Think Confident, Be Confident

Don't Let Anyone Ruin Your Night

Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. and Marci Fox, Ph.D. — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:42:38 +0000

Do you ever say to yourself or hear others say, "He made me feel bad or he ruined my night"? If the answer is yes, then you are suffering needlessly from letting others dictate how you think, feel, and behave. The key is to take control of these areas and the best way to do that is to put yourself in charge of thinking about your thinking. You need to start saying to yourself "What specifically is going through my mind right at this moment?" The catch is to pay attention to when your mood starts to take a downward turn in the direction of sadness, anxiety, fear, frustration, or irritability. If you tend to be the type of person who is more aware of your body responses, then you can also try paying attention to your thoughts rather than directly to your body cues. This is based on one of the main cognitive therapy principles, which is: your interpretation of situations directly impacts how you feel, your body responses, and the action you take.

Let's now take that lesson and apply it to a specific situation. Imagine you go to a party with your significant other. Upon returning from the restroom, you walk up to your significant other who seems engrossed in a conversation with people you don't know. You stand there quietly and wait to be introduced. He doesn't do it. At that moment you start to notice your heart beating a little faster, the muscles in your back starting to tighten, and sadness is setting in as you slowly sip your drink and scan the room for an exit strategy. Lots of thoughts are going through your mind like: "He's so rude", "I don't matter", and "I'm not important." Your button's been pushed and the theme in all these thoughts is tied directly to your doubt of being desirable.

Don't just let your button get pushed without checking it out. You have options and multiple strategies for doing this. The first thing you can do is examine your thoughts by asking yourself what facts, not feelings or interpretations, you have to support or throw out those thoughts. Remember life has no place for assumptions. Second, ask yourself what some other possibilities might be aside from those thoughts. For example, your significant other always has a hard time remembering names or he didn't know their names or he was waiting for a good time to introduce you to the group without interrupting anyone. Third, think about what you would tell a friend if she was going through this exact situation in order to help you gain some objectivity. Fourth, recognize that you can take action and feel free to introduce yourself or join in on the conversation. Fifth, make a pledge to yourself that you are in charge of your thoughts, moods, body responses, and actions rather than letting others regulate them. Last, stamp out self-doubt by knowing your triggers, in this case a social situation, and not letting the inaccurate doubt cripple you from recognizing all the wonderful qualities you bring to each situation.

The "I MATTER" Motto

Marci Fox, Ph.D. and Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:29:19 +0000

Are you able to say, "I matter"? Try it. If you find yourself barraged with negative thoughts, then it's time to take action to take better care of you. In our fast paced, filled to the brim world we all embody multiple identities and numerous responsibilities. Now couple that with the pressures of stress and daily life tasks, and it's easy to see how we forget to take care of ourselves. That's why it's so important to recognize that you need to make yourself a priority. Here are ten tips to help you put "I matter" into action:

• Create a realistic schedule for yourself. It's difficult to wake up in the morning faced with only what you have to do or need to do. Add in something that you have to look forward to each day. Make sure you create a reasonable obtainable schedule.

• Plan in time to make yourself the #1 priority. Give yourself permission to have "me" time. Ask yourself, "What would I like to do or what would make me feel good?" Plan in pleasant activities on a daily basis. This will help to increase your motivation and improve your mood. This could be anything from sitting quietly for 10 minutes, listening to music, walking in your favorite park, taking a bath, enjoying a cup of tea, or leafing through your favorite magazines.

• Plan in an activity that gives you a sense of achievement. Try tackling something new that you've thought about doing but were hesitant to try. Replace "I don't have the time" or "I won't be able to do it" with "It's important to schedule in me time to grow and stretch myself" and "I'll try."

• Exercise. Schedule in time to exercise several times a week. Not only is it good for the head, but it's healthy for the body. It's also something that you can directly do for you.

• Be your own cheerleader. Try talking to yourself the same way you would to a family member or friend. Remember to be as objective and kind to yourself as you are to others.

• Don't wait for others to just somehow know or be aware that you need/deserve a break. Plan in downtime for yourself rather than waiting for someone to offer to take over or help out. Everyone is entitled downtime each and every day. This will also cut down on anger and frustration with others.

• Don't be afraid to delegate or ask for help. This shows that you are a good manager of your time. It shows that you want to be part of a team and not take care of everything on your own.

