Put that iPhone down. I’m talking to you!

You're in a conversation with someone and your mind drifts away. In your head you begin planning your next meeting and then, you realize you're hungry and an image of a big sandwich appears... Suddenly, you are jolted back to the conversation when the speaker asks you a question. You realize that you have no idea what the question was. It's an awkward moment from which you try gracefully to recover.

It's understandable how this can happen. The brain is capable of comprehending speech at 4 to 5 times the rate at which most people speak, so we sometimes use that extra brainpower to multitask.

Today's fast-paced, high-tech world provides ample obstacles to listening. A historically recent roadblock to listening is what my colleague, M.E. Hart, calls the ADD (Attention Distraction Device). ADDs can include TVs, blackberries, iPods, computers, and other technologies that allow us to email, text, chat, and IM, to increase our productivity and keep us connected. Now, I'm not here to bash these instruments of information. I love them and I'm the first in line at the Apple Store, when they release a cool one. These are fantastic inventions and save us a lot of time, but they can distract us from being good conversationalists. Many parents have had the experience of being at the dinner table trying to have a conversation with a texting teen.

In her article, "The Myth of Multitasking," published in The New Atlantis, Christine Rosen summarizes research that shows that our brains are not capable of multitasking higher level tasks while texting and conversing or while driving and simultaneously talking on a cell phone. Performance and memory are significantly reduced when someone is multitasking.

ADDs can prevent effective conversations in the workplace, where people are constantly checking their blackberries or iphones and conversing simultaneously. Many workplace norms have evolved over the last several years to not only tolerate this, but to encourage it. Other roadblocks to listening include stress, over-scheduling, and our own assumptions about the speaker.

Many of us are selectively good listeners. There are some people in our lives that we listen to more actively than others. Think about the people below and how well you generally listen to each one.

• Significant other
• Boss
• Co-worker
• Customer
• Father
• Mother
• Son or daughter
• Friend
• Sibling

When you stop to think about it, you probably listen to some of those people better than others. That's only natural. The important thing is to be aware of who you do, or do not, actively listen to, and the impacts on your relationships. If you need to improve your relationship with one of those people, be a better listener with them.

To listen effectively, we need to attend to at least two levels of the conversation;

• the information level, and
• the emotional level.

The information level is the "transcript" of the conversation - the words and the information - being communicated. The emotional level of the conversation is what is being communicated primarily on the non-verbal level, through facial expressions, body posture, gestures and voice tone. These give us cues about how the person feels about what they are saying. To be truly effective listeners, we must be able to understand and respond to both levels.

Here are some guidelines for being a better ACTIVE listener.

Attend to the person

• Assume a posture of involvement. This involves inclining your body toward the speaker, maintaining an open body position, and positioning yourself an appropriate distance from the speaker
• Use appropriate body motion by occasionally nodding your head, using facial expressions to reflect emotions back to the speaker, adjusting your body position in non-distracting ways, etc.
• Use eye contact that is sustained, direct, and reflective. This varies by culture so be aware of this.

Consider the nonverbal behavior

• Pay attention to what isn't said. Watch facial expressions, gestures, posture, and other nonverbal cues.
• Respond with verbal and nonverbal feedback that let the speaker know that you are listening and understanding.
• Use "Encouragers." These are brief indicators to the other person that you're with them, for example, "mmhmm," "Oh?" "I see," "Right," "I understand," "Really?" "Go on," "Sure," etc.
• Use attentive silence. Most listeners talk too much. Learn the value of using silence.

Test your hypotheses and assumptions

• Be careful not to mind read the intentions of the speaker or make assumptions about what they are saying. Keep an open mind. When we judge people, it distorts our ability to really hear their message. We often spend more time applying labels to people than listening to their message.

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Inquire about the emotional level

• When you sense the speaker is experiencing a strong emotion that needs to be acknowledged without judgment, point that out, for example; "It sounds like you are angry with your group members."

Value the person's self-esteem needs

• Sense the purpose in others. Understand what the person values and dreams about. Let the person know that you appreciate them, especially when the conversation is difficult.

Echo the message back to the person

• Use paraphrasing to check your understanding. Re-state what you believe to be the essence of a speaker's comments, for example; "So, you're suggesting that we change the meeting date?"

You might want to practice active listening with someone that is more difficult for you to listen to and notice the impact...and, resist the temptation to reply to the vibrating ADD in your pocket while you have the conversation.