The Therapist Is In

Everything you need to know about psychotherapy.
Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist in New York City and the author of Healing from Family Rifts. See full bio

Turn In the Hate Card and Find Your Better Self

Jane Fonda, Sean Penn bring out protestors on Broadway, Oscars

Talk about injustice collecting:  On Saturday night, my wife and I went to see Jane Fonda on Broadway in previews of the show “33 Variations.”  As we approached the theatre, we saw six men with American flags seemingly engaged in a protest of some kind.  This seemed like a strange place for protestors but as we got closer, their shouts of “Commie Traitor” made it clear that they were not Jane Fonda fans.  They were still angry about some anti-war statements the actress made in North Vietnam in 1972.   That’s the hallmark of an Injustice Collector: holding on to grievances from the past and discounting any actions since the crime was perpetrated, as they see it, onto them. 

Jane Fonda has since spoken publicly about her regret at having taken this action and apologized in all manner of media about any hurt she inflicted on American soldiers.  "I would like to say something, not just to Vietnam veterans in New England, but to men who were in Vietnam, who I hurt, or whose pain I caused to deepen because of the things that I said or did.  I was trying to help end the killing and the war, but there were times when I was thoughtless and careless about it and I'm...very sorry that I hurt them.  And I want to apologize to them and their families."   How can you not forgive such forthrightness and authenticity?

I doubt that the protestors detracted any audience members from what was a moving and beautiful story in which Fonda portrays a woman dying of ALS (Lou Gherig’s disease) who somehow manages to celebrate music, life, beauty, art, and her love for her daughter.  “Hanoi Jane,” as Fonda was called, was certainly not what I would remember about this amazing woman.  She has had not only outstanding success as an actress but has devoted herself to promoting ideals of human rights. 

The very next day, Sean Penn eloquently expressed himself about the anti-gay protestors at the Oscars.    A reporter asked Penn what he would say if he had a chance to talk to those protesters. "I'd tell them to turn in their hate card and find their better self, you know. I think that these are largely taught limitations and ignorances," he explained. "It's very sad in a way, because it's a demonstration of such emotional cowardice to be so afraid to be extending the same rights to a fellow man as you would want for yourself."


I agree with Penn about the sadness of people who allow their worst selves to keep them trapped in a pit of hatred.  He’s also right about their emotional cowardice, because if only they could summon their courageousness, that very act of elevation would bring them great joy and maybe even allow them to celebrate the rights of all human beings.  Both “33 Variations” and “Milk” are stories of hope and reconciliation, which is exactly what the protestors on each coast need in abundance.  The resentment they carry around is toxic.  So much of the work we do in therapy is helping people let go of their resentments so they can have nourishing and satisfying human relationships.  Stop dredging up your parents crimes of the past, let go of your husband’s hurtful disconnectedness, forgive your child the inevitable mistakes they’ve made as they’ve grown up.  That’s the only way to repair a relationship and to experience the pleasure of loving relationships. If any of these protestors asked for my help…which is a fantastical notion, of course…. I’d suggest they forgive whatever crime they believe has been perpetrated because ultimately they are the ones who suffer the greater loss of life in all its glory.



Subscribe to The Therapist Is In

Find a Therapist

Search our customized Directory for a licensed professional near you.

Current Issue

Everyday Creativity

How to start living creatively and reap the benefits.