• Set realistic goals. It's good to set goals for yourself at home and at work as long as you break them down into smaller pieces that you can give yourself credit for along the way. If you think of your overall goal as getting to the top of the ladder, then you can give yourself credit for each rung you climb to.

• Keep a daily credit list. Try writing down at least 5 things that you can give yourself credit for on a daily basis. This will help more clearly see the assets that you bring to the table.

• Don't let doubt get in your way. Recognize that you are your greatest resource. By knowing you matter, you also build your confidence because you recognize that you are competent and desirable.

Getting in Shape in Five Painless Steps

Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. and Marci Fox, Ph.D. — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:05:00 +0000

You want to get in shape but your buts, oh wells, maybe tomorrows and permission-giving avoidance thoughts keep getting in the way. You truly believe you want to walk a healthier path, but your body just isn't cooperating. The good news is: one, you are not alone and two, you can get your brain on board and get your body to cooperate. Follow the five steps below and you will be on your way.

Step 1: Set a Goal

Ask yourself where you want to start and define your goal. For example, start exercising, eat healthier, or drink less alcohol. It is impossible to tackle every change you want to make at once. Pick the one that is most obtainable. This means you can logistically make it happen, you can economically afford it, and you won't have to turn your life upside down to do the work.
Example: Start exercising on a regular basis. Schedule a range in terms of what regular means so you move away from being all or nothing. For example, exercise 2 to 4 times per week for 25 to 45 minutes.

Step 2: Have a Rationale

What are the reasons why you want to work on this goal? List them out on paper so every time you take action that moves you further away from your goal you can remind yourself of why this is important to you. Make sure you see advantages to participating in your goal and those advantages are personal. Long-term changes don't work if you are really making the change for someone else. Permanent changes are more likely to happen when you are personally invested in them. Be careful not to set a very short-term goal, like fitting into a dress for a special occasion, as that will only keep you on track for a very short period of time and place increased pressure on you. A goal with only one finish line, such as eating healthy until the party or function only help you get on track until that event. This kind of goal setting will make you more likely to fall back into your old habits and lose sight of your goal. A long list of reasons to continue working on your goal will maximize lifelong changes.

Example: I want to exercise regularly because:
1. I want to live a long healthy life
2. I like doing physical activities such as hiking, tennis, skiing, and biking and being fit is essential to that end.
3. Being fit means I minimize injury.
4. Being fit strengthens the bones and means less vulnerability to fractures later in life.
5. Exercise actually makes me feel good and when I am done I always have more energy and a better mood.
6. I like dressing in the hip new styles and being fit makes it easier to buy and wear the clothing I like.
7. It physically feels more comfortable to carry a fit body around. It is easier to run up a flight a stairs, tie my shoes, and have the stamina to participate in my hectic life.
8. Exercise is an important part of my weight management.
9. I want to be a good role model for my children so they will participate in an active life into their future.
10. Exercise is a great way to bond with my husband because we get to exercise together and it's even more fun when the whole family is on board.

Step 3: Make a Plan

A plan means you have spelled out all the details of how you are going to make this happen. It is the where, when, how, and exactly what. Be creative and flexible in making your plans. Think about the goal of exercising and ask yourself some questions so you can maximize success. Are you more likely to make it happen if you do it with someone else? Do you need to be in a gym? Do you have the means to hire a personal trainer to come to your house or work with you in your gym? Do you have equipment in your home or do you need to purchase a few items? Do you have access to your children's school gym? Is there a YMCA within easy access and an affordable gym? Do you have a way to participate in an athletic activity or be active in addition to working out?
The key is to think your plan through and come up with a detailed, specific plan. Keep in mind that making it happen means putting it on the schedule. "I'll do it next week," is never going to happen, but "I'll do it Tuesday morning at 7:30 am," is much more likely to take place. Often our best made plans are interrupted. Sometimes real logistical obstacles get in the way, but usually the only obstacle is us. Regardless of which one played a role, keep rescheduling your goal to happen and eventually it will.

