The holidays may be over but unfortunately the economy is still here, and one of those touching traditional holiday stories - O. Henry's Gift of the Magi - still lingers.
Told in many variations, the story of a husband and wife - selling off such personal items as her hair, and his watch - just to afford a gift they know their spouse will cherish (a comb for her beautiful hair, and a fob for his prized watch), still can cause many to shed a tear of recognition at real love.
The environment of the story is the bleakest of economic times, and yet what amazing sex they must have had after such loving, selfless acts!
In a civilized relationship, just as in a civilized society, when we come under severe stress, we can tend to lose empathy for other people, and go more into "survival mode" where "it's all about me."
Economic downturns are just such a situation for men and women getting along - perhaps the worst and most significant to tear formerly loving relationships asunder.
In such times we often think of "scarce resources," yet when talking on men, women, and matters of the heart, it is a collection of things we mean by "resources," not just money.
One of those interesting facets of evolutionary psychology is that although men and women are quite different in their reflex gender instincts, there are numerous "parallels" between them in terms of needs, desires and traits.
So I have a "what if" question for you.
What if one of the most surprising and interesting parallels between men and women is this: that everything a woman's body means to her, a man's "resources" mean to him. And I don't mean just money, but all "resources" related to career. We are talking about the "reptilian brains" here - those instincts designed to help us survive and procreate - both keywords and synonyms for the single word, "passion," the causes of which are somewhat different for men than for women.
Women care for their bodies as reflections of themselves, and a source of self, attractiveness, and in so doing, may expand a sense of "passion for life." Note that the cosmetics industry is perhaps the oldest industry in the world.
In kind, men passionately feel the same about their resources - not just salary or money - but career and the toys and gadgets which propel the career higher (although you may find quite a few men who detest shopping in general and yet are quite passionately drawn to shop at Best Buy.)
Men's sense of "resources" also consists of their time, energy, labor and attention. This is what men in a teetering relationship mean by "I need my freedom" and why women in the same often complain "he just doesn't listen," or "you're not working hard enough in this relationship."
To men, resources of money, time, energy, and even the toys and gadgets of their career progress gone missing, being repossessed, or certainly such events as receiving a pink slip all feel utterly no different than the case of a woman's body being violated, dishonored, or objectified. Thus, in hard economic times, ennui can arise in men that can seem disproportionate, confusing to their mates, and severely stress the relationship.
The freedom to grow and use time, energy and money resources to men is "masculinizing" to them, which is to say, ups their attractiveness, and passion for life in general.
For women, being paid attention to, listened to, helped via labor (chores and tasks around the house for example?) and the man's "solidness" and composure through stressful times, feels like being provided "resources" and is both "feminizing" and attractive. It feels like he cares, is "working on the relationship," and that he listens and honors the woman in the way she needs to be.
By feminizing, the women feels more attractive, attracted, and passion for life in general.
So you can see in hard economic times that the need for money robs our time (we do extra shifts perhaps?), our energy, our good spirits, and so many resources, that it puts a strain on both men and women - as if there is a competition for scarce sources of both masculinity and femininity.
But only if we let ourselves fall victim to a "survivalist" mentality rather than a conscious effort at empathy and teamwork.
It is more in this time as in no other, that men and women must step into each other's shoes to actively understand our instinctual differences, yet still find ways to both expand and enjoy those resources - which are ultimately shared.
The woman of the story gives her core identity (of the body) in the symbol of her hair, as the man gives his core identity (of work and resources) in the symbol of his watch.
The gift to us within the Gift of the Magi may very well be one of the most touching examples of how men and women can both deeply understand the needs of the other in troubled times, and how it is that in real love - when we give away a piece of our deepest selves we value most - the act itself, far more than the dollars and cents price of the external "resource," has just created a priceless inherent value in the relationship itself.
In its gravitas, meaning, and durability, this relationship "wealth" crushes underneath it any concerns of a mortgage, a lost job, bills, and bleak forecasts in the television tickertape reports. Stocks rise and fall, there is downturn and recovery, but what is shared between a man and a woman may be the only reliable, durable thing that lasts.
