Turning Straw Into Gold

3. Match people with tasks based on their interests, their strengths, their time flexibility and your comfort level with them, given the intimacy of the particular task.

Yes. This is spot on.

Over the years, I've seen writers give various pieces of advice to people who are chronically ill and people who are caregivers. Most of them say ask for help. Coauthors of one book bucked the trend. Your friends say they want to help, they warned, but your friends will let you down if you ask.

As an example, they talked about how one of the coauthors asked her very best friend if she could watch the coauthor's husband while coauthor went out and did something. Best friend, who'd given a sincere-seeming offer to help with anything at all, refused to do it. In fact, she was offended that coauthor had asked her.

Well, yeah. Coauthor's husband had early-onset Alzheimer's and wasn't the easiest person to deal with. In fact, he could sometimes be violent. I consider myself a reasonably good friend, but I don't think I would have said yes either.

Here's my corollary to #3: spread out your requests. The friend who's happy to do laundry for you once a week might not be thrilled to do laundry, go grocery shopping, pick up your prescriptions, and cook for you once a week.

Oh boy...asking for help is something I find so difficult. It's probably the hardest part of being sick for me. I think your advice about being specific is excellent and something I'll try to do.

Toni, you must have different friends than I do. The expression of wanting to help is just that, an expression of concern. Usually they don't really want to spend time to help. Asking them for a weekly task is way out of line. I just accept their concern gratefully.

A chronic illness is much different than someone who is just temporarily ill and you might be able to do something to help them once. But no one wants to commit to taking care of a chronically ill person on any long term basis (unless there is some very special relationship).

I'm just grateful that some cares enough to ask.

I am on the other side of this, I am a friend who often likes to help out, and you hit the nail on the head. Giving me something to do is a gift to me. If my friends are sick, stressed, depressed, etc., I like to have something active to do to help make things easier (besides listening, that goes without saying).

With some friends who I know really well, I try to make things easier by doing the converse of what you suggest. If I see some task that I could accomplish, I ask specifically. For a friend who is sick and planning a wedding, "can I pick up the dresses from the seamstress?" Sometimes people do not want to impose and ask for specific help, or sometimes it's hard to organize what needs to be done, so if I see a task I can take off their hands, I ask.

I think a lot of times in life, being specific makes things so much simpler.

Toni this is so important. It took me a long time (and my husband as well) to learn to ask for help from friends and family. Allowing others to help us when we are in need actually benefits them as well, because they truly want to be of service. It is as much a healing practice for the giver as it is for the receiver. I've gotten to be much closer to people in my synagogue community who I was only a casual friend with in the past, because of the kindness they have shown to me and my family. I've had wonderful conversations and in turn have found ways to help them too from my own home, through my computer.

A fantastic tool I discovered online that helps my family tremendously is http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/ This tool allows me to schedule appointments that my husband can't take me to (I no longer drive) with friends and community members who have the time and are happy to assist us in this way.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and advice.

Thank you for this article, Toni, I love reading them every week. I always loved stepping in where a saw a need, it was not always welcome, but most of the time it was appreciated. I once read somewhere, don't ask, do! It stood me good stead over the years. As an example, if we went to someone for a meal I would offer to help clear up and nine times out of ten, the offer would be refused. So I never asked if help was needed with the dishes, if the hostess started clearing up, I would just get up and help. There was a benefit for me, as we would usually end up having a good natter over the dirty plates! The dress for your granddaughter is another example.
I remember one time, my neighbour was getting married and they were having the reception at home and had a marquee put up in their garden. Peter and I did most of the catering and at the reception, her husband's son asked me what did I think I was going to get out of it. I was horrified and told him it was satisfaction of a job well done!
When I offered my help, at times I would be told - no, I can't ask you to do that - my reply would be "you are robbing me of a blessing!" Now when people offer help to me, I have had to realise that it works both ways. Thank you, Toni, for all the help you have given me with your book and all your well researched articles, and may you be showered with many blessings!

This piece is truly helpful to me, Toni. By coincidence, as I was reading it, my husband called and asked me to stop and purchase some gardening supplies on my way home. I didn't think, "Don't you know I have a cold?" or, "Why are you messing around in my garden?" I thought, "Of course I can," and I said, "Sure, I will be happy to." He is good at asking for some kinds of help, and his gracious way of doing it always makes me feel valuable. It occurs to me that I deny others this pleasure when I stubbornly reject their offers to help me. I will pay attention to this. I have always liked to think of myself as a strong helper, now I think I should let others be helpers, too.

I'm in an odd situation. Though I've lived in NYC my whole life, most of my friends are now out of state. Of the two friends I have living here, one is totally immobilized by the pain of fibromyalgia so cannot drop by to help. BUT she has been a terrific support emotionally for me.

The other person is someone I used to work with. She's a lovely person but has never volunteered help. I also know how overwhelmed she is by her job. She and I are not really much in touch but I do enjoy running into her when I do.

I'm lucky that I'm able to do many things on my own -- slowly and in segments. If not, I would apply for "official" help from Medicare. It's wonderful if we can give the gift of letting others help us. I know it feels so great to give.

I too am bashful to ask for help. Even though I know it is something that gives me pleasure when I help others.

Wonderful article.

making a list would come across as a bit rude to me if I offered help. I also wouldn't dare to give someone a list. If I offer to help someone I would ask them what they'd like me to do. I just think the list idea is a tad offside.

Dear Toni,
I love this post and find it an important contribution.I'm very glad it's climbed on the popularity list! I have never struggled with a chronic illness, but a dear friend succumbed to cancer a few years ago and while he was ill and receiving chemo, he pretty much did what you suggested: anyone who offered their help received something specific to do. I remember being in awe of this and making a mental note to myself that THIS is the way to handle being sick. It takes a real grown-up to ask for help in such a way while struggling with a debilitating illness.
And as a clinician, I never find more resistance in my clients than when I encourage them to ask for help. This kind of vulnerability seems too much for many.
Despite all this, I do feel that people could occasionally step it up a little and try to figure out the obvious things someone who is sick may need. Does someone bed-ridden really need to spell out all the time what they need help with? Just a thought.
Well done, Toni!Best,
Nadja Geipert aka Eye of the Storm

When I can get over my desire to do everything myself, I am comfortable with asking for help. I need to move past my own psychological barriers first, though. I am very stubborn and headstrong, and it's tough for me to admit that I can't do something. I think the ideas you have listed are excellent.