The New Math: SHE + HE = WE

There are many ways couples can approach change in their relationship. Common wisdom has it that enhancing communication between women and men is the best way to rescue a failing relationship. Difficulties in communication are attributed to differences in the way women and men express themselves. The widespread notion is that men and women just don't understand each other because we come from different planets. In our culture, we believe that if two people can speak in the same language or at least learn the dialect of the other gender, they can discuss and resolve their misunderstandings and dissatisfaction with each other. Most therapy is focused on hashing out the issues between two people, ultimately rehashing their negative feelings toward each other. As a society, we've grown to believe that a full delineation of complaints, judgments and indictments will stimulate changes that lead to a more satisfying relationship. Sadly, though, this route of negative self-exploration and mutual fault finding only leaves us feeling impotent and powerless because it can't create enduring change. All that it does is give one person a temporary illusion of power and another person a feeling of responsibility and guilt. If, however, we get off our individual platforms and stop self-righteous preaching toward our partner, we're freed up to focus on the WE, which is the overriding concern when people are looking to achieve satisfaction in their close relationships. The most direct route to behave and think in a way that benefits the two of you as a couple, a team, is to be guided by the concept of "When in doubt, take the high road." How do we get on the high road, especially when we're in the midst of a battle with our mate? The answer may seem elusive, but it's actually very simple. When you choose to make your relationship better, you'll think about what is best for the two of you. When the WE takes precedence over SHE, HE, OR ME everyone wins.