I was ready to shut the computer and go to bed when I saw this headline and couldn't resist it...I'd like to consider myself an expert in this area, as I have had many girlfriends and also been friends with many male relatives and friends of friends etc. and they all choose to confide in me much like a therapist, and I love the topic that you have raised, and have been researching it like a hobby for a long time now...let's write a book together, what do you say doc? :)

Sincerely,

Rose

I think this article is on point for seeing a trend in the despairing tone that men and women both seem to exude about "love" anymore. As a 34yr old woman, living with a 34yr old boyfriend, and certainly wondering about the what or if there is a future to it, I also know that I'm not alone in my specific situation or demographic. More and more I see with peers and colleagues an even greater reluctance to engage and invest deeply with others. I think it's just an end result of a culture moving too quickly to accomodate the realities of true closeness in both a physical and psychic capacity. I won't go so far as to say that technology is the root of all alienation, but (as I've seen in other articles posted here) there is a problem created when one gets to see all the fish in the sea before deciding which one to actually to catch. The "visual" abundance of potential mates through technology devalues the experience of actually loving the one you're with. It's too much candy shop for hard wired humans to rise above...yet. One can still hold out hope:) Or become a statistic. jk.

best,
heather

Maybe, instead of focusing on the feelings and emotions within ourselves. We should take a look at the other people. Is the rise of divorce rates and general singleness just a sign of selfishness? I do believe that this war is killing us and our country. We need to truly love each other more than ourselves.

Lets move back to the old days where 'love' had little to do with marriage, and the commitment was based on a mutual understanding between families. Where both families would lose if there was a divorce. Arranged marriages might be a step too far, but the last I heard only 1 in 25 of those ended in divorce.

As a divorced parent, laid off of work, it is extremely stressful especially when my ex forgoes ALL and ANY responsibility and it does ALL fall on me. I am NOT surpised at the rise in suicides in women. There does come a point when we do need just someone to be there for us. It does not mean that we are weak or cannot do it on our own, but having someone believe in you can make a world of difference. Yet, it is EXPECTED as a "mother" to just take care of everything and it is ACCEPTED from the "father" when they do nothing.

First of all, your article seemed to imply that women aren't doing enough to make men happy in marriage, and women aren't valuing marriage and childbearing enough. That came across as sexist. It remains that men are more likely to cheat, to be the perpetrators of violence and to abuse drugs and alcohol. Sorry, but the majority of divorces are caused by male behavior. That probably isn't going to change, ever.

I am 44 and my generation is having, overall, a lower standard of living than my parents had in their 40s. I also see many women who blithely assume that their non-marital relationship with a man is just as good as marriage. These women don't think about legal and financial issues that come up in a divorce. I believe that generations ago, although divorce rates were lower, people were more aware of the devastating consequences of divorce, especially on women. Now there seems to be an attitude that divorce isn't a big deal, combined with a denial on the part of women resulting in a belief that just because a man doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean he doesn't want a commitment. Actually it does mean that he is ambivalent about commitment.

The financial pressures that I referenced earlier mean more women are resorting to various unofficial types of prostitution. I see this a lot in women in their 40s. They find a man who gives them money in return for sex but convince themselves he's their "boyfriend." Meanwhile he is sleeping with whoever else he pleases. These women put themselves in a degrading position and meanwhile, the man gets a "relationship" on his terms, without marriage or commitment of any kind. No wonder the lack of marriage no longer has so great an effect on men. They are able to get companionship and sex without it, and without any responsibilities as long as they have a little extra cash.

Statistically divorce is initiated more by women, and often (from what I've read) the husband is clueless or just too uninvolved to understand why or what was wrong. As a 50 year old female in long term marriage that is anything but fulfilling, I can say that I can truly understand the desire to run away or end it all. After 20+ years of being the major breadwinner, managing everything to do with home/social life, and accomodating my spouse's every desire, I am at the burn out stage. Yes I do feel responsible for not recognizing and addressing many of the issues that have, over time, sabotaged my happiness. However, I see too many inattentive husbands who think they don't have to work at their relationships and their part in the marriage. Women are raised to be givers and caretakers but even if they also make time for themselves it's not a substitute for being loved and romanced.

I don't know if it's the lightning busy age we live in, but I see a lack of true connection being made on a personal level in both friendships and romantic relationships where people feel given the time and repsonsiveness to actually open up and share themselves. I think once that goes missing, any other issues just push women over the edge.

This is a very sad finding..

We definitely have not yet regained our footing following a massive shift of balance following the women's liberation/feminist movement. Both sexes being nearly equal in ability to provide for a family and obtain power and social status has eroded men's main tool for gaining appreciation and differentiating themselves from women.

In addition we've had zero good public role-modeling in recent years. Men's role models are those who are in power. Most recently we've had a man with zero emotional intelligence and Clinton who had to ruin it with his infidelity (not to mention countless other men in power being routinely caught in scandel).

Women no doubt look to the most beautiful of our society for thier role-modeling. That's scary. I can't tell you how many Hollywood starlet vaginas I saw photographs of last year. There's been a grotesque loosening of morals in young women so it's not surprising that men aren't seeming to want to commit (especially since they're "not appreciated" anyway). Young women are shooting themselves in the foot, and they have no idea....

I would love nothing more than to force psychology/sociology education upon the young. It makes sense. I have no idea why it doesn't seem to exist.

On the bright side... I was absolutely floored watching the Barbara Walters interview of the Obamas the other night. I think they're going to be a wonderful family for our society to want to emulate. They're certainly the "first family" I've ever wanted to live next door to. Even Britney Spears seems to be keeping her underwear on these days. I think things are looking up.

Living in Chicago, I am right in the middle of the hook up culture that we've seen so often in TV shows like Sex and the City. Often when I am out trying to talk to somebody at a party, or a bar or restaurant, they are constantly texting somebody to try to arrange a booty call. Although it's fun to enjoy freedom from time-to-time...especially after a rocky relationship or other life transition, all of this freedom doesn't seem to be making people any happier overall. Sometimes customs from the past make a lot of sense. One of those is courtship. So I am with Dr. Paul in his call to revive the dying social custom of courtship! Courtship is not just an antiquated relic from the past. Courtship is essential forming a lasting, sexy, loving, intimate, caring, trustful bond...a true romantic relationship with another person. This is what all women (and men) really want. Without courtship, relationships suffer in the long run. And the decline of courtship has contributed to this alarming rise in suicides among middle-aged women.

As a single 30 year old woman, with a wonderful career and a great network of friends and family I find myself in the middle of this exact "war". I think Dr Paul has hit the nail on the head that effort is simply not put into the relationship side of life anymore. It's commonly accepted that to be fabulous in your career you need to work hard, have definite goals, a plan and be willing to roll up your sleeves and give it a really good go. No-one truly believes it should be handed to you on a silver platter. So why should it be different for any other aspect of a fulfilling life??
While a great "people person" I find it very foreign to genuinely connect with people on an intimate level, and perhaps it's me or perhaps it is conditioning but 'romance' seems to have become the oddity and kind of corny. Yet I greatly desire for someone to be brave enough to really make a go of that old thing called 'courtship'. The offer to 'hang out' simply doesn't do it for me.
I find it offensive to blame either men or women for this, as clearly both genders have come to misunderstand what is needed to truly court one another and form a solid, committed bond. Thanks Dr Paul for doing your utmost to close this gap!

We have a fundamental shift happening in our US society right now. We are being taught pervasively to place LOW value on feeling, caring, interdependence. We are being taught pervasively to place HIGH value on reckless, uncaring, individuality. The War on Love is just one of the logical conclusions to this path our country has chosen. Our other "wars" are also logical conclusions to this path our country has chosen.

We don't have to always be right. We don't have to always be in charge. We don't have to always be materialistic and status-conscious. We don't have to be so ME, ME, ME. We need to be in tune with what others are feeling. We need compassion.

Someone has said that just 5% more humility would cure 95% of the worlds problems.Does anyone else see the value in this? Or, shall we continue in our warrior ways?

Our country chewed up and spit out the peace, love, and good vibes of the hippie generation, and replaced it with "Love Is a Battlefield". Our entire country, collectively and individually, desperately needs to reexamine it's values in every area. We cannot change one area independently of the others. We need more love and understanding and caring in every area.

Being a 47 year old divorced female put me at the intersection of the success of the men's rights groups in custody court, and yet without any financial benefit of the women's liberation movement. This intersection, in my own experience at least, meant a loss of custody of the children that are supposed to prevent suicide, because I was without the financial means to match my ex's lawyer. It also dumped me back into the single pool, no longer young, and not willing to play the game with either pre- or post-, men or women's rights, rules. Add to this a move to finish a degree to a state with a higher than average level of alcoholism and codependency patterns running through the local homeboys. No wonder I am concentrating on my career. I have no idea how to fix this, at least not in time for my golden years.

I'm starting with myself. There's no lack of love. It's not something that just runs out. Every moment of everyday we each have the opportunity to be compassionate and loving...selfless...Think about it. When driving. Respect the speed limits. Allow that car to move in front of you. Make eye contact with strangers...SMILE....SMILE for Goodness sake. Say hello! Say please. Say thank you. Say you are welcome. Even at your very worse, the bottom of the pit...don't despair...find that smile and give it. give it again and again and YES again. You will find those that are awake and will acknowledge you and return the gift. The best part is when you realize you are giving it naturally, unconditionally with no expectations of reciprocation.
Generosity, kindness, compassion...LOVE. Each and everyone of us have it within us....the more we give and less we hoard we will find all of that will come back to us and more!
Much love!~
Lorri

To LG who commented above. Thank you for your inspirational words. I do believe the crux of what Dr. Paul is conveying in his article has to do with the lost "Art of Courtship with a capital C". Courtship is one of the most important processes in human develpment in the romantic worlds between men and women regardless of what era we are living in.

