Dear Dr. G.,
We never thought that we'd have this problem with a teenage child. We are the parents of three daughters. They are 19, 17, and 16. The oldest two girls are very much like us. They are both very relaxed and know how to roll with the punches. They know when to have fun and are very good students. Neither of those two stress much about school.
Our 16-year-old seems like she was born into the wrong family. We swear that she was born worried about deadlines. We joke (privately) that she came out of the womb with a "to do" list. Nonetheless, we love her very much and are worried about her. She is a straight-A student and a perfectionist. Anything less than an A causes her a lot of stress. She goes to school, comes home, studies for about five hours, and then goes to sleep. Sometimes, she is up studying until two in the morning.
Our question to you: Should we be worried about our daughter or should we be grateful for what an excellent student she is?
The Wrong Parents
Dear Wrong Parents,
First, your daughter wasn't born into the wrong family. She was simply born with her own unique temperamental style. It is very unusual for a couple to have all of their children born with a relaxed and easygoing temperament. The 16-year-old is probably wired differently than the older two girls and she may always be more high-strung than the rest of the family.
Second, in response to your two questions—I think that you will be surprised by my answers. I think that yes you should be grateful for her academic excellence while at the same time being concerned about the enormous amount of pressure she is experiencing. It appears that she has little joy and balance in her life.
Here are my suggestions:
1. Review her schedule with her and despite her initial protest help her develop a daily schedule with time for activities other than studying. Perhaps she would like art, sports, or having friends over.
2. Insist that she have at least 20 minutes of relaxation and decompression time every day. At first, she may feel that it is a waste of study time but I can assure you that it will be healthy for her.
3. Make sure that you are modeling a balanced life for her. Are you sure that one of you is not a workaholic?
4. Ask yourselves whether or not you have given her the label of the "smart one?" If so, then it may be time to change her family reputation and expectations.
5. This will not be popular among many parents but I am a firm believer in limiting the amount of time that teens devote to studying and making sure that they get enough sleep instead. It is very hard to function well on four or five hours of sleep particularly if you are a teenager.
While I don't expect it to be easy to help your daughter introduce balance into her life it is nonetheless necessary. Your daughter, like her peers, deserves to have some fun in her life—safe fun that is.
Good Luck,
Dr. G.
