A few months ago, I released a wryly comedic video on YouTube called "Bad Questions to Ask a Transsexual: The Director's Cut", in which I played a smiling schoolteacher persona who outlined fourteen rude questions which people ask transsexual women with annoying regularity. Most any group could make a "Bad Questions" video, I'm sure. Fast food workers might be tired of a certain set of questions, as might people with mohawks, and so on. At over 1.1 million views between both versions of the video as of the writing of this article, it has generated quite a bit of feedback from the general internet population and actually revealed not only how much misunderstanding still exists toward people who cross gender boundaries, but how angry people get when a transsexual person refuses to be obsequious and take the disrespect.
The basic message of the short film was this: Don't ask rude questions of a transsexual person that you wouldn't ask of any other person, such as questions about their genitals within the first five minutes of meeting them. On paper, it sounds quite obvious to me, but again and again I got bewlidered responses from viewers who just couldn't understand why it was rude to ask these particular 14 questions.
"But I'm curious! I have questions! Deal with it!" and then, "How dare they tell me how I should treat them!" The resentment of thousands of people to this demand for basic human dignity belied their un-self-examined lack of consideration that transsexual people might have the same right to privacy as anyone else in the room. The underlying message I heard over and over again was something like, "Don't you realize how lucky you are that you're even in the room at all? You are a freak, and you will gratefully submit to our questions as payment for our tolerance."
You see, we understand that people have questions. Our journey is certainly an unusual one, often spanning the limits of the human ability to know one's self and express that knowledge in the face of near universal hostility. Indeed, it is that very hostility, unrelenting and heartbreaking and even at times murderous, that has forced me personally to find the strength to cast aside a scraping gratefulness at not being beaten to death or run out of the room amidst jeers. Even if others would be willing to try and take away my dignity to satisfy their curiosity, I am not willing to let go of it. And I will resent the attempt. Got questions? Google it. Or at least get to know me a little first, and run it past the "would I ask my sister-in-law this question?" test.
To be honest, I have questions, too. I might wonder, exactly how much does your girlfriend weigh? Is that a toupeé? Why did your mom get a divorce? Are those real? How much money do you make? But I don't ask. I smile, and chide myself for having shallow thoughts, and instead focus on amplifying the things that might make us friends. As a Southerner, I was actually brought up walking on eggshells lest I breach someone's privacy or hurt their feelings with something I said or did. I suppose that years of biting my tongue has left me even more resentful when others don't make at least a small effort on my behalf.
I know that not everyone is so dehumanizing, and that the internet's anonymity and young demographic skews things toward a less varnished expression of people's opinions. But the thousands of responses (out of a total of 12,000) peaked my interest with the particularly vitriolic rage and meanness.
When so many people honestly just don't get that asking questions about my body at a party is rude, or that whispering "she's a man!" to strangers at a club could put me at risk of being beaten or murdered (almost one transsexual person is murdered a month in the US), I am reminded of the apocryphal Marie-Antionette quote "Let them eat cake." The story goes that during the time of poverty and unrest preceding the Revolution in France, she was told that the people did not have bread to eat. She replied, "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche." They're out of bread? Why is this a problem? Let them eat cake! Most people nowadays seem to think that this quote was simply an indication that Marie-Antoinette (the Paris Hilton of 18th Century France) was a b****. Actually, it is an incredible illustration of someone completely out of touch with the situation on which they are commenting. In Marie-Antionette's world, if there was no bread handy, there was certainly some cake nearby. She just couldn't understand what the big deal was.
Her casual dismissal of a situation that the people themselves considered vitally important inspired them to treat her rather unkindly when the time came that they had the upper hand.
Outside of my complaining, the takeaway concept here is that there is a shift in the way that people who refuse to adhere to boundaries of gender and sex see themselves. From the subjects of cynical pseudo-science like "sexology", to the victims of quack treatments like "reparative therapy", to the endless media depictions as sexual fetishes and monsters, to a new moment where we shed the decades of society's projected fear and fascination to reveal our simple humanity. We should no longer just be grateful that people aren't chasing us out of town with torches and pitchforks. If we hold our heads high and join society as contributing members, we deserve the same dignity and kindness as everyone else. As soon as our critics admit that most every rationalized detraction stems from a gut feeling of fear or disgust, a step of progress can be made.
I know, I know... another minority group complaining about something! Trust me, it gets boring to me, too. Fortunately, I have a close circle of good friends who love me for who I am. I am able to keep "transsexuality" fairly low profile in my daily life outside of the blogosphere and my media work. But when it does come up, I don't care any more if people don't agree with my transition. At least, not in a direct interpersonal sense. I will continue to fight for the larger issues by educating and expressing myself, but if one person in the room experiences a moment of discomfort stemming from my existence... Well, after a lifetime of dealing with their bullying, namecalling and lack of effort toward understanding me in a way that respects my humanity, all I can say is, "That sounds like a YP (Your Problem), not an MP (My Problem)." Then we'll see what they're made of. Can they maintain their humanity and decency in the face of something that flies against everything they believe? That is their test to fail or pass. I've already walked through the fire and I am who I am. Let me eat cake, indeed.
