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Dear Dr. G.,
Well, I cannot believe that my worst nightmare has happened. My son who is a star student was rejected from his first choice college. I had promised him that if he worked hard that he would get into the college of his choice. To top it off-the college of his choice is the college that my father and I went to.
I am not sure who is more upset me or my son. I haven't been able to sleep since this news. My son says that he is okay and he will be happy if he gets into any of his top choices but he must be silently suffering,right?
And, I haven't been able to sleep through the night for a week. I keep having dreams of walking into class unprepared for a test-a dream that I have had on and off for years. I feel that I have failed my son and I am ashamed of myself. Perhaps, I should have hired better tutors or insisted that he study more. I can't stand to listen to the other parents brag about their kids who got into their first choice schools. I know that I have been purposely avoiding my friends these days so that I don't have to deal with this topic.
I need advice for me and my son. Frankly, I don't know how to think about rejection and I'm not sure how to help my son.
A Sleepless Mom
Dear Sleepless Mom,
First, take a deep breath. Your son was rejected from his first choice college but he will be okay. Rejection is hard but it is an inevitable and important part of all of our lives. Learning how to deal with rejection is an important life skill. You and your son now have an opportunity to get some practice.
Secondly, it sounds like your son might already be handling things well. I suggest that you CALMLY sit down with him and ask him about his feelings. If he says that he's fine and looking forward to hearing from other schools then he is probably telling you the truth. Even if he is faking it a little that's okay too. He will eventually come to believe what he is telling you. Make sure that you don't make this issue about you. After all, it is his college rejection not yours.
Next year, when he is happily ensconced in college he will have a whole new set of new experiences to deal with. It is highly unlikely that he will be focusing on the rejection that he experienced during his senior year of high school. High school will assume its proper position in his past as he makes new friends, chooses classes, maybe joins a fraternity, etc.
Finally, you are taking this very hard. Most parents want their kids not to be disappointed but our kids are more resilient than we think. My suggestion is that you talk to a good friend or confidante about why this is weighing so heavily on you. Once you figure it out I would suggest that you put your disappointment behind you and re-engage life. It's a new season and a time for other wonderful things to happen. Get a good night sleep and rejoice in your son and his accomplishments even if they didn't take him to his first choice school.
Good Luck.
Dr. G.
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