The psychology profession has, for the most part, stayed away from using dialogue of people's virtues or morals as a therapeutic intervention. Discussions of doing the right thing in life can easily devolve into judgments of good and bad and that kind of judgment is certainly not helpful to a therapy client. Yet, we do all have the choice between acting correctly or incorrectly and there are ways to broach this issue without sounding critical. Whenever I've asked a person whether they aspire to be a good human being who lives in a virtuous manner, their answer is "yes, of course I do. I'm a good person. I always want to do the right thing." When I point out to them that their actions contradict their beliefs, an individual will invariably stop dead in their tracks and pause to think. The benefit of this kind of thinking immediately suggests new ways to handle personal and painful issues and conflicts that hurt, upset, and anger others. It helps people assume responsibility for their own behavior and come up with behaviors that are less self-serving and therefore boost self-esteem and relationship satisfaction immediately. The willingness to bring behavior in line with beliefs and self-perception will always put a person where they really want to be, on the high road to more hopeful, optimistic and positive living.
The psychology profession has, for the most part, stayed away from using dialogue of people's virtues or morals as a therapeutic intervention. Yet, a commitment to virtuous behavior eliminates the futility and pain of blame and accusation, a chronic intrapersonal problem and a stumbling block for people in relationships. Doing the right thing can shortcut endless discussions of an awful childhood, a partner with perceived faults, and the tyranny of the superego, the conscience.
In our psychologically oriented culture, even pastors of all faiths can fall into the trap of encouraging endless expression of feelings and postulating reasons for behaviors that are simply unacceptable. They inadvertently discount the importance of right actions. For many years, I've taught counseling to clergy of all faiths in an interdenominational Doctor of Ministry program. Gradually I've understood how psychologically minded these virtuous individuals had become. While learning psychology and counseling skills was the manifest goal of their studies in this program, their education had taught them that bringing in concepts of right and wrong was not helpful to their clients.
I recently asked a class of priests, ministers and rabbis how they would handle a couple having a dispute regarding a husband staying out late at night. The husband would often go out for a few drinks with his work buddies and would frequently come home past the hour he and his wife had agreed was reasonable. A number of the clergy people suggested that the couple need to talk to each other more. A priest said he'd ask about how the man felt about his wife that could lead him to behave like this. A rabbi said she'd suggest that both husband and wife verbalize their anger with each other. That way, she said, "they can get a better handle on their dispute." The Methodist minister in the class said that it must have to do with their childhoods. He continued by pointing out that he'd engage them in a discussion of the dysfunctional behaviors they each learned in their families of origin." A Lutheran minister said that he'd try to teach them better communication skills. Another Priest said, "I think it would be helpful to teach the wife to become more assertive and the husband to become more accommodating."
Not one of the pastors talked about the fact that it is simply wrong on the husband's part to break an agreement and act in a way that hurts the person he love most in the world. The clergy had been taught that bringing in right and wrong was judgmental and that they had to take a stance of neutrality for a client to get better. While the suggestions of my students were all good and in line with what they were learning, they, like most people in our culture, instinctively "psychologize" incorrect behavior. It hadn't felt acceptable to any of my students to simply hold the husband accountable for his behavior and reflect the inconsistency of his behavior with his belief. None of the priests or ministers had thought that a person who seeks out a pastoral counselor might simply want to be reminded to walk in the ways of Christ. None of the rabbis thought to quote the Golden Rule formulated by the legendary Hillel: "What is hateful to you, do not do unto others." These very kind and heartfelt religious leaders had lost sight of the fact that their training as counselors had led them to avoid offering spiritual guidance as a supplement to their psychological counseling skills.
Given the common human wish to believe they are virtuous human beings, dysfunction can be rapidly diminished by helping people reconcile their self-perception with their actions. Steering a person in the direction of right actions is not emphasized, or even mentioned, in most counseling or psychotherapy training programs. After many years of experience, however, I'm convinced that helping people get on the high road of virtue is a more direct and effective direction to achieving more satisfying and harmonious relationships.
