work on myself (my damaged inner self) got me away from her and into a truly loving relationship/marriage with the greatest guy in the world. The reading will heal your spirit and soul, too 2) Look into dietary changes for your health-specifically a "paleo" type of diet. This diet reflects how we are supposed to eat and will allow your body to heal naturally. The SCD diet (also a paleo diet- for a damaged gut) is currently healing my body. I have only (past several years) recently discovered this type of eating/healing and it takes time, but I know I'll get there, just like I got away from her. (In 18 months, I'm about halfway there). She just last week read some of my journals again, and may have taken some of them, in which I call her a malignant narcissist, evil, and an abuser- during a party in our home while I stepped outside for 5 minutes! So once again I'm nervous of her payback (she'll axe me out of her will I'm sure), but know I'll get thru this. I need to go no contact but love my dad and my bipolar brother, so it's not easy. It's never easy. But you CAN do this! Sending love your way...

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Carlin Flora is a journalist in New York City. She was a member of PT's staff from 2004-2011, most recently as Features Editor.

more...

Subscribe to Under a Friendly Spell

Current Issue

Dreams of Glory

Daydreaming: How the best ideas emerge from the ether.