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Dear Dr. G.,
I am really scared and confused. My usually upbeat and formerly confident 17 year old daughter is dating a creep. I suspect that he is controlling, possessive, and intimidating. I can barely even put this on paper but I think that he might be verbally and maybe even physically abusive. My daughter cries a lot after spending hours on her cell phone with him and seems to have withdrawn from her friends. Before the current "creep" she never really had a boyfriend. She mostly went out with groups of male and female friends.
I am afraid to tell my husband about my concerns because he just might go after this young man and beat him up. I don't want my husband to end up in jail but I've got to tell you I've had thoughts of scaring the living daylights out of this punk myself.
I don't want to ruin my relationship with my daughter. I don't want to do the wrong thing but I can no longer sit back quietly.
Please advise on how to address this issue with my daughter.
A Mother Seeing Red
Dear Mother Seeing Red,
I believe that you may in fact be seeing the red flags associated with dating violence. Just so that you know you are not alone in facing this situation-national staistics from the Center for Disease Control indicate that one in four teens report having been psychologically abused by a dating partner. One in eight report having experienced physical abuse. I am very much aware that only a very small percentage of these teens confide in their mothers. An even smaller percentage confide in their fathers. I am also aware that this information provides little comfort just knowledge.
Teens aren't confiding in parents not because they don't love and trust them but more likely because they are embarrassed, afraid of disappointing their parents, and concerned about the repercussions for the entanglement that they have sadly gotten wrapped up in.
You are describing at least two of the red flags associated with teen dating violence. They are:
1. The intense and distressing phone interactions
2. Withdrawal from her friends
Other red flags include:
3. Unexplained bruises
4. A controlling and possessive partner
AND
5. Constant message checking as the partner may demand constant information about whereabouts and activities
Now that you have that information let me address the most important question which is how you should handle this delicate but scary situation.
1. Talk to your daughter immediately but supportively and lovingly.
2. There is no need to berate her or her boyfriend. I can assure you that her self-esteem has already been chipped away at and she is aware that her judgment about partners is not ideal.
3. Embrace her lovingly and remind her about how much you love her. She may be resistant at first but it is more likely that she will feel relief that you are in the know and that you are looking out for her.
4. Help her unplug from electronic messaging. She will have a much easier time phasing out the relationship if she receives less input from the boyfriend.
5. Offer to take her to therapy where she can speak to someone objective and regain her sense of what is the healthy norm in ralationships.
Remember, that the boy too has issues. You may want to let his parents know about his behavior so that they can get him help. This, of course, has to be handled very gingerly.
My hope is that you won't need to get a restraining order but if that becomes necessary that is always an option.
I wish you courage and success as you help your daughter out of this mess.
Dr. G.
