The New Female-on-Male Violence?

It's still out there as a story in the media - a new norm of "rudeness" in society - and the names Joe, Kanye, and Serena still being thrown around as starting points on discussion. From the serious (Ruben Navarette's remarkable commentary on narcissism at CNN.com comes to mind, http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/09/18/navarrette.rudeness.narcissism/) to the humorous and satirical (for a tongue-in-cheek laugh go to www.imaletyoufinish.com), studies of rudeness, narcissism and a general lack of civility may be the rage for a little while longer.

However, like many, you may be beyond over and done with hearing about the drama of the Gosselins, of TV's Jon and Kate Plus Eight. A set of twins, and one of sextuplets, and the nasty dissolution of the marriage of their parents were broadcast to millions over the past year.

While there is a treasure-trove to learn about courtship models through their tragic situation, it's understandable why we would tire of hearing about it. Maybe it reminds people of their own failures, or is just "too much information." The gossip rags certainly did their best to fuel the fires by making the husband out to be a cheating, negligent villain in the headlines.

Which is nothing new.

So I was surprised while flipping through the news channels that I became so glued to the Jon Gosselin interview on Good Morning America the other day. He came off so clearly honest, earnest, and sincere that I immediately dropped any critical analysis, theory, or deconstruction to just be a human being - and a man - on the listening end.

See for yourself: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=8467543

Look at his face, listen to the words.

This is an abused person, and that's not just said with a psychiatrist's experience of treating it, but someone who's at times been on the receiving end of similar comments and actions. I mean, it was actually broadcast - when I first tuned in to the show I couldn't believe what I was seeing: the cuts at his identity, name-calling, subtle, resentful little barbs implying he was less than a man.

And then we see the gossip rags headline how very bad he is for being free, feeling good, or God forbid, socializing. All while striking a balance with ongoing care for his children, having changed what looked on the air to be far more than an equal share of diaper changing over the past several years.

Good for him.

It strikes one how quick the male instinct is to say, "I'm fine. I'm tough," and no not dare go near complaining as a "sissy" would. I even briefly felt embarrassed for him saying, "I was abused," then felt embarrassed for being embarrassed. Funny how that works in we men.

Some time ago, Will Smith appeared on Oprah and asked her if she had ever heard of "Man Tears." When she said no, he hammed it up for the cameras by appearing upset, then stifling out the tears with a grunt that sounded like a half-sneeze. A laugh riot, but with a bit of a sad side in other contexts.

Many years ago, I chanced across an article on Columbine by colleague Robert Galatzer-Levy, M.D., also of Chicago, in which he was comparing the impact of actual physical violence with that of "emotional violence" - taunting - among teens. It was a remarkable piece, and an insight into this very kind of violence.

Whether you trace the pain fibers of both physical pain and emotional pain right through the thalamus of the brain, or whether you get sucked into hype, and reputations, and harm that men and women do to each other - whether reading about Rihanna and Chris Brown, or the Gosselins with more outrage at one story than the other - one thing is clear:

Both men and women have a right to not be subject to abuse, the right to leave it, and need sources of healing for it.

How odd is it that we are simultaneously so different in our instincts, communication, and desires, and yet so similar in wanting to love and be loved, and not to be hurt?

At the end of that interview, I didn't really care which research studies supported Gosselin's position, and which refuted it. He talked about crying more in the past year than ever in the rest of his life. About trying to care for and love his kids while being verbally hated, and silently hating back from just inches across the couch.

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Out of empathy, and shared experience, one could only see this rebuked, derided, "B-list wanna-be" as a good man - in fact a longsuffering man - trying to be healthy, trying to do right, and being about as courageous a person as any I've seen on screen in awhile.

Which, after all the talk of tears and pain, is a pretty manly trait to end with.