Verified by 
If your child is out of control? Do you feel overwhelmed? Exhausted? Then try reading Children: the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs. Some books are so good they refuse to die. Though first published in 1964, Rudolf Dreikurs’ book remains valid today. He offers many timeless guidelines for parenting. Dreikurs begins with a discussion of democracy. He traces broad societal trends away from dominance hierarchies to egalitarianism. Since the time of the Magna Carta, democracy has been increasing and autocracies have been decreasing. This applies to families as well as governments. Just as kings were dethroned so were fathers. Fathers are no longer patriarchs with unlimited dictatorial rule. Historically, “spare the rod and spoil the child” was practiced for centuries. And, with families of twenty children like Bach or my great-grandparents who had 7, this may have been the only way to maintain control. But, this punitive rule no longer holds.
Society and families have changed in many ways. Families are smaller, more democratic and less punitive. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not advocate spanking even though it was common in the 1950s (http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/Spanking-Ki…). Children are more than the possessions of their parents. Their status in the family has risen. But this rise in status may have gone too far. Children are now bossing their parents. Teachers have been telling me for some time that children don’t listen and have no manners. Roles have flip-flopped and the children are raising the parents. Children are out of control. They are young and inexperienced and need parents for guidance.
Even in 1964, Dreikurs was complaining that children were running wild. Children have more freedom than ever but according to Dreikurs, “freedom is not license.” Freedom does not give children the right to run wild. A close friend and mother of four once told me neglecting to discipline a child is unfair to the child because no one will want to be around them. And…I had that experience that very weekend. I went out on a date with a single dad in a beautiful setting overlooking the ocean while his 3 year old ran wildly around the table, shouting and grabbing food. Obviously, I never went out with him again and no one wanted to be around that child. According to Dreikurs, with freedom comes responsibility. Children need to learn responsibility.
One way children can learn responsibility is through natural consequences. Actions have consequences and children should be allowed to experience those consequences, not sheltered from them. For example, let’s say a child forgot to take her lunch to school. I have seen a mom in a Mercedes race to school, interrupt the school routine, and bring a McDonald’s box to her daughter. What does a child learn from this? She learns that mommy will wait on her. Instead, Dreikurs recommends that the natural consequence of forgetting one’s lunch is to go hungry. No ten year old child ever starved from missing one lunch. And next time, that child will remember her lunch. Here is another example. One college friend frequently overdrew her bank account. Her parents simply put more money in the account. What did she learn? Dependency. Actions have natural consequences and children should be allowed to learn from the consequences of their actions.
Next, children need routines. “Routine is to a child what walls are to a house; it gives boundaries and dimensions to his life,” says Dreikurs. Routine provides a sense of security. A child needs a dependable and consistent routine. And this includes a regular bedtime. If a child is allowed to fall asleep in front of the TV night after night, they will not be adequately rested the next day. School work will suffer. Children need limits. In fact, they want limits. I was an unsupervised daughter of a single mother. She never told me what time to be in at night. I was actually jealous of my friends with parents who gave them curfews, because it meant their parents cared.
“Take time for training,” is another of Dreikurs guidelines. Anyone who has tried to teach a 5-year-old to do laundry knows it is easier to do it yourself. Children are messy and they make mistakes. Teaching them takes time and patience. But if you take the time to train them it will pay off later. Take, for example, my sister-in-law who was too busy to teach her daughter household chores. When her daughter was 6, Melanie, begged to help with dishes and sweeping but Mom could do it better and faster. When Mom finally decided she wanted her daughter’s help, Melanie was a rebellious teenager and refused to help. Mom ended up with a full time job outside of the home and all of the housework to herself.
Dreikurs has many other useful guidelines such as “have the courage to say no,” “stimulate independence,” and “mind your own business.” While he believes in setting limits, he also believes in respecting children and listening to them. This book, Children: the Children offers a lot of solid advice. It is not the Three Minute Manager or the Three Minute Mother. Children are not fast and easy. They are a challenge. They take time and patience. But, the challenge is not insurmountable and it is extremely worthwhile. I hope you will take the time to read this book, think about it, and even apply some of it. It helped me with my children and it can help you.