Example: A plan to exercise:
1. Find out the name of personal trainer today.
2. Call the trainer tomorrow.
3. Meet with the trainer the very next day.
4. Schedule ten pre paid sessions on your calendar at your home or in the gym. (Monday 7:30 am, Thursday, 8:00 am, Sunday 9:00 am)
5. Put in your scheduler time to do the homework the trainer has suggested. (Tuesday, 8:00 pm, Saturday, 8:00 am)

Step 4: Put Action before Motivation

Accept you are not going to feel like doing it. You have set this goal because you have not been doing what you want to make happen. You have not felt like it in all this time and you are not suddenly going to feel like it tomorrow. You will be waiting indefinitely if you wait until you feel it. Instead, put action before motivation and just start doing it. The reality is you don't need to feel like it to makes things happen as you just need to do it.
Example: When you don't feel like exercising, walk into the gym, step on the treadmill, and start walking. Write out a card that says, "No excuses accepted. I've made this appointment and I'm keeping this appointment."
Step 5: Look out for Give-Up Thinking and replace it with Go Thinking
Give-up thinking are those thoughts that are giving you permission to avoid your goal. They provide the temptation to lead you astray and take you off track. Give-up thoughts tell us, "I'll do it later, I'll start tomorrow or next week or Monday, I'm too tired, it's been such a tough week, I can't possibly do anymore, or it's just unreasonable to do this, too." All of these thoughts are just that, thoughts. Just because you think it does make it true. Take a look at each of these thoughts and capture the illogic. See the untruth in each thought and replace each thought with a logical, fact driven go thought.

Example: Go to thoughts to exercise
1. I'll do it later- This is the con man talking. If I don't do it now I most certainly won't do it later.
2. I'll start tomorrow or next week or Monday- Tomorrow will become the next day and they day after that so get moving and start today. Telling me I will start Monday is like telling myself I will start next year. You have made a plan so get to it.
3. I'm too tired- I am tired but so what. Just because I am tired does not mean I cannot get moving. In fact, exercising is likely to give me more energy not less. Remember I am not going to feel like but that does not mean I can't do it.
4. It's been such a tough week, I can't possibly do any more- It has been a tough week and that is why I need to take care of me. Exercising is likely to make the impact of this tough week less.
5. It's just too unreasonable to do this- What an untruth. It is completely realistic to fit some time in to exercise. I just need to schedule it in and make it happen.

Now, all you need to do is follow this five step plan and you are on your way. Make yourself an action plan and follow it until you've incorporated each new modification you'd like to make. You've already learned that just by starting you feel better about yourself, you are able see progress, and you can use this information to increase your motivation to move to the next step in your goal. If exercise was your first step then think about adding the next step. The next step could be eating healthier, prepared portion control, or drinking less alcohol. Envision your goal as a ladder and each rung gets you closer to the top. Remember to give yourself credit with every step you make in the right direction.

To Be or Not To Be Confident in Your Older Adolescent

Marci Fox, Ph.D. and Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:16:01 +0000

Older teenagers can be a significant source of stress in many parents' lives. Some of this stress is warranted but a majority of this distress is self-imposed. Valid stress is when your child is behaving in ways that put him in danger or in harm's way. Realistic concern for your child in this situation is justified and appropriate action on your part is needed. But, much of our stress as parents comes from our own doubt. Doubt that our children are able to be responsible for themselves and what they need to take care of on a daily basis when in fact data exists that says that they are responsible. Acknowledging your older child's ability to make good decisions, follow through with tasks, and manage their time grows your confidence in them as well as their confidence in themselves.

When is it time to put doubt aside and believe in your older child? Unfortunately, there is no perfect time. Confidence in them is an evolutionary process that grows with evidence that they are ready to be independent. Their growth is not likely to be a linear path, so be careful not to let a minor setback deter you from believing in them. Loosen the leash and keep track of the results. The only way to know to what extent they are responsible is to see the data first hand.

Tips to let you know that your older children are ready to be independent:
1. You see them taking care of chores before they are asked.
2. You hear them declining an invitation because of work they need to take care of.
3. You see them toiling away on their school work without any prompting on your part.
4. They tell you what they have accomplished and it is well before the deadline.
5. They openly tell you their plans and answer your questions.
6. They don't minimize or hide what is on the computer screen when you walk in the room.
7. They appropriately ask for help when they need it.
8. You see no evidence of inappropriate intoxication.
9. They answer their phone when you call or respond to your texts or emails.
10. You hear or are told first hand of instances of good judgment such as leaving a potentially troublesome party or driving a drunken friend home.
11. Others tell you positive things about them and you hear praise for their kindness or accomplishments.

