The Urban Scientist

Hi Paul,

Totally agree. As a teacher I also find it a very good indicator of success at High School level. In fact, lack of curiosity in young people is a major complaint from my colleagues. Few young people are curious.

It was a nice juxtaposition with prejudice.

Sadly, trawling through potential mates for the curiosity gene is tough. I do suspect that life keeps on being interesting with a partner who always adds new ideas, activities and perspectives to a relationship. Few things last as long as a cuious mind.

A very enjoyable and interesting article though.

Thank You

Have been reading this week in the book, "Art and Healing" by Barbara Ganim and she discusses judgement as being stressful on our body, mind and spirit--as well as those of our relationships. The left brain "...uses our learned beliefs as a yardstick to evaluate our experiences..." while with our right brain's "language of imagery, we get the truth of our experiences and feelings, because judgement is not a right brain function." Thus, the usefulness of art for healing.

We need both left and right brain functions I feel. Balance in all things. She says that judgement is the root of all stress, but I would add that it's negative judgement that's stressful to ourselves and others.

Curiosity is a good thing if it's accompanied by discernment and good boundaries. Overly curious, or being intrusive and prying, is not.

We need some ability to be judgemental in order to make decisions and choices for ourselves--what beliefs, experiences and persons we choose to allow in our personal boundaries, or not. But being curious does expand our boundaries and choices.

From my perspective, people who are prejudiced and negatively judgemental are in need of healing--and only a choice they can make when they are willing and curious enough to undertake the task. I can recommend both art therapy (music therapy, etc) as well as MindOS. However, MindOS does address both the left brain with verbal explanations as well as the right brain with visual diagrams. Both good choices for personal growth & developing healthier boundaries. With healthier boundaries, we are able to then choose and have healthier relationships--of which, agreed, a healthy curiosity is significant part. And, who wouldn't want this?

Being a curious person myself, I found this lively discussion on curiosity underway at Women's Happiness:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/forum/curiosity-t2091.html

My judgement of this article? Totally rocking, Dr.Paul!!! Great job.

Wow I found this very insightful. I've been dating a wonderful guy for 6 months and hopeful that we'll be together long-term. I have found it endearing how interested he is in the most minute details of my life, but didn't realize how significant his curiosity is in regards to deepening our relationship. I now have a hunch that his questions about my values, dreams, and even my routines have contributed to my feeling more intimate with him than with anyone I previously dated. Thanks for the helpful article!

This is an excellent article. I am an individual and couples counsellor and consequently I've had the opportunity to see what keeps relationships sustainable. Our desire and passion seems to motivate us when dating, yet ultimately it takes more than that to create a long term relationship. Active curiosity about your partner means you get to learn more about them and consequently be more emotionally intimate. This facilitates the formation of a genuine loving relationship where each partner loves the other for who they really are.

This article was awesome! On the money! As I began reading it skepticism urged me to to turn away, but as it developed, it rang more and more true! By the time I made it to the list of how the lack of curiosity can affect a relationship, I was shaking my head! You see two days ago I was dumped by a narcissistic non-curious man. We were both confused about the other's fitness as a romantic partner. It hasn't quite been a year since we began dating, but I spent so much of it questioning things. Finally sheer determination not to quit something I started kept me hanging on to the lifeless corpse which was our relationship.

At the end, once I received the news that I was being disspelled from our coupledom, I found myself ruminating over his faults. Trying to make sense of what happened,and what went wrong. This article brought relief and rest! Closure ensued, now that I understand that I don't ever have to settle for something so dissatisfying and unnurturing. There were flashes showing a lack of curiosity to be the problem, but I was busy trying to gather all the bits and pieces. Thank you for summing it up for me and saving me time in the future!

Thankyou for this insightful article! There are so many narcissistic people in this world and sometimes it is hard to know you are with one until it is too late. I was just recently in such a relationship. Also to include on your 1 and 2, is the feeling that you want to tell him more about you, but it never comes up, or you somehow never get the chance. You also feel like he doesn't fully understand things to the depth that you would like him too. There is always a hopeful maybe next time kind of feeling accompanying such a relationship. You feel like when it comes down to it, he doesn't really care to know how his actions affect you. Suffering from the realization that you were just in a one way relationship with a narcissist is a sad lesson to learn.

