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This series of posts is dedicated to the memory of my grandfather, Emanuel (Manny) Gold. His funeral was on July 8, 2009. My two cousins and I spoke at the funeral. My cousins and I get along well. We grew up living within a mile of each other for most of our childhoods, and I am still lucky enough to see them whenever I go back to the east coast. We had different interests in school growing up, though, and we took different career paths. Yet, we each had a very similar experience with my grandfather.
Each of us felt that grandpa was proud of our achievements whatever they were. No matter what the activity that we were engaged in, we could feel his enjoyment at our successes. At the funeral, we each got reports from longtime friends of my grandfather that he would tell others of our accomplishments.
What I find wonderful about this is that my grandfather didn't play favorites. He did not reserve his pride for particular types of achievements in a particular area. His joy at our successes was happiness that we had achieved something of value to us. His reaction was never tempered by the value of our success to him.
This is not an easy feat to accomplish. There is a lot of evidence that people's likes and dislikes are strongly driven by the goals that are active for them. Having preferences that are affected by our goals is important for helping us to achieve our goals. Essentially, having a goal to achieve a particular outcome makes objects that will help us to achieve those goals feel more desirable, and thus keeps us focused on satisfying our goals.
Interestingly, we are often unaware of the particular goals that are driving these evaluations. Because we are often unaware of the goals that are affecting our preferences, there is a tendency for us to value the things other people do that fit with our own goals. And this may be true without our even realizing that we are doing it.
Overlaid on these unconscious preferences are conscious goals that we may adopt for our relatives. I know that as a parent, there are certain hopes I have for my children. One of the most difficult things I have had to do as a parent is to determine how to balance my own hopes for my children with the goals that they have set for themselves.
What my grandfather was able to do was to leave his own preferences out of the equation when enjoying the accomplishments of his family. I suspect that most of things that I have done in my life were not things that my grandfather had even the slightest interest in doing himself. Yet, he was always truly happy to hear good news from me.
So, my grandfather taught me that it is easy to give someone close to you a thing of great value that comes at no cost to yourself. If you suspend your own judgment about other people's actions and enjoy what they have achieved because of its meaning to them, then everybody wins. You get a shot of familial pride, and they get the warmth of knowing that they are loved because of who they are rather than because of who you might have liked them to be.