The above tips are not an exhaustive list but give a clear idea of what you can look for in growing your confidence in your child. Remember, no one is perfect nor is your child. Look at the big picture and let your older child show you how mature they have become. Confidence, on both parts, grows as a result of encouraging your child to take action independently and to be there to offer guidance, encouragement, help, or a comfortable place to sort through options, problem-solve, and plan.

Seven Simple Strategies to Effectively Attracting Others

Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. and Marci Fox, Ph.D. — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:08:41 +0000

The secret to attracting others is self-confidence and it starts by believing in you. Whether you are looking for romance or friendship doubt can divert you away from your goals. Doubt unfairly tells you negative messages that are untrue. Doubt yells, "People won't like you, rejection is inevitable, you have nothing valuable to offer, or basically you just don't have it." Instead of listening to the bogus voice of doubt, turn your attention to the facts.

It's important to recognize that you have a lot to offer the world. Everyone has qualities that make them desirable to others. Think of yourself as a package filled with lots of characteristics and qualities. You bring to each social or professional situation a uniquely complex combination of: skills, smarts, problem-solving abilities, humor, expertise, likability, niceness, attractiveness, decency, and repartee. The key is to recognize that you have these skills and that they don't just disappear when doubt shows up. Below are seven tips for attracting others to you.

Seven Tips for Attracting Others to You

1. Update your commodity list-- look at yourself as a whole package rather than the specific parts you don't like or you think are missing.
You are a composite of many characteristics including your physical assets, personality, interests, experiences, intellect, and skills, to name a few.
Sit down and actually make of list of all your desirable qualities. Come up with at least fifteen.

2. Consider that what you think is a short-coming may actually be an asset. You may wish you were taller, but the future love of your life might prefer shorter people. You may dislike that you are so easily moved to tears but others may appreciate your sensitivity. Just because you are down on yourself does not mean others are?

3. Pay attention to your list of desirable qualities by looking at your list often. Add to it whenever you can.

4. Inner confidence shows on the outside. Believing you are desirable and capable shows and people are attracted to it.

5. Remember we all have something to offer. We offer others: companionship, conversation, an ear, knowledge, attention, nurturance, information, love, advice, opinions, support, and a multitude of other things.

6. Update your opinion of yourself based on facts and not your feelings of self-doubt. Make a list of all the compliments you have recently received.

7. Let people see the real you. No one is perfect. Be real and you can relax and have a good time.
The Bottom Line

If you like hanging out with you then others will like being with you, too. Everyone has something to offer others and the only thing getting in your way of accepting that truth is fictional doubt.

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. and Marci Fox, Ph.D. — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:51:12 +0000

An elderly woman unfamiliar with Starbucks and her moderately mentally impaired son wait in line at Starbucks. The son starts barreling his mother with questions. Both are overwhelmed with the abundance of choices and appear baffled. The coffee barrista is inundated making drinks and the cashier can barely keep up with the traffic. I offer to help and provide a lengthy discussion of the options. Without experience, ordering from Starbucks is like trying to communicate in a foreign language: tall means small, grande means medium, and vente means large.

Once I have explained all the options and their selections are decided, I place the order for them. The impaired gentleman sips his grande caramel Frappachino and munches his chocolate chip cookie with glee and turns to me and says, "Thank you so much, you are the nicest lady I have ever met." His mother also bestows an emphatic thank you and I leave with a giant smile on my face.

Who gained the most in this transaction? Although it is true that the individuals asking for help gained the information they sought and the satisfaction with their purchase, the greater gain was on the part of the giver. I as the giver gained the most. A rush of positive feelings enveloped me and new energy found its way into my steps. I gained the satisfaction of knowing I helped someone which gave me the opportunity to feel good about myself. I would have liked to thank them for their gift of allowing me the chance to help.

Think back to the times you may have helped out another person. How did it make you feel? What did you gain? We often lose site of the big picture when we get caught up in our own microscopic views of things. When it comes to asking for help, we can get in our own way. Instead of seeing that we are giving others an opportunity to feel good about themselves, we think incorrectly that asking for help means we are a burden.

We also get in our own way when we make asking for help mean something about us when it doesn't. We may think asking for help means we are weak, inadequate, less desirable, helpless, inferior, or any other derogatory label that comes to mind. The reality is that asking for help does not indicate anything about us; it simply means we need help in a specific situation at a specific time. It is not a reflection of our character, intelligence, competence, or desirability. It is actually a sign of strength and wisdom to seek out help when you need it. Next time you need help have the confidence to ask for it knowing that it can truly benefit you both. Everybody gains! Keep in mind the giver is gaining a boost to their confidence knowing they are a good person and the good feelings that come from that and the recipient gets the help they need.