When your partner really is curious about you, it shows they know themselves and want to know you just as well. It's not a threat for them. A narcissistic person truly has no core personality and does not know themselves.

a very interesting article! finally after 20 some years I understand what afflicts my husband. I often told him that I did not understand how he could never come up with any questions, when I had hundreds a minute. I remember telling him that it was like talking to a 10 year old boy or a foreigner who did not speak my language, nor English.
He did not understand the sign language of affection (holding hands, caressing, glazing into the eyes etc) but he was and is a gentle, noble heart, very intelligence, caring, helpful, loyal, not at all with prejudice and "dolce" lover.
He was like in another emotional world or just did not developed emotionally, and I might say resistant to see or research what I have been telling him on his "different" communication style.
I got him to read the article and he read it with interest, he said he will read it again so we can discuss it when we go for a walk in the evening.
Thank you for the "light"

What a brilliant conclusion and article.

It describes a number of dissatisfying relationships I've had ... and even the realization (usually only when I recognize how dissatisfying the relationship is) that "he must not care about my interests at all." Plus, the article goes into the repercussions of involvement with narcissists. From things as simple as birthday gifts that bewilder you, to wasting years with someone who has no real interest in helping your reach your potential as a person.

I will say that I disagree (somewhat) with point #3, and I say this because someone could read this and think, "Well, the sex is fine so this clearly isn't true." These people can indeed be excellent lovers, but never for the right reasons. They've learned certain techniques for, I think, their own ego; however, since each woman is different, those "techniques" can also go only so far. So, yes, even with this they fall short, because their mate winds up feeling inferior for not responding to something that others in the past must have responded to (or possibly even faked).

If you haven't already written a book about this, you should! It's a point that could help many, many people avoid wasting years in unrewarding relationships.

Thank you DallasWriter!

The book exists, and it's called The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, Plume, 2008! More info at http://www.womenshappiness.com

I get what you're saying about good lovers and sex too. Well put!

This was a very interesting article for me to read. After 22 years with my husband, I've been feeling like things are not going well and I have realized that he has stopped asking me anything that involves my work and my life. I honestly feel as though he has grown completely disinterested in me, yet could never give up what he considers a comfortable existence. Yet, he has no trouble talking about the events of his days ...

Dear Paul, you are wise! I read only the intro, I might come back for the rest but I somehow feel the explanations will kill the pure awe factor. Sometimes I visualize people who are attractive (as friends, as cooperators, as lovers) and those who are not, both real and fictitious, trying to get what makes the difference. I can get when the proverbial *it* is there and when it isn't, but I couldn't give it a name up to now. Thank you.

My husband has never been curious about me, but then again he is not curious about anyone. He does not know how to have a conversation, it is more like a monologue. He can talk someone's head off, but never asks anything about them, their work, their family, etc. I would point this out to him in the hope he would improve, but he did not seem to be conscious he is doing it, how can that be? I reached a breaking point almost two years ago and wound up having a 4 month emotional affair with a mutual acquaintance. I was not "looking" for anyone, far from it, for I am not that kind of woman. But I came to love the other man, because he wanted to know everything about me, he made me "feel alive". He was interested in my thoughts, goals, joys and sorrows...he was a good man. I new early on it was not the answer to my unhappiness, so I ended the affair and confessed to my husband. He now hates the other man quite fiercely and has become somewhat self destructive. I may leave him after all, for he has threatened to hurt me for not hating the other man as he does. I miss the other man, I miss someone being "curious" about me.

Wow, thank you for summing up my life. Gives me some food for thought. This is a good article for screening potential mates as well

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2882814/date_with_purpose_slow_...

In one stroke, you have handed mankind THE TOOL to hugely increase their odds of finding a partner they will live in harmony with for life. This is truly brilliant stuff! Thanks a million. :)

I loved your definition of maturity as growing out of narcissism. Also - finding a way to be curious even when in conflict can really change things. Thanks for the time and energy put into this. People obviously like it when someone makes a clear, bold statement.

www.helpingcouplesgrow.com

I've always been Paul the curious. My family has always said I've been curious since I was a baby. I always knew that there was some problem when trying to get involved with other people, and that's probably what led me to only have one real friend, and now my husband. I read your article and thought "Goodness, I've always known that but I could never put it into the right words, never really understood what it meant". I have questions about everything, every second a new question comes around, and I always wondered why people couldn't feel the same way, if life is so amazing and so challenging and rich. I always wondered why I couldn't stand trying to develop any kind of deep relationship with someone who didn't feel that way about life. Now I can understand it so clearly, and why I got so interested in my now husband from the very first date (7 hours of "just" chat at the coffee shop!)

Thank you for this article. I'm currently going through a break-up and this article has outlined perfectly what has gone wrong with our relationship - that it had been wrong from the very start. I always wanted to know more about what made him tick and wanted to learn about his job, his interests, how he grew up; while he seemed completely fine not trying to find out about my passions, my upbringing in different cultures.... anything. The very first date we had I remember feeling like the onus was on me to get the conversation to flow easily so that we wouldn't feel awkward. He sat back and answered my questions, comfortable that he didn't have to put in much of his own accord. What a mistake on my part, the writing was already on the wall.

The lack of curiosity was there on the first date and continued throughout our several-year relationship. I got mad at him at various points for not seeming to want to know more about me. He never quite got it and couldn't explain why he was like that. He also definitely lacks awareness of his thoughts, feelings and what drives his behaviour. "I don't know" is a genuine, heartfelt answer he often gives, and it's hard because at these times I feel sorry for him, and yet just impossibly stuck. He not only doesn't know but he doesn't make any beginning steps to try to investigate ways he could learn more about what's going on or how to deal with a particular problem he has. It's "I don't know, I feel bad", then end of story. He has recently become interested in one of my interests - because it's also been a latent one of his. But even then he doesn't bring a true, open curiosity to the table. Often his interest in what I'm doing is expressed in the form of asking me how it's going and then when I'm done giving him my update, him telling me that that doesn't sound right or that _this_ is the way he heard of how to do it. The words out of his mouth more often than not indicate that he believes there is really only one right way to something, or that if he's never heard of the alternatives then they can't be valid. Like what's stored in his own brain is the authority? It's weird because when talking about his ideals he expresses clearly that he doesn't believe in "one right way" or that there is ever a stupid question, and yet that attitude is not one he lives on a daily basis. I've seen him like this with his friends as well, correcting them, "leading" them, shutting them down on occasion. Not on the basis of being mean or deliberately wanting to undermine them, he just gets stuck in this headspace of "that's not the right way, _this_ is how you do it".

For the longest time I felt like I was chasing him and putting the magic and interest into the relationship. Lo and behold when I lost the energy to keep doing that, he doesn't pick up the slack. Instead yes, he becomes less attracted to me. Which makes me feel worse and doubt myself. I'm quite relieved (though also sad as well) that we're finally able to break up, however a very good mark of how much being in this relationship has changed my thinking is that as I wonder about what the next relationship might be like and what I'm looking for, I actually asked myself if it's reasonable to imagine being with someone where good and interesting conversations are a normal part of your life together.

I'm very grateful for this article. It's helped put so much back into perspective. Having this resonate so strongly makes me feel less confused about "what went wrong", I can take responsibility for my part in this without playing an endless back and forth blame game that does nothing but muddy the water.

I agree on the "curiosity" thing. People who are interested (in life outside of their own personal pursuits for self-fulfillment) are interesting. Consequently most are boringly predictible.

I just had one of the biggest A-HA moments of my life!!!! I have always said of myself, "I don't have a need to know type mind, I have a need to know WHY". I am NF (intuitive and feeling) and have spent my entire marriage trying to first understand, then heal then, finally, get away from my husband. The other comments about his "monologues", and his sexual "clumsiness" and claiming that his previous partners were extremely satisfied which I eventually found out were faking, his complete lack of gift giving, never lifting a finger to help eventually -- he only EVER did exactly what he needed to do to in order to get what he wanted. And once our children arrived, then he did next to nothing assuming that I would never take the initiative to leave. Therapy didn't work - he had no need to change. He had what he wanted - me, the kids, the house (tv and couch??). Law of cause and effect. I had to just get away from him. I told my oldest (at age 12) once, "you make your bed and you lie in it". He said, "why don't you just get a new bed??". Oh, the innocence and unjaded problem solving skills of the young. I moved from a house of hell to my own house of peace. And what a difference it is to be able to breathe without fear of retribution. My boss (part-time) once asked me at a review if it hurt to think as much as I do. 100% true story. I said no, I have no control over the turnings of my mind and if I did, I wouldn't stop it anyway. I LOVE being curious!! It makes every day an adventure, a treasure hunt and a trip to the moon!! I hope I am passing this love of the bigger picture to my children - and the ones who aren't intuitive, I am instilling in them the fact that they have to be kind and loving in order to be treated with kindness and love. Not insisting that they have their way so that later on some poor unsuspecting woman has to tiptoe around his anger at not being treat loving first. If I were to give in to his anger, and give him affection at that moment, then I am setting him up for a lifetime of misery.

It will all be in my book - wife of Army major who drove 1800 miles to kill her and the kids - torture kit in the car, sniper rifle, and one yrs worth of recorded messages and texts threatening violence or death.

Like I said, BOY I coulda used this a LONG TIME AGO!!!!

Thanks for writing this for my kids!!!!

Curiosity is a good trait to use as an evaluator in normal dating relationships. It should be noted that narcissists can appear VERY curious about you in the early stages. Their goal is to "catch" your interest by faking theirs. Also, if they understand your weaknesses and strengths they can manipulate you better for longer, keeping your focus on them which is their main objective. It may be that long-term curiousity is the better measure.