Traversing the Inner Terrain

The search for the Authentic Self.

Sex and Authenticity

Is there such a thing as Authentic Sex?

Yeah, those two words don’t really seem to go together do they?  I mean, sex is, well, sex, right?  And authenticity is like almost spiritual, yes?  Sex is one of the most important aspects of relationship. Right? I mean if it’s hot it’s hot. And if it’s not, it’s not. But authenticity—that’s like telling the truth and stuff, right?

Well, those things might be true if there weren’t really such a thing as authentic sex.  So, what the heck is that? Oh yeah, that’s when you don’t have to use protection, right?

Okay, let's get real. I wonder what the stats would look like if we could measure the number of times that performance is the primary issue of sex. Doing it right. Touching the right places, using the right techniques, making it hot for the other guy or gal. And if you can do that, then you are good at sex and you can hang that on your name tag along with:

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  • can type 70 words per minute,
  • computer literate,
  • sales experience,
  • makes friends easily.

Or, what would those stats say about the number of people who have sex with people they don’t even really want to have sex with, because they are too passive, or afraid of rejection, to say “no.” Indeed, how many times does a partner say “yes” to sex when s/he really wants to say “no.”

And these are just the most obvious examples of inauthentic sex. Less obvious are the multitudinous ways that the body and mind are shut off before, during and after sex. The number of ways in which we are not really in the room for sex. Ways in which we are not in our bodies for sex—or for anything else for that matter.

That’s all the bad news. The good news is that we can learn to be in the room, and in our bodies for sex—just as soon as we learn how to climb back into our own sensations, our own cellular awareness of life. But what does that mean?

Becoming authentic is much, much more than telling the truth or wearing the kind of clothes you want to wear or getting those tats you’ve always wanted. Becoming authentic is literally crawling down out of the upper rafters of all of the unoriginal thoughts that we’ve incorporated as if they were our own and into our bodies, into our emotions, into our lives. It means learning how to be present with every aspect of our being.

So when we are authentic, we are present for sex. We are really there in the emotions, in the sensations, in the nowness of the sexual act.

The popular theory is that when you fall in love there’s all this hot and heavy sex, and then after a while, short or long, depending on the couple, sex slowly becomes a boring duty to be performed on command and only for the sake of staying together. But when two people are authentic, the sex between them become richer, stronger, better than that had in the beginning when two fumbling bodies fell in love and into bed. The rich active connection between lovers who really want to know each other and be known by each other is potent, poignant and only grows over the years. Authenticity is the key to such depth and longevity. 

Andrea Mathews, L.P.C., is a Cognitive and Transpersonal Therapist, internet radio show host, and author of Restoring My Soul: A Workbook for Finding and Living the Authentic Self. more...

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