When to Stop, Yield, or Go in Friendship

Marci Fox, Ph.D. and Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:10:57 +0000

Confidence can come from all the different areas of your life, friendship included. That's why it's so important to routinely take an inventory of your friendships to make sure that each one is a healthy part of your life. So imagine yourself being at a traffic light. Now you need to ask yourself, "Does this friendship need to stop, do I need to yield and gather more information about our friendship, or am I good to go with it?"

Friendships can be a wonderful resource. They can provide us with emotional, psychological, physical, and even financial support. They can put a smile on our face, provide a place for our tears to fall, or offer an antidote to loneliness. On the other hand, friendships can sometimes be an unhealthy burden, a lure to trouble, or a culprit in your lack of confidence.

Let's start with the friendship that may be negatively contributing to your confidence and may in fact be adding to your self-doubt. So what should you look for:

Top 5 List For When it may make Sense to Question a Friendship

1. Drama- If there are constant ups and downs in the relationship. Hint: Things are going great or not well rather than smooth and steady.
2. Finger Pointing- If your friend keeps telling you how you could be a better friend and never takes responsibility for her or his end of the relationship. Remember: There are two people who are equally responsible for the relationship. Are all your friends telling you how to be a better friend or do you just fall short according to this friend's expectations?
3. Exhaustion- Your friend expects and assumes that you will always be the one to go out of your way to make yourself available to her and its not reciprocated. Tip: Friendships are about equal give and take over time and not hoping or wishing or waiting for someone to change.
4. Exclusivity- Your friend bad mouths your other friends and often puts you in a position to have to chose this relationship over another. Hint: Do people warn you about this relationship or does this person seem to go through a lot of friends?
5. Doubt- You find yourself questioning whether you want to call this person or make plans with them. Tip: Ask yourself what you would genuinely like to do not what you think you should do.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? If you've answered Yes to some of these, then it makes sense to take some time to examine your relationship.

Think about your relationships that involve no drama, finger pointing, exhaustion, exclusivity, or doubt. Clearly, those are the relationships worth your energy to nurture. When one of the top five issues arises, it's time to decide if that minus is outweighed by the pluses of the relationship or if that minus overwhelms any pluses. Without pluses to compensate for the short-comings it might be time to put your energy into nurturing healthier relationships.

Friendships worth going towards are worth the effort. Communication will help make them better. Express your feelings and needs and problem solve when necessary. Delay action if more information is needed. Time will provide you the data to choose the wise path. If a relationship is in the yield zone, put the energy into improving it. Let your friend know what they are doing that bothers you and what they can do to make it better. Give them a chance. If change does not come, have the courage to stop and put your efforts where the yield is healthier.

Is Too Much Enthusiasm A Bad Thing?

Marci Fox, Ph.D. and Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:27:58 +0000

Imagine having faced a situation that elicited an abundance of enthusiasm. Being single for a long time and finally meeting someone who you could imagine spending every second with. Imagine finding a job that is everything you have been looking for plus a big paycheck. You are excited and want to jump into these situations without any brakes. Is that a good idea? The answer is yes!

Embracing a new opportunity with every ounce of enthusiasm you have can have many advantages. One, it presents an opportunity for pleasure allowing natural endorphins to provide you with a healthy buzz. Two, it promotes optimism which is the best antidote to almost everything. Third, it helps you live in the moment so you are able to appreciate and fully participate in the present. Fourth, it provides you an opportunity to savor your good fortune so that in less fortunate times you can recall this great moment. For all of these reasons, learn to embrace your good fortune, face it with enthusiasm, and give it all that you've got!

Is there a down side? A patient told me that he feared that if he was "Too Gung Ho" then disappointment may result. The reality is that any situation may not turn out to be what you had hoped for. You may be disappointed, but is the upset any less if you were less enthusiastic? Disappointment is disappointment regardless of how intense; it is still an unpleasant feeling. Remember we have all faced disappointment and although we wish we could avoid it, we can't. But, disappointment is nothing to fear. It is a short-term unpleasant emotion that will fade with time. Don't let that fear get in your way of grasping the positive opportunities that present themselves. Embrace the good fortune you have, store the memory, relive it, and know whatever happens nothing can take away that experience. For that, is a necessary building block to sustainable confidence.

