I was being terrorized not by the intrusive thoughts, but by the exasperating persistence of the OCD itself. Somehow, unbelievably, maddeningly—I had started obsessing about obsessing. Read More
I am where you are at. Or where. The frustrating part is it goes away and i experience what feels like remission for a long period of time, then I have a lapse and I go insane about getting back to good and have to do the therapy JUST RIGHT.
My current obsession is whether or not positive self talk and encouraging myself is making me feel better or worse because it keeps me focused on having OCD.
It's pretty ridiculous when loving yourself and sayihng nice things to yourself which we all need suddenly becomes "danger" and "possibly counterproductive." But you know what makes me feel worse? It's not saying nice things to myself, it's going online to find this article to desperately get a one size fits all answer.
Gonna let it be. I have the confidence within me and that's all that positive self statements are, rebuilding the trust in myself. And the next time I have doubt, instead of rushing online which is my true compulsion I am going to say "I can handle this crap." And go on.
Thank your for your writings! You're absolutely right. Trying to be completely free from OCD is self-defeating. ERP teaches you accept uncertainty - and that includes uncertainty about OCD itself.
ERP and therapy and medications when needed - they provide tools and they prevent you from going too low or being paralysed. But while OCD can no longer feast at the all-you-can-eat neuroses - it will feed off the morsels you inadvertently drop occasionally.
Also, for sure, there is a purely biological aspect to it ... where things flare up for sometimes no good reason. I've tried to find when my OCD has gotten worse - and there isn't a really good pattern. Sometimes I think it has to do with what we eat, how much we sleep, and real-life stresses or sometimes even the lack of stress (which can lead to more time to think - which isn't so great for OCD sufferers.)
Thanks for your blog!
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Fletcher Wortmann is the author of Triggered: A Memoir of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.