Dear Dr. G.,
I am a 49 year old father of a 17-year-old daughter. My daughter and I have a very close relationship and she has always been open with me. I have been married to my wife for 23 years and we both love our children and up until recently I thought that we loved each other.
Well, now I have reason to believe that I may have had my head in the sand about my marriage. My daughter asked to speak to me one night and she seemed very nervous. What she said alarmed me so I lost my cool and told my daughter that she is a liar and a troublemaker and she hasn't spoken to me or looked at me for three days.
My daughter told me that she believes that her mother is having an affair. Apparently, she looked at her mom's cell phone and saw a series of text messages between her and a man that were very sexual in nature. I asked my daughter why she was looking at her mom's messages and she said that she needed some answers for why her mother has been so preoccupied lately.
My question to you is whether or not teens of this age tend to make up stories like this or do I have a much bigger problem that may involve my wife actually falling for another man?
A frightened father.
Dear Father,
I think that your first order of business is to do some repair work with your daughter. She was nervous to tell you about her feelings and with good reason. You called her a liar and yelled at her. Please apologize to her and then ask her if she has anything else to tell you. After you reassure her that you are not angry at her but were instead frightened by the information that she shared with you—reassure her that this matter is now out of her hands and in yours. And, be careful not to use her as a confidante. Teenagers are ill-equipped to listen to their parents' problems. Nor should they have to. They are your children not your friends.
Now, on to task number two. You say that your head has been in the sand but now that you have removed it have you sensed your wife withdrawing from you. Have you two been growing distant from one another? I suggest that you sit down and talk to your wife about the state of affairs in your relationship and without mentioning your daughter ask her if she has been lonely and perhaps seeking company elsewhere. My guess is that her reaction will give you a lot of answers.
I suggest that you head to a marital therapist quickly to figure out what is going on in the relationship. And, remember that our teens don't usually lie about such intense information. Your daughter most likely wants you to be in the know so that she can go back to the business of being a teen while the adults in her life handle the adult issues.
Good luck
Dr. G.
For more info. about topics like this take a look at my website:
talkingteenage.com