Don't Let Self-Doubt Get In Your Way

Marci Fox, Ph.D. and Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:19:14 +0000

Self-doubt can cause you to get in your own way. Doubt can lead you to get defensive, take command of the conversation rather than making it reciprocal, or cause you to appear overly confident through over self-promotion as you start listing out all the wonderful things that you have been up to. Doubt can also steer you to make an excuse to leave or slowly shrink to the sides of the room. In addition, doubt can lead you to freeze up right in the conversation as you get bogged down with the running commentary of negative thoughts, second-guessing, and self-criticism.

How do other people view that kind of behavior? In the first situation, people may view you as aggressive, cocky, narcissistic, or overly confident. Above all, definitely not the type of person they may want to get to know better. In the next two situations, others may interpret your behavior as being disinterested, disingenuous, bored, or perhaps looking for someone better to spend time with. Doubt is the enemy of effectiveness with others. The people around you don’t recognize that you are fighting off that nasty name you call yourself, like: not good enough, not smart enough, boring, unattractive, and unlikeable, to name a few. Instead people draw their own conclusions based on their own perceptions of their experiences with you. Doubt doesn’t let others see you in your most favorable or realistic light and leads to you being misunderstood.

So how do we break the cycle of being misunderstood by others? First, think about your last social interaction. Specifically, think of a time when you let doubt direct your behavior causing you to boast, retreat, or avoid. Now ask yourself: “If a friend was in this exact situation and was acting this way, what would I think of that person?” Next, ask yourself what is the real message you want people to receive? Think of ways you can modify your behavior to give that message. Third, act in a situation the way you would like to be treated by someone else. Fourth, take a genuine interest in the person you are with and ask specific questions about them or the topic of conversation. Fifth, share information about yourself only as it’s relevant to the conversation. Bragging is not cool. Sixth, don’t leave. Recognize that we all have something valuable to share. Last, try your best to shake off the nerves. You can do this by knowing nervousness disappears the longer we stay in an uncomfortable situation. Stop focusing on your discomfort and participate in the conversation. Also, recognize that you must be worth it since there is someone spending the time to talk with you. Get out there and have the courage to show the world the message you want them to receive.

The Key to Confidence

Marci Fox, Ph.D. and Leslie Sokol, Ph.D. — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 14:24:48 +0000

Confidence is our greatest personal resource. With it, we can face any situation knowing we can handle it. Without it, we are destined to suffer. Without confidence any situation has the potential to be a threat. Think about having to do anything from the smallest task to the most complex job without confidence. You question your ability and stress constantly. Fearing you will not be able to handle it, you may actually sabotage your ability to get it done. Instead of facing the task, you retreat, avoid, or procrastinate. Maybe you confront the task, but without believing in yourself you over-think it, over-do-it, or tremble through the process all the while doubting yourself.

Without confidence, your social life also has a poor prognosis. Imagine walking into any social situation without confidence. You question your desirability and shrink into the background or stand silently in the group. This guarantees social isolation and reinforces you with more information to doubt yourself. You also second guess all those reactions from others, like missed invitations, phone-calls, e-mails, and conclude no one likes you or wants to include you. Once again, lacking confidence, suffering appears.

Confidence is essential to making it in life. It enables us to reach for our goals, try new things, and stand independently. It protects us from stress and equips us to face life's challenges. Confidence comes from believing in yourself. It comes from recognizing that you are your greatest resource!

Believing means you unconditionally accept that you are both capable and desirable. Acknowledging you are capable means you are good enough, competent, and able to handle life's situations. Admitting you are capable also means knowing that if you cannot handle a situation completely on your own; you know or can find out where to get the necessary help, information, or skill. Acknowledging you are desirable means you understand you are an attractive, likable, decent person. It means you accept this regardless of anyone's contrary opinion.

Knowing you are your greatest resource protects you from stress. Believing you are capable and desirable, you are now free to face life's stresses calm and confident. It means whatever the task, no matter how overwhelming, large or small, you will handle it and whatever the social situation, no matter how positive, negative or neutral, you will know nothing can negate that you are a desirable person. Now believing in you, you can face life with complete assurance. That is the self-confidence we seek to achieve.