I do notice all the love around me, because I make the choice to do so and I appreciate being surrounded by it. Simotaniously (sad but true) there is the problem of the suicide rates among both men and women and yes I do agree that it does exsist in the minds of women that men do not seem to want to committe to them or vise versa. I recently was approached by a charming, handsome, world travelar and well educated man within my age range mid 40's. Our first conversation was a warm exchange of thoughtful insights into each others worlds. However when he officially called me for a date; he presented himself like he had just caught the ball and started running with it, suggesting that he wanted to come over and visit with me. I felt disapointed and gently stated that I did not feel confortable and suggested if we could we meet in public and get to know each other, after all I do not know him. I could feel that he was slightly caught off guard and laughed nervesously stating "Okay we can meet at the cafe". We met and spoke for about an hour. The next day he called wanting to come over again with a bottle of wine, to which I stated to him: "I am surprised that you called me after our conversation, I felt that you communicated to me very clearly that you were going back to your country within a couple of years and seek a women for marriage of which I wished you the best of happiness? Of which he stated; "That is my long term plan". And I responded; "My long term plan starts now, please do not call me again". I am glad to say that he has respected my request.

Even though this has happen to me on a couple of occasions, (maybe it is a test to my own committment to my self to stay true to myself in what I want in a relationship) I continue to experience the love that I see and feel all around me when I see couples that are truely in love and committed to each other. Iris

I do think that Dr Paul is right about many things. Being a 46-year-old woman back on the dating scene is definitely NOT EASY. I have noticed some big changes in how things are done from when I was a teen or young twenties. I don't think this is the fault of either gender, nor of both. I do think that people have really given up their power by believing everything the advertising, media, and entertainment industries throw at them.

As a woman, I am particularily offended by the stupid-man stereotype that is being portrayed. I am equally offended by the severe criticisms of women's looks. There seems to be no variance allowed for taste anymore. One clone after another. If women believe the stupid-man stereotype, they think everything he does is wrong. NOT TRUE. I especially see this in younger women who have been bombarded with this nonsense. A lot of younger women are downright degrading to their men, constantly yelling at him, ordering him around, and being very nasty. Is it any wonder men think they cannot win? Why do men buy into this stereotype? I couldn't tell you.

As for men, why do you buy into the media's idea of attractiveness? Do you not realize that it is designed to sell products (clothes, makeup, haircare, waxing, diets, exercise programs, books, and on and on) by degrading a woman's self-esteem? If you add to this by thinking the only acceptable woman for you is the hollywood-type, is it any wonder women want nothing to do with you?

I would love to see people not only expressing their individuality, but throughly embracing it. It is hard to not be accepted, but do you want to be accepted under these constraints? NOT ME. I prefer to be as feminine as possible and really appreciate a man for being male. It doesn't mean we aren't equal. It means that we each contribute something unique and special to make a better whole.

I think appreciation of eachother and being strong enough to resist the media are whats needed to help this problem along with courtship.

I am deeply grateful to Dr. Paul for bringing this
problem to our attention. Statistics on a problem,
does not need to be a trend. What is critical is
that we become aware of it. Once we become consciously aware, we can take action and use it
to make a change. Thanks too for your books and
videos on courtship in today's age. Your information makes it much easier for each of us can do our part, right where we are, one moment at a time. Together,
these actions make a difference.

I cannot help thinking that if humans deny the drives and urges which have evolved during the evolution of our species, then there will be consequences.

If indeed we do have a sex drive then it surely has a reason for being there. And so too if we have a commitment function then there is also a reason why it evolved. Of course the reasons are obvious. What if these urges are not satisfied though, instead they are projected onto other objects and such. Then it is easy to assume that the humans that do not find a healthy way to satisfy these urges may well lead to unnatural consequences, and unsatisfied lives.

Relationships, mating and courtship is so absolutely core to the perpetuation of any species, is has to be, if this importance is not realized then the species will surely suffer.

It seems a great shame that many women and men are placing far too great an importance on their Jobs and completely neglecting to satisfy the equally or more important drive for humans to mate. What is survival for if not to survive long enough to mate?

If people deny this drive to mate they may find that there is something missing.

It is curious that there is not a big enough emphasis or study into the importance of dating. This is almost defiantly because of the rampant Christianity and religion which has plagued America and other countries, systems of living which has urged many people to feel unnatural guilt and shame of the idea of dating. If people can shake off these shackles of ridiculous religious ideas then maybe people will be more open about the importance of dating, and will feel no shame about this most natural of human urges. We have evolved ways for sexual selection and this fact deserves much more respect and study than it currently gets, the blame has to fall on the shoulders of religion.

The urge to see many different people is necessary if one is to find that one which makes one feel complete, whole, trusting and enough so that you feel happy to bring new lives into the world. A partner who will also inspire one to try harder to work to support the family. A partner who one feels close to, one wants to have fun with, one wants to ensure the safety of. These values and wants are surely completely natural and if they are satisfied one would never want to cause themselves self harm, and one would be able to live their life and at the end of it be able to face death knowing that they have been true to themselves, to their life as a human on this earth.