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When I was a young woman and people used to talk about a year for mourning the loss of a loved one, I thought that sounded like an incredibly long time. A whole year! That seemed so long to experience grief and sadness.
When my father passed away some years ago, however, I began to understand. It is not that I spent that entire year focusing on grieving. My oldest was a small child at the time and certainly taking care of a toddler is a great way to get outside of your own head. However, a year is an important time period for understanding grieving.
The biggest thing, in my own experience and from watching loved ones, is getting through the first holidays after someone's passing. It doesn't really matter whether they passed in February or November. The first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first Rosh Hashanah or Ramadan—it takes some readjustment to celebrate these days without your loved one present. The first birthday and the 1st anniversary of their death are also days that usually turn one's thoughts to that person.
Help During the Grief Process
However, I have often found that the first holidays are not uniformly sad experiences. These occasions can also create some space to share memories of the person and re-live favorite pastimes. These days can create a break from our usual routine from the busyness of everyday life and allow for some space. Your loved ones would probably want you to find a way to observe traditions even without them present. Finding a way to observe traditions and maintain routines is one of the best ways to cope with grief, according to research. If you recently lost one, it has been not only my own experience but that of everyone I know that the second year is easier.
Starting a memory journal—or really more of a memory "listicle"—probably helped me more than anything in the days and weeks following my father's passing. I was worried about my memories of my father slipping away. I have heard it said that you do not really die until the last person utters your name for the last time. I did not want to lose my father's memory. The first couple of weeks I added to the list a lot. Just a few short words or sentences most of the time. Silly things, a lot of them, like the time we stood in line for 2 hours to see Star Wars when it first came out. (It was so unlike my dad to be that interested in a movie!) A few of them were more painful memories, but I wrote them down, too.
Soon the list became a source of comfort for me. Something would come to mind and I would think "that's already on the list." I still added to it occasionally for several months afterward, but less and less as the weeks passed. I looked at it today for the first time in a long time, although I still think of it occasionally, and it still comforts me to know I have those memories written down.
These days, a lot of people use Facebook in a similar way. They post photos of themselves with their loved ones and reminisce about stories. These also seem to be healing steps for many. I doubt that is what Mark Zuckerburg had in mind when he launched Facebook, but that forum has, unintentionally perhaps, become a popular way to make space for grieving and to help overcome the distances that separate so many people from their friends and family.
Some people find it comforting to take the lead to making the arrangements and sorting through someone's affairs. Many people find strength in their commitment to other loved ones, especially children, and find it personally beneficial to help others maintain their routine. Some people find it most comforting to get to back to work or whatever their daily routine is. The wonderfulness of a steady routine is under-appreciated. Routines can be very healing.
Interpersonal connections, return to the regulated pace of routines, and seeking meaning from religion, community, or other values are the ways to cope with almost all adversities as they also help with grief.
Connections to loved ones and routines are helpful to many, many grieving people, but it is okay to explore more idiosyncratic approaches too. Genealogical research helped me. My dad, not only being a member of an older generation when men didn't share as much, was also an engineer and had every inch the engineer personality. So looking up his heritage and learning more about my own was also a way I coped. (My husband teased me about it, because I spend most of my time doing psychological research and so he said "And your new hobby….is another type of research?"). It's ok if other people don't really understand, as long as what you are doing is generally harmless.
New Pressures on Space for Grieving
The newest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2014) has many serious flaws, but perhaps one of the most unfortunate is that it has taken away room for bereavement—even the briefest period of time being overcome with grief can now, at least in theory, lead to a diagnosis of a disorder.
Sometimes the appropriate human response is to feel really, really bad. It is important that we not lose that understanding. Barbara Ehrenreich, among others, has written about the increasing pressure to be happy all the time. As many, many critics have noted, the new DSM-5 has narrowed the definition of "psychologically healthy" to a ridiculously narrow degree. Regarding grief, the new guidelines are also incredibly culturally insensitive.
Other Approaches to Grieving
When I lived on the San Carlos Apache Reservation in Arizona, I had the chance to experience firsthand a more communal approach to grief and loss. The first four days following a death were important times for people to stop their day-to-day lives and go spend time with loved ones and help the deceased make the transition to the next phase. It was not unusual for only a minimal staff to be at the hospital so that people could properly pay their respects and show their support. The week-long practice of sitting shiva in Judaism has some similar elements.
These and many other traditions recognize the importance of making space for grieving. One fairly new trend that I have observed in recent years is scheduling funerals and memorial services more flexibly so that they occur on weekends or other times that are more convenient for families which might be more spread apart than ever. This can be helpful too.
Although following the traditions from your own culture can be important and be especially helpful to many people, the point of all of these traditions is less about the specifics of any of them and more about creating some space to remember your loved ones. It is a chance to remember that our time is short. It is an opportunity to re-focus on priorities and remember that family and friendships are just as important as that overdue report or covering that shift at work.
When To Know to Seek Help
The previous version of the DSM, the 4th edition, was more sensible when it came to bereavement and allowed for some considerable distress for up to 2 months. Of course, that should just be treated as a guideline (and fortunately, most practitioners understand these subtleties). There is nothing magical about 60 days being "normal" and 61 days being a sign of mental illness. However, the old version of the DSM did provide sound guidance on some potentially more concerning symptoms even earlier in the grief process, including extreme feelings of worthlessness.
However, many decisions about when a grieving person needs professional help require judgment, nuance, and an appreciation of the specific social and cultural contexts. It is never okay to leave small children without adequate food and supervision, but it is okay to let your sibling, parent, or other relative step in and help with children during the immediate aftermath of a loss. It is okay to not feel up to going to parties in the days and perhaps even weeks following a death, but it is worrisome to see someone cut themselves off from all social relationships for an extended period of time. It is important to keep up with bills and other financial issues so someone does not risk eviction or a bad credit rating because of grief. Just as with any adversity, the goal is to acknowledge the loss and grief but not let a loss become the defining feature of you or your life.
Final Thoughts
The death of a loved one is something that almost everyone will experience sooner or later. Despite being an almost universal experience, we have developed too few supports for people dealing with these experiences. The creative use of Facebook and other new media shows that people often instinctively understand what they need. Creating space for grieving can be challenging in the modern world but it remains no less important. Do not be afraid to seek the time you need.
Copyright 2015 Sherry Hamby. Visit thevigor.org or lifepathsresearch.org or follow me at @Sherry_Hamby on Twitter.
