The Therapist Is In

"We all, however, have access within ourselves to spiritual and social tools that can be profoundly helpful. If we draw upon our inborn resilience and moral fiber, we can find many ways to contend with severing ties with toxic family members."

Presumably our families are where we learn social tools and our parents technically help us solidify our moral fiber.. just seems like a bit ironic to think of using the tools your parents gave you to cut them off ... I think the word "toxic" is often used so loosely.. each situation is different and yes, there are times that people must save themselves but for those that are looking for an excuse for bad behavior.. Dr Friedman handed it to them.
Are the gay man's parents "toxic"? or do they have certain morals and it's hard for them to put those aside? would it not be better to promote forgiveness and understanding.. would it not be better to understand where the parents thoughts and behaviors are rooted? rather than just cutting them off.. would it not be better to accept that they loved their son and have a point of view... maybe not the same as their son's point of view.. but does that make them "toxic" because they don't see things the same way he does?

"Are the gay man's parents 'toxic'?" - Yes

"or do they have certain morals and it's hard for them to put those aside?" - Yes while it may be hard for them, this isn't about them.

"would it not be better to promote forgiveness and understanding." - No. Forgiveness has nothing to do with it. Just because they are his parents? That does not give them a free ride. Forgiveness implies absolution which is not something to force on anyone.

"would it not be better to understand where the parents thoughts and behaviors are rooted?" - No. They are not trying to understand his, an again, this is not about his parents.

"rather than just cutting them off.. would it not be better to accept that they loved their son and have a point of view... maybe not the same as their son's point of view.. but does that make them "toxic" because they don't see things the same way he does?" - They are not toxic because they view things differently, they are toxic because of the impact they have on his life. Which really comes down to a lack of respect for him.

You do not divorce your parents because you hate them and don't want them in your life; you do it because you can't cope with them in your life.

Why do you think this article should not be about the parents? Actuallly no one writes articles about the lack of respect or the toxcicity of adult children on their parents? Parents are "expected" to behave a certain way just because they are "parents" and at the same time you say they don't deserve respect for that? You say they have to earn it.....no..it's kinda like your boss at work ...you might not agree with anything he/she says but unfortunately you have to respect that person because they are in that position...so until adult children have raised their own children past the age of 25....I don't think they are in the position to judge .....they certainly cannot speak from experience. So as for a free pass to divorce parents.....again there is a relationship...a relationship like no other ..it seems that a person who has values or morals would not allow a divorce...they might set serious boundaries but to promote divorce unless it's absoultely necessary seems frivoulous as psychology shows that people are not entirely happy about their decision of divorce. They might be relieved and it feels good short term ,but research has not supported long term welllbeing when cutoff has occured.

When you say it's not because you don't love them ..you just can't "cope" with them? Maybe they had trouble coping with their children but they didn't have a choice ...they are the parents....what is that about? Cope? Sometimes you have to do a little work...people learn to "cope" with things all the time....good grief...entitlement everywhere you turn.

Why do children have to respect their parents but parents do not have to respect their children? They are the adults after all, why don't they act like it.

Yes people learn to cope with many things, some are harder then others. Why don't people stay married instead of divorce? Why can't they just cope with their spouse's infidelity? abuse? etc... Why should an adult keep a relationship with a parent that does not respect them and never has? Yes, everyone is ENTITLED to respect. Again this article is not about the parents.

"so until adult children have raised their own children past the age of 25....I don't think they are in the position to judge " - Nonsense! One does not have to have children to know what is good parenting. Likewise, if you want to make this argument, how about you stay quiet until you know what it is like growing up with an abusive parent? How about when that abuse (emotional or otherwise) continues into adulthood. Once you have done that then let's see what you think.

That's not entitlement, that is reality.

Excuse me....who are you to tell me to be quiet? FYI...I too have grown up with emotional abuse and more....I reallly don't think you should say things like that unlesss you reallly know who you are talking to....so I guess we are talking ENTITLEMENT.... the diffference between you and me is that I am not whining....I have respect for myself and I have reached in deep as Mark says ....I have reached for the morals and values I learned from my "poisonous" parents....and I have forgiven them...please note that I have and will not EVER forget.....but I have chosen to try to put myself in their shoes to understand who they are and why they behaved the way they did given their circumstances and their personalities....it has taken a lot of hard work but they are my parents and if not for them for better or for worse I would not be who I am and in spite of their abuse.....I am strong,maybe stronger...so when I read or hear people like you who say they love their parents but don't want to find a way to have them in their lives....sounds precious to me....no parent is perfect and there are some people who ha e to separate themselves for dangerous physical reasons but even these people would like to work toward someki d of relationship.....it might not be the kind of relationship your parents desire but it's what you choose .....better than divorce......it's more respectful ...not only for them but also for me.

You are tool. You can forgive your parents, don't say that I have to forgive mine. Don't put your morals on me. I divorced my parents and am happy with my life. I don't need them. I respect myself and my decision. I have healed from my emotionally abusive parents and I CHOOSE not to have them in my life anymore. I don't need to forgive them and never will. I can live with that.

Thank you for your kind remarks...

I can only wish you the best of luck...

Forgiveness means to "excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon" and there is no way I will ever excuse any parent for abusing a child. Plain and simple.

I have severed my ties with my father/step-mother. It is only through this action that I can move forward in my life with emotional stability. My father's inappropriate actions towards me, with his additonal behavior in making his wife jealous of me has finally been stopped.....by me. I cringe everytime I think about what he implied to me and his unwelcomed physical contact which of course was when we were alone. I confronted them both and told them to get some help. They of course are in denial about the whole thing and told me I am the one that is crazy. They can call me what they want....I don't care. I am free from years of emotional abuse...and potential continued abuse.

I notice the parents who post on these things are always so confident. They don't ever seem sad, or doubtful.. self searching.
This is one of the things that hurt me the most growing up, my parents lack of respect for me and my feelings. My parents were so certain they were right about everything that they bulldozed over my feelings and numerous other people's feelings. This is what ruined our relationship. All people deserve respect, parents and children.. children choose to detach when parents cannot respect their humanness... Most children want a good relationship with their parents but that is impossible when parents insist on being disrespectful and abusive and manipulative.. continually pushing their children away emotionally.

You can't forgive toxic parents who don't know/think/admit they are toxic. In my case, I have been blamed for years for standing up to my abusive father instead of overlooking it like everyone else. My dad can't physically abuse me any longer, but he sure as hell still mentally abuses me when he has the opportunity. When you have an enabling family who expects you to accept his behavior instead of making him accountable for it, there is no forgiving. Forgiving constitutes someone admitting they need forgiven. When they don't think they've done anything they need to be forgiven for, they turn it around and call YOU crazy. There's no other choice but to cut ties and stop letting yourself be abused. Why should adult children feel guilty for cutting off their parents, when the parents created the situation in the first place??? Are we supposed to feel bad the rest of our lives because mom and dad's feelings got hurt when we decided to not talk to them anymore??? If a parent has admitted their wrong and tried to make amends, that's one thing. But when a parent is still trying to control and abuse their adult children, it's time to cut them off. Parents who do this are mental, are like poison, and will continue to do this as long as YOU stick around for it and LET them do it to you...along with YOUR children.

My mother verbally and emotionally abused my sister and I. I learnt, a little too late, what my mother was doing. A professional performance in passive-aggressive behaviour. I informed my sister but she did not implement my stategy of responding by stating to my mother that her opinion was interesting and I would get back to her later. I also asked my mother to repeat her statement because I did not hear it. This was very effective as being nasty twice is harder. In the end I realised my sister just hung on for some sign of love whereas I knew it would never come. I was also abroad most of the time and that is an effective divorce if information is withheld. I did feel better but my past does haunt me.

The damage my toxic mother caused for so long is astounding but I do feel she could have been easily managed by a collective family effort to implement a simple strategy. I have always wondered how my mother learnt to be (now) so (predictably) manipulative, controlling and destructive. However, without information these people are often paralysed. Not responding logically also throws them off-balance. Divorcing ones parents does raise eyebrows in friends and partners so I would not recommend it or play it down a little. You are rarely seen as blameless. A good article though Mark. I would love to see an article on containment strategies. Thanks.

My father passed away last year, and I have a great many emotions about that. He was basically a good man - he never physically abused me or my brothers. But he was extremely reclusive and never really wanted us to have friends or get involved in school activities. I think he was fearful that the outside world would "taint" us and make us sinful. He was a product of the Depression Era, and I think it made him paranoid about money. I was the only girl in a family of 3 brothers. I felt "prevented" all the time in trying to expand into the outside world and develop my abilities. My younger brother resented that I was going away to a state college, and tried to bully me into not going. He punched me in the face when I refused to discuss it any longer. When I did go away to college, I found it difficult to relate to people my own age. I had only been around older relatives. I finally got my first job and got better jobs over the years. I had kept up my relationship with my father even though he made hostile remarks about my love life, and tried to help him and mother with things they needed. I've never married, but he suspected I was gay. I'm straight and celibate, but he didn't believe that. At least I can have some privacy and peace and quiet living by myself. Now that my dad is gone, my brothers are talking bad about him, but I do have a peace about the fact that I still tried to get along with him long distance. There are now rumblings about our inheritances, and those sibling rivalries are unfortunately coming to the fore. My mother is still alive, and my hope is that my brothers are not trying to exert undue influence on her to disinherit me. But my situation aside, I do think sometimes it is better to cut certain relatives out of your life. In my case, I have just tried to limit contact for my own sanity. Good luck to all of you out there trying to weather toxic relationships!

Some of you seem to be saying to those of us who lost in the Parent Lottery, "Tough luck, shut up, you just have to take it."
My family, especially Mom, has bled me dry. It is impossible to do enough them. Mom constantly asks for physical, emotional, and financial help. She then criticizes the help given, gossips about the helper herself, and refuses to do anything to help herself. BTW, she is a healthy 73-year-old who has never worked outside the home.
Get a job--yeah right! Go to therapy--forget it! Respect others' personal boundaries--no way! Dad gave up years ago and doesn't say or do much. The family downplays my and my younger brother's hard-won accomplishments, saying he & I achieve only because we're lucky. (Hard work and determination have nothing to do with it, of course.) Our three underachieving, whining siblings are coddled and praised.
And after 54 years, you think I should just keep taking all this crap I never asked for? When do I get to have a peaceful life?