Dear Dr. G.,
Until yesterday, I thought that my kids were under control. Apparently,I was wrong. Yes, I was snooping. I was looking through my 14 year old daughter's text messages and found one that she sent of herself to a male peer. In this lovely photo she was pulling up her blouse to display an exposed bra. I was horrified. As far as I know my daughter is not sexually active but who knows? I am losing confidence in my mothering skills.
I mean for heaven's sake what 14 year old girl in her right mind sends out such a photo voluntarily?
I don't know what to do. I was snooping but I feel that I have to address this. Any suggestions so that I don't screw up even more? It sure looks like I'm raising a screwed up kid.
A Lousy Mother
Dear(Lousy) Mother,
First, don't be so quick to call yourself a lousy mother. Helping our teens deal with mistakes is a part of being a good parent. You must tell your daughter both that you were looking at her messages and what you saw.
My suggestion is that you start this dialogue in a calm manner because if you start by becoming critical and emotionally distressed she is likely to tune you out.
Explain to her that in the future you will be randomly monitoring her cell phone and other forms of electronic technology. I believe that all parents of teens should be doing this. Then talk to her about the dangers assoociated with sending out these sort of photos. Talk about the speed at which photos can travel from one screen to hundreds. Discuss the inadvertent sexual message that she is sending out.
Many teenage girls, believe it or not, are testing out their attractiveness level and sexuality by engaging in sexting. I am by no means condoning it. I am simply stating a fact.
I also suggest that she receive some sort of consequence such as losing the ability to use her cell phone for a time period that seems appropriate. After all, she does need to get the message that this behavior is unacceptable and unsafe.
Good Luck!
Dr. G.
