Question for the day, the week, the month, the year, the decade, a lifetime -
Here it is:
Do you know what it takes to keep a relationship working successfully?
It is true that with all couples, partners play various roles for one another. And so, we can ask the question as to whether there are an infinite number of roles (or ways) that partners can react to one another, or whether there are only a few ways, or a few basic roles that partners utilize when relating to one another?
The answer is quite interesting because in any primary relationship such as a marriage, there are - are you ready for this? - basically only 5 roles that each partner in a relationship uses in the interaction with the other partner. Only five!
These are the five roles that spouses play, or could display for one another.
1. Spouse - A role characterized by spousal duties -
"You wash, I'll dry; you market, I'll cook."
2. Friend - A role characterized by sharing feelings,being companionable, and trusting yourspouse with important information.
3. Lover - A role characterized by the ability to beaffectionate, as well as sexual, as an importantpart of the relationship.
4. Parent - A role characterized by being the good
parent; that is, being supportive, giving, and
understanding, without expecting anything in return.
5. Child - A role characterized by a partner behaving with
temper tantrums or acting impulsively or provocatively.
Now, when one of these roles disappears from the relationship, then the relationship can find itself in dire straits - even heading for the drain - finished.
Can you guess which it is?
It's the role of the parent - the good parent. Without the appearance of the good parent role that at least from time to time one partner displays for the other, the room in the house that is likely to close down, is: Yes, the bedroom. The question is: Why? And the answer is simply that love is not enough; every person needs to feel understood. And therefore, since each partner needs to feel understood then the appearance of the good parent role in the other partner will save the day by offering such understanding, also composed of attentive listening, and actual hearing. Under such a condition, all the doors to all the rooms of the house remain open.
Please remember, the good parent does not rush in to solve problems. Instead, this good parent is supportive, empathetic, and patient, and tries almost always to reflect the other's feelings rather than solve the problem. So comments like: "That must have been difficult for you," or: "That must have been frightening," are reflective, and help the partner feel understood. Problem solving as in saying: "Do it this way or that way," or, "The thing to do is.....," is most definitely not the thing to say.
The good parent is a also forgiving soul - not always trying to make the partner wrong.
The main point is that the good parent role needs much more ‘air-time' than it usually gets because partners or spouses frequently descend into a battle of who's right and who's wrong, and end up with periodic childish spats. And that happens because neither partner feels understood. And neither partner feels understood because neither, hardly ever, or even, ever, played the good parent role for the other.
Henryism: The key to deepening the love, is from time to time, to remember to be the good parent.
from the book: Love Is Not Enough: What It Takes To Make It Work
http://www.greenwood.com/catalog/A2044C.aspx
The Dictionary Corner
Hypokinesis - Slowed movements usually seen in depressed individuals
Malapropism - Mistakenly sounded words because of similarity of sound to another word.
Oceanic feeling - The sense of being at one with the universe. Can be seen as reflecting omnipotent feelings or even megalomania, and is associated also with delusions of grandeur.
from the book: Dictionary of Psychoanalysis
http://cup.columbia.edu/book/978-0-231-14650-0/dictionary-of-psyc...
