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Dear Dr. G.,
I need advice if possible.I had to move back in with my mother after going through a divorce. My mom has always been bizarre. Not wanting me or my siblings to ever leave the house. Put my sisters in home school and so on. The sisters are going on 30 and still haven't done anything. No friends.They don't leave the house. I was the one who got out. Until now. I am trapped with her. My ex took everything I own and bailed on me and my child. So I moved home with nothing.
My mother would yell at me if I cried and say it's my fault for getting married. If I needed her to babysit for any reason she would tell me I hate my child for wanting to be away from her for an hour. I've been here for three years.Every day she tells me I'm a terrible mom and my child will hate me one day. I've debated on staying at a shelter so my child doesn't have to hear this anymore.
My mother never leaves the house. Never communicates with anyone outside the house.She worships celebrities.
She belittles me in any way possible in front of my child. I love my child more than life. I have worked so hard to make sure she never goes without and to be both mother and father since her father was abusive and left when she was a baby. This is severely mentally draining. It's taking a huge toll on me.I can barely eat or sleep.
I walk on eggshells because I know if I even pick up my phone near her she says I spend more time talking to my friends than my child. I rarely see friends or get to talk to any of them. I don't know what to do. I'm not a bad mother. But I feel worthless every day because of my mother.
Please help me with this situation.
A Stuck & Scared Daughter
Dear Daughter,
First I would like to congratulate you for being courageous and brave enough to establish a life outside of your mother's home. I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out but at least you took a chance. You escaped the family home which is quite toxic but sadly had the need to return. It is tragic that your sisters have never been able to establish lives outside of your mom's home
You must find the courage to take your child and leave your mom's home even if this means staying in a shelter or on a friend's couch until you get on your feet again. I mean no disrespect when I say that your mother sounds like a deeply troubled women. I am not sure what her diagnosis is. She may be paranoid about the outside world. She may be agoraphobic. I am not sure. What I am sure about is that she is verbally abusive toward you by belittling you. This will rob you and your child of any self-esteem.
Your mother may even have you brainwashed that you are a terrible person if you leave her. If we hear things often enough particularly from our parents we start to believe them. Unless we get psychological help. You must find a way to leave the home and get psychological help for yourself and perhaps for your daughter. I am not sure if there is a father living in the home but if so it does not appear that he is helpful. I know that it will not be easy to escape this situation but for the mental health of both yourself and your daughter you must.
Expect that your mother will be very angry when and if you leave but you must leave. I hope that your mother and sisters also get help at some point but my primary concern is that you extricate yourself and your daughter from this situation as soon as possible. If you can't find it in your heart to do this for yourself than do it for your daughter.
You are in an incredibly dreadful situation. Get out and get support. And, please write to me and let me know how it goes.
Dr. G.
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