When I see couples in therapy, at some point I will invariably hear: "no one has ever spoken to me as hurtfully as she did last night." Or "He says such horrible mean things to me. No one's ever talked to me like that and I won't put up with it." Variations on this theme abound. Sometimes people acknowledge the behavior within themselves, and with horror: "I can't believe I spoke to her that way. I've never said such disgusting things to anyone other than my wife or husband." I too, have said things to my wife, who I love dearly, that are meaner than things I've said to anyone else in my life. Why is that?
I explain to clients that it's a universal fact that we humans always hurt the ones we love the most. "She talks to you that way because she loves you more than anyone else," I'll say. It's certainly an oddly paradoxical way of expressing love, but it's reflective of the fact that someone so easily bruises us when we love him or her more than anyone else in the world. The process goes something like: "I feel so hurt by you that I am now going to retaliate by saying this most imaginably awful things I can possibly come up with."
This dynamic within couples has been around a long time and brilliantly translated into a beautiful love song "You Always Hurt the One You Love" by composers Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher in the 1944. It's been performed by many great pop artists such as Michael Bublé, Ringo Starr, and Fats Domino, just to name a few.
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall.
You always break the kindest heart
With hasty words you can't recall
So if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all.
You always break the kindest heart
With hasty words you can't recall
So if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all...
When a person is being verbally slammed by their partner, it's not a normal or reflexive reaction to feel, "oh my God. They really love me. They are saying such awful things to me. I have to thank them for being so loving." What's normal and instinctual is to retaliate by verbalizing in an even more disgusting way.
I am not, by any means, suggesting to anyone that they should start expressing their love by saying terrible things to their partner. However, if you can remember how common it is, the next time you're told "you, @~$#@*$~!" you might just change the tune and the tone by remembering that "you always hurt the one you love" and simply say "I'm sorry if I hurt you so much that you feel that angry with me" rather than...."well, you are an even bigger and badder @~$#@*$